“The Great and Tragic Love of Jonathan Shadowhunter and David the Silent, by Clary Fray, Aged 17.
SIMON IT WAS BY SIMON NOT ME
(...) Jonathan Shadowhunter: Oh, David, I would trust you with my life!
David: Oh, Jonathan, I would sacrifice my own life for your holy mission! (He almost does)
Jonathan: (weeping) David, you must return to me! I need you! I cannot do this thing without you!
David: Lo, I return!Jonathan: Zounds! I feel a great stirring in my pantaloons!
David: What doth thy pantalo
SIMON I WILL KILL YOU”
“NYC Institute has one. I'll show you sometime if you want.
It's a date.
It is maybe the least romantic spot in the Institute, by the way.
You'll make up for that, I'm sure.
(Jeez, get a locked room on unsanctified ground, you two.)”
“Hey baby, guess where my warlock mark is?
Never works. Trust me. Never works.”
“Why Do People become Shadowhunters, by Magnus Bane
This Codex thing is very silly. Downworlders talk about the Codex like it is some great secret full of esoteric knowledge, but really itès a Boy Scout manual.
One thing that it mysteriously doesnèt address is why people become Shadowhunters. And you should know that people become Shadowhunters for many stupid reasons.
So here is an addition to your copy.
Greetings, aspiring young Shadowhunter-to-be- or possibly already technically a Shadowhunter. I canèt remember whether you drink from the Cup first or get the book first. Regardless, you have just been recruited by the Monster Police. You may be wondering, why? Why of all the mundanes out there was I selected and invited to this exclusive club made up largely, at least from a historical perspective, of murderous psychopaths?
Possible Reasons Why
1. You possess a stout heart, strong will, and able body.
2. You possess a stout body, able will, and strong heart.
3. Local Shadowhunters are ironically punishing you by making you join them.
4. You were recruited by a local institute to join the Nephilim as an ironic punishment for your mistreatment of Downworlders.
5. Your home , village, or nation is under siege by demons.
6. You home, village, or nation is under siege by rogue Downworlders.
7. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
8.You know too much, and should be recruited because the secrecy of the Shadow World has already been compromised for you.
9. You know too little; it would be helpful to the Shadowhunters if you knew more.
10. You know exactly the right amount, making you a natural recruit.
11. You possess a natural resistance to glamour magic and must be recruited to keep you quiet and provide you with some basic protection.
12. You have a compound last name already and have convinced someone important that yours is a Shadowhunter family and the Shadowhunteriness has just been weakened by generations of bad breeding.
13. You had a torrid affair with a member of the Nephilim council and now he's trying to cover his tracks.
14. Shadowhunters are concerned they are no longer haughty and condescending enough-have sought you out to add a much needed boost of haughty condescension.
15. You have been bitten by a radioactive Shadowhunter, giving you the proportional strength and speed of a Shadowhunter.
16. Large bearded man on flying motorcycle appeared to take you away to Shadowhunting school.
17. Your mom has been in hiding from your evil dad, and you found out you're a Shadowhunter only a few weeks ago.
That's right. Seventeen reasons. Because that's how many I came up with. Now run off, little Shadowhunter, and learn how to murder things. And be nice to Downworlders.”
“I was Marked by a very cute boy with terrible impulse control. I don't remember because I was basically unconscious but everyone was mad at him when I woke up. The end, love Clary.”
“Sometimes the newly Marked go into shock. The good news is, if this happens to you, you are unlikely to notice, because you will be in shock.”
“My first album will be titled One Foot in Hell Already.”
“Thank you, Codex, because I didn't know what a knife was.”
“Tell me about mummies.
Mummies exist. The Egyptians mummified people. Mummies that get up out of their cursed tombs and walk around do not exist.
Do cursed tombs exist?
No. Sometimes you get a tomb guarded by a demon.
Zombies?
The voudun kind, yes - the braaaaaaaiiiiinnnnnsss kind, no.
Oh, oh, I've got one. What about a haunted car?
Do you count a demon-powered motorcycle?
No, like, the car talks back and tells you to kill people.
Then no.”
“If you encounter a werewolf in wolf form, you must quickly assess the situation. If he is ignoring you, move away from the area calmly but quickly. If he is watching you, look for the signs of aggression you would look for in a dog - bared teeth, growling, hackles raised. Raise your hands to show you are not a threat (Also try to look as little like roast beef as possible.)”
“Here we attempt to answer those questions that arise most frequently.
YES, THAT IS WHAT 'FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS' MEANS, THANK YOU.”
“So this is more a “do as the Codex says, not as Jace does” situation, I guess. Since he just Marks any girl he likes, apparently.
When she is dying, yes!”
“A handy tip: When angels say “be not afraid,” you should be afraid.
Also, as I said earlier, we have to memorize angel names because Jonathan Shadowhunter wanted us to have to memorize angel names.
They sure like to end angel names in “el.”
Means “of God” in Hebrew, Clariel.
You two are just adorable”
“No need to be sarcastic, Codex.
I think that's sincere, actually.
Wow.”
“Iron Sisters also badass at recycling!”
“THE ANGEL RAZIEL
Teacher? I did an independent study, does that count?
Yes. You may skip this section. Enjoy your newfound sixty seconds”
“The Codex actually sounds kind of creepy here. “Yeeeees, tell me eeeeeverything.” I was Marked by a very cute boy with terrible impulse control. I don’t remember because I was basically unconscious but everyone was mad at him when I woke up. The end, love Clary.”
“Have we as a group ever met a warning we didn't ignore?”
“I would like to specialize in being an immortal invulnerable killing machine who craves the blood of the living.”
“Jace is considered the most awesome material to make a Shadowhunter out of.”
“You will come across few creatures that cannot be successfully defeated by the application of sufficient blunt trauma.”
“Our role is to stand behind the open gates and turn them back one by one. And so we fight.”
“Run off, little Shadowhunter, and learn to murder things. And be nice to Downworlders.”
“Black for hunting through the night For death and mourning the color’s white Gold for a bride in her wedding gown And red to call enchantment down. White silk when our bodies burn, Blue banners when the lost return. Flame for the birth of a Nephilim, And to wash away our sins. Gray for knowledge best untold, Bone for those who don’t grow old. Saffron lights the victory march, Green will mend our broken hearts. Silver for the demon towers, And bronze to summon wicked powers. —Old Nephilim children’s rhyme”
“Barrabas came to us by sea, the child Clara wrote in her delicate calligraphy. ”
“Nobody can avoid falling in love. They might want to deny it, but friendship is probably the most common form of love.”
“The deadliest of all deadly things: It kills you both when you have it and
when you don’t.”
“Take what people give you. Drink their milkshakes.”
“He won every game, yet she hardly noticed. As long as she hit the ball, it resulted in shameless bragging. When she missed - well, even the fires of Hell couldn't compare to the rage that burst from her mouth. He couldn't remember a time when he'd laugh so hard.”
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