Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side

American women. Why do you all want to be nearly invisible? Why not have a physical presence in the world? Women should have curves, not angles. ...One should never confuse fashionable with beautiful. ...Eat. Be happy to have curves. A presence.

Jessica. For god's sake," he said. "Allow me to do at least one common courtesy for you. In spite ow what 'women's lib' teaches you, chivalry does not imply that women are powerless. On the contrary, chivalry is an admission of women's superiority. An acknowledgment of your power over us. This is the only form of servitude a Vladescu ever practices, and I perform it gladly for you. You, in turn, are obligated to accept graciously.

Where do you. come from?" Frank challenged, puffing his chest, a little bolder now that he could breathe. "Some of us are starting to wonder." "I come from civilization," Lucius retorted. "You wouldn't be familiar with the territory. Now pick up the books.

I like pink." Lucius sniffed. "It's just red's sorry, weak cousin.

Lucius paused, turning on his heel to face me. "I grow weary of your ignorance." He moved closer to me, leaning down and peering into my eyes. "Because your parents refuse to inform you, I will deliver the news myself,and I shall make this simple for you." He pointed to his chest and announced, as though talking to a child, "I am a vampire." He pointed to my chest. "You are a vampire. And we are to be married, the moment you come of age. This has been decreed since our births." I couldn't even process the "getting married" part, or the thing about "decreed." He'd lost me at "vampire." Nuts. Lucius Vladescu is completely nuts. And I'm alone with him, in an empty barn. So I did what any sane person would do. I jammed the pitchfork in the general direction of his foot and ran like hell for the house, ignoring his yowl of pain.

No one's making any decisions today," Mom translated. "It's late, and we're all tired and a little overwhelmed. Besides, Lucius, Jessica is not ready to contemplate marriage. She hasn't even kissed a boy yet, for goodness' sake." Lucius smirked at me, raising one eyebrow. "Really? No suitors? How shocking. I would have thought your pitchfork skills would be attractive to certain bachelors here in farm country.

And as we kissed, really kissed, something inside me was smashed, like a splitting atom, erupting with all the force of a shattering nucleus. And yet I was strangely at peace, too. It was like I'd found my place in the universe, in the chaos, and Lucius and I could go along locked together throughout time without end, like pi, existing infinitely, irrationally, spinning through time.

I don't know how to dress girls, I know how to dress women

Why did I sign up for this?' 'Because we grow by challenging ourselves.

No, Lucius is harmless,' I fibbed. If you don't count the fact that he thinks he's a warrior prince representing a semi-cannibalistic race of undead bat people.

This is eternity, Antanasia," he said, both warning and imploring. "Eternity.

Lucius smiled a little. "You do have a will of your own." The smile faded. "This is not the time to use it.

I shan't take advantage,' Lucius promised seriously. 'And she can't be forced into a marriage, of course. It is a new century. Unfortunately. But I am afraid that I am compelled to pursue this courtship until Antanasia realizes her place at my side. As she will.' 'I will not.

The most beautiful thing we can experence is the mysterious.

I wanted to die. Die right there. I wanted to run to the knife drawer, grab the biggest blade I could find, and plunge it into my heart. To be exposed as never even being kissed ... it was almost worse than being a vampire princess. The vampire thing was a ridiculous fantasy, but my total lack of experience . . . that was real. "Mom! That is so embarrassing! Did you have to tell him that?" Well, Jessica, it's true. I don't want Lucius thinking you're some sort of experienced young woman, ready for marriage.

Princess. . . He honestly thinks I'm a vampire princess. . . . The strange, almost pleasurable, sensation I'd felt when he'd brushed my cheek was forgotten as reality hit me again. Lucius Vladescu was a lunatic.

Sugared cheese?" I was skeptical. - "I ate the vegan birthday cake," Dorin noted. "Trust me, this will be a treat by any comparison.

December is celebrated quite heartily here in the United States. Aggresively, one might say. Every conceivable space is corseted with strands of twinkle lights, buildings are smothered beneath greenery, and a mass mania for erecting oversized, inflatable, waving "snowmen" in front of homes erupts amid the populace. It's quite a hysteria- and the evergreen trees are not just a myth, Vasile. People really do purchase them, in abundance. They are for sale everywhere. Imagine paying for the privilege of dragging a filthy piece of forest into your living area for the purpose of bedecking it with glass balls and staring at it. Why a tree? If one needed to display glass balls-and I highly discorage it-why not just a case of some sort? A rack?

Just remember, girls: The young male vampire is a predator by nature. Some boys may look at you not only as a romantic interest, but as prey...

Lucius shrugged. "Perhaps in time you will find it useful." "Sure. I'll keep it on my shelf right next to The Idiot's Guide to Becoming a Mythical Creature.'' Lucius actually laughed. "Very funny. I didn't know you made jokes." "I'm a funny person," I defended myself. "And by the way—I don't snore." "You do snore. And you mumble, too." My blood froze. The dream . . . "What? What did you hear?" "Nothing too intelligible. But it must have been a rather pleasant dream. You sounded ecstatic.

American women. Why do you all want to be nearly invisible? Why not have a physical presence in the world? Women should have curves, not angles. Not points.

Must we vampires always resort to violence so quickly? Could we not just all sit down over a "refreshing Bud Light" and "just chill," as my television and my teammates relentlessly urge me to do?

He'd lost me at "vampire." Nuts. Lucius Vladescu is completely nuts. And I'm alone with him, in an empty barn. So I did what any sane person would do. I jammed the pitchfork in the general direction of his foot and ran like hell for the house, ignoring his yowl of pain.

…If anything else, all I ever did was love you….

Lucius needs you. He mourns you. He loves you. It's very unusual for a vampire to truly love. Some hold that real love between vampires is a myth. That we are too vicious by nature.But Lucius does. He loves you--as you love him.

But Lucius was staring at the beamed ceiling of the barn, pacing around, hands clasped behind his back, muttering to himself. "This is not going well. Not going well at all. I advised the Elders that you should have been summoned back to Romania years ago, that you would never be a suitable bride . . ." Whoa, there. "Bride?

If I were a vampire, I'd want to bite someone. I'd be thirsty for blood," I said in a last ditch attempt to interject reason into a discussion that had devolved into the absurd. "You will come into your true nature," Lucius promised. "You are coming of age right now. And when I bite you for the first time, then you will be a vampire. I've brought you a book— a guide, so to speak—which will explain everything—" I stood up so fast my chair tipped over, smashing to the floor. "He is not going to bite me," I interrupted, pointing a shaky finger at Lucius. "And I'm not going to Romania and marrying him! I don't care what kind of 'betrothal ceremony' they had!" "You will all honor the pact," Lucius growled. It wasn't a suggestion.

I almost wish that I could replace their hideous flok dolls, as a gesture of my gratitude. Could you, perhaps, have one of the local women fashion a crude poppet out of, say, a wooden spool and some scraps of wool? Nothing fancy. Aesthetic standars for this particular collection were not high, believe me. "Ugly" and "ill-crafted" seem to be part of the key criteria.

Why?" "Because...because he's so tall," Mindy explained, like height was proof of good character. "And did I mention European?" "Yes. It's so much better to be stalked by a tall European that an American of average height.