Murder Your Employer

When a man dies from a bullet entering his chest, it's a homicide. When a man dies from a meteorite landing on his head, it's a tragedy. Don't use bullets. Use meteorites Don't commit a homicide. Commit a Tragedy. -Guy McMaster

After all, when the behavior of another person leaves you no choice but to kill them, their murder is simply involuntary suicide.

May the only justice you face be poetic.

I'm afraid I was buried in thought. Yes, and I'm sure it was a shallow grave.

THE ENEMY…We do refrain from using this term in reference to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, as we count so many of their number as alumni.

After all, it’s difficult to obtain a student loan for a school that not only denies its own existence but teaches its students how to deny other people theirs.

It is simplicity itself to fire one’s employer. All it takes is some kindling and a match.

My mum and dad taught me not to laugh at people who aren’t laughing,” she explained. “Besides, I think in life, the joke usually turns out to be on us.

So you’ve decided to commit a murder. Congratulations. Simply by purchasing this volume, you’ve already taken the all-important first step toward a successful homicide of which you can be proud, one that would gain you the admiration of your peers, were they ever to learn of it. This book will see to it that they don’t.

And that, to me, embraces the very soul of the most important commandment you'll find anywhere in your Principles of Successful Termination: 'Do in others as you would have others do you in.

Sadly, lessons taught by that cruel mentor Failure are often the most bitterly learned and vividly remembered. [Dean Harbinger Harrow]

In the billions of years during which Life—an indispensable ingredient to Homicide—has been teeming on this earth, from that momentous primordial dawn when one bold amoeba set foot on land with the intent of becoming either a chicken or an egg, it was understandable that the strong would have dominion over the weak. But in recent millennia, flying in the face of Darwinian precepts, we have evolved into a planet where the un-fittest not only survive but often flourish, holding sway over their betters in a social order where dim-witted, dim-watted employers all too often lord it over their considerably brighter subjects. We at McMasters call this perversion of nature’s intent “the devaluation of the species,” and no modern pestilence is more pernicious in our overview than the Sadistic Boss. It is with pride that McMasters offers a powerful helping hand (or leg up) to those under the thumb (or heel) of such oppressors.

Come along, Mr. Iverson, you must be starved to death," said the dean. He saw my startled look and added dryly, "That's an observation, by the way. Not a decree.

When a man dies from a bullet entering his chest, it’s a homicide. When a man dies from a meteorite landing on his head, it’s a tragedy. Don’t use bullets. Use meteorites. Don’t commit a homicide. Commit a tragedy. -Guy McMaster

Do not ask for whom the bell tolls. Ask who would mourn in hearing it. If answer comes there none, then more power to you (especially if you are planning an electrocution.)

It’s a sad truism that those who appear affluent often evade the scrutiny of law enforcement.

And many students can't go a week without a savory cheese tart they call a 'pizza'....

I was told that where poker faces were concerned, mine was about as inscrutable as an “Eat At Joe’s” sign outside a diner called Joe’s.

She figured she’d put a toll booth on that bridge when she came to it.

It is important to remember Kipling, if only because none of us are ever likely to meet anyone else named Rudyard.

I’m sorry,” she said for the first time in a decade. Another new skill mastered.

I hope you will come to better understand and appreciate the remarkable frailty of all life… and that you will learn to live each day as if it might be your enemy’s last.

We know what Heaven or Hell may bring, but no man knoweth the mind of the King.

Students also learned that a person is more likely to have a lethal accident in their bathroom tan a commercial flight, causing Chubby Terhune to believe that the bathroom on an airplane must be the most dangerous place in the universe.

Mr. Iverson, you've all the timing of a prophylactic salesman in a maternity ward.

I'm sure there is such a thing as love at first sight, although I suspect many people recall it more in retrospect than experience it in their initial encounter. But I do believe in seeing someone in a different light for a first time, suddenly realizing that this person you've been passing in the hall for months is someone you might be prepared to share your life with, even though the previous day you'd barely given them a thought, or at least a conscious one.

The same way death ought to come," added Dobson, almost wistfully. "No time for last words, apologies, retractions, rewrites. The good you did, the mess you made, that's what lives on.

In that moment, dear sponsor, I believed there was no challenge so big that I couldn’t find a way to fail at it.

Everyone says “I could just kill so-and-so,” and yet few do anything about it.