If Only In Our Dreams

Would you like to maybe…come?” “I always want to come,” I joked—then flushed because I realized what I’d said too late to stop the words. “I mean, yes. Please, Sir Bennington. Allow me to rideth your sledeths with your clan.” I saluted him, then waited for orders. “I don’t knoweth where Knoll Parketh is, but I will findeth out.

Normally, when I was well-rested my mind was a steel trap. But the eggnog had whittled away my walls. Or maybe that was Ben’s influence. Ben and his observant, gorgeous eyes. Ben and the fact that he was quiet enough to hear me, even when I whispered.

I think for most of my life I’ve been so scared of hurting the people I love that I’ve kept them at a distance. I told myself it was because I was being protective. That I was doing right by them.” It was hard to get the next words out, hoarse as my voice was. “But I think that’s just a lie I said so that I could hide behind my choices.” Ben’s eyes were fathomless, the warmth in them never fading. “The person I was actually protecting…this whole time…was me.” I’d never admitted that to anyone, not even myself. “Because I thought—if one more person—” My voice broke. “If one more person lets me down, I don’t think I’ll make it.

He was the click of a metronome. He was C major. He was lilting notes and revelation. He made my world quiver and shake, like the last tremulous notes of a love song. He was peace and longing, and happiness, all rolled into one tall, serious, but kind man.

I could show him [...]. That he could run to me, rather than away. And my arms would be open, always. Just for him.

The same little boy who had been conditioned to expect the worst from everyone and everything. Except… Apparently me. Otherwise he wouldn’t be here clinging to me. Wouldn’t be showing me his exposed heart like he knew I’d protect it more fiercely than he ever had. Robin had not only just given me the keys to his heart, he’d opened the lock himself.

I’ve never seen you act this way,” Mama said, sounding giddier than she should’ve. “I knew you could do it!” she declared, like seeing me in love was the most impressive thing I’d ever done. She said it in the same tone she’d told me she was proud of me when I’d graduated medical school. I wasn’t sure if I should be elated or offended.

I’d never expected to find a partner. I’d never looked. And yet, one had stumbled upon my little nest and found me anyway. It seemed the universe was looking out for me because Robin was the happiest accident I’d ever made.

It was a pattern. A beautiful, glorious, wonderful pattern. Like a patchwork quilt, different squares, all sewn together to make what would one day be the stories I told my grandchildren. They’d ask me if I’d ever been in love, and Robin’s eyes would come to mind. His laugh. His smile. The way he was more open than anyone I’d ever met, and yet more guarded too.

Maybe that was love. Accepting that one day you might lose the person that made your heart full, but choosing them anyway. The deeper I sank, the harder it would be to heal, but I was at peace with that.

Ben was the comfort I’d never known I needed. He was strength and home and trust. He was laughter, shared wine glasses, and belonging.

And I wanted to be a safe space for him. Wanted to be where he rested his head after a long weary day.

I don’t think he’d ever gotten a chance to be anything other than brave. He was a fighter, I knew that. But I didn’t think he liked fighting.

Breaking his back for scraps of attention, and yet surprised when others gave him exactly what he’d been working for. As though he had stopped allowing himself to hope. How many times had he been disappointed? How many people had ignored him till he screamed himself hoarse? Till he decided he’d stop asking altogether.

Sometimes it's hard for both of us to realize that love, real love, has no stipulations." Miles sucked in a breath and his eyes burned holes into mine "It doesn't come with strings attached. And it follows you, no matter how far you run. It's messy and sweet, and if you let it, it fills in all your cracks and crevices.