10 Things That Never Happened

You've come into my life like a beam of very annoying sunshine. You talk so much that I miss it when you're not. You try to fix things I didn't even realise were broken. You have a dreadful sense of humour to which I've somehow become habituated. You care about people so effortlessly it makes me able to put up with them. And then you kissed me and now I..." He lets his head slip further down into his hands. "...I don't know how I'm supposed to go the rest of my life without being kissed by you again.

Jonathan's face is absolutely thunderous. It's like he wants to fire everyone in the room but can't because they're his family and that's not how it works.

I step forward like a deer stepping in front of another deer in the mistaken belief it's immune to being hit by cars.

I find him in pets looking at cat treats. And when he spots me, he gets this expression on his face like I caught him with porn.

Because you can’t hurt someone unless they care.

Gollum starts rubbing himself all over Jonathan's legs. Jonathon looks down in a bit of a panic. "What's it doing?" "Scent marking. He owns you now." "He does not." "You'll have to take that up with him." ... "Can you make it stop?" "Liking you? Give it time. He'll work it out.

I know you're being sarcastic, but I do. I do see you." He folds his arms, leaning slightly away from me. "And what is it you think you see?" "I see someone driven and ambitious who's been told those are bad things when they're not. I see someone who cares but doesn't know how to show it. I see someone who thinks he's got to be alone, so he pretends it's a choice." I stand up before he can object or reply or anything. "Also, you're surprisingly good with cats.

We've been talking for less than five minutes and I already want to stick his pencil up his nose.

I don't want it if I can't have it with you.

He’s become my dickhead boss whose baggage I’ve seen, whose family I know, whose laugh I’ve heard. And I’m not sure I want to go my whole life without kissing him again either.

You’ve come into my life like a beam of very annoying sunshine. You talk so much that I miss it when you’re not. You try to fix things I didn’t even realise were broken. You have a dreadful sense of humour to which I’ve somehow become habituated. You care about people so effortlessly it makes me able to put up with them. And then you kissed me and now I…” He lets his head slip further down into his hands. “…I don’t know how I’m supposed to go the rest of my life without being kissed by you again.

How tiny?" I put my fingers about half a centimetre apart. "I'm not sure that's medically useful." I inch them slightly further apart. "Still not." Giving up the fingers method as a bad job, I explain using my mouth words.

Yeah." "Good." We both continue to be shit at telephones. "So, I suppose..." he tries. We both continue to be extremely shit at telephones.

Jonathan recoils slightly. "That is..." Being nice doesn't come easy to Jonathan Forest, but being nice about Gollum doesn't come easy to anybody. "an interesting-looking pet," he finishes.

I don't think he'll be able to tell. Memory is peculiar. Worst comes to absolute worst, I'll just arrange to get whacked on the head again and say that's brought everything back." "That's not a thing... You don't undo brain damage with more brain damage.

Don’t be obtuse,” he snarls, swinging back full Jonathan. “I’m not being obtuse. You’re being evasive.” “Well, what am I supposed to say? That living with you is—that you are—that I can’t.” He tries again. “That this is—” And promptly gives up. I turn to stare at him, not quite incredulous but near enough you can see it on sign posts. “Jonathan, are trying to say that you’re into me?” “How can I not be?” He flops forward with his elbows on his knees and his brow against his fingertips. “You’ve come into my life like a beam of very annoying sunshine. You talk so much that I miss it when you’re not. You try to fix things I didn’t even realise were broken. You have a dreadful sense of humour to which I’ve somehow become habituated. You care about people so effortlessly it makes me able to put up with them. And then you kissed me and now I…” He lets his head slip further down into his hands. “…I don’t know how I’m supposed to go the rest of my life without being kissed by you again.

Apparently the man’s such a control freak the idea of me dying in a way he can’t micromanage messes with his head.

I’m sure there is, somewhere in the world, a man who drives a BMW and is not a bellend but I’ve not met him.

Will you give me a key? Will you ring your neighbours and say, hi, if you see a tiny angry lesbian crawling through my front window, don’t worry, she’s just there for the cat.

Did you just bite me?” He looks sheepish. “No.” “Fair enough. My mistake.

Go on. Amuse me with a sheep.

Maybe it’s just me but people look different after you’ve kissed them. Or you look at them differently at least.

I shouldn’t have… I may… I was too harsh earlier.” “You think?” “I believe it’s a possibility

he’d kept checking on me in the night to make sure I was okay

Someone had removed my jacket so I’d bled spectacularly all over my shirt. I’d have felt like an action hero if I hadn’t known I’d got this way by losing a fight with a shower unit.

I think he was consciously aiming for Big Das Kapital Energy.