“Lots of people would be as cowardly as me if they were brave enough.”
“Few religions are definite about the size of Heaven, but on the planet Earth the Book of Revelation (ch. XXI, v.16) gives it as a cube 12,000 furlongs on a side. This is somewhat less than 500,000,000,000,000,000,000 cubic feet. Even allowing that the Heavenly Host and other essential services take up at least two thirds of this space, this leaves about one million cubic feet of space for each human occupant- assuming that every creature that could be called ‘human’ is allowed in, and the the human race eventually totals a thousand times the numbers of humans alive up until now. This is such a generous amount of space that it suggests that room has also been provided for some alien races or - a happy thought - that pets are allowed.”
“The place where the story happened was a world on the back of four elephants perched on the shell of a giant turtle. That's the advantage of space. It's big enough to hold practically anything, and so, eventually, it does.
People think that it is strange to have a turtle ten thousand miles long and an elephant more than two thousand miles tall, which just shows that the human brain is ill-adapted for thinking and was probably originally designed for cooling the blood. It believes mere size is amazing.
There's nothing amazing about size. Turtles are amazing, and elephants are quite astonishing. But the fact that there's a big turtle is far less amazing than the fact that there is a turtle anywhere.”
“No one remembers the singer. The song remains.”
“Some people are confident because they are fools. Leonard had the look of someone who was confident because, so far, he'd never found reason not to be. He would step off a high building in the happy state of mind of someone who intended to deal with the problem of the ground when it presented itself.”
“Not craftsmen, my lord" he said. "I have no use for people who have learned the limits of the possible”
“This man was so absent-mindedly clever that he could paint pictures that didn’t just follow you around the room but went home with you and did the washing-up.”
“Mission motto, sir," said Carrot cheerfully. "Morituri Nolumus Mori. Rincewind suggested it."
"I imagine he did," said Lord Vetinari, observing the wizard coldly. "And would you care to give us a colloquial translation, Mr Rincewind?"
"Er..." Rincewind hesitated, but there really was no escape. "Er... roughly speaking, it means, 'We who are about to die don't want to', sir.”
“They sometimes forgot what happened if you let a pawn get all the way up the board.”
“That's what prayers are... it's frightened people trying to make friends with the bully!”
“Some people say you achieve immortality through your children," said the minstrel.
"Yeah?" said Cohen. "Name one of your great-granddads, then.”
“On the Kite, the situation was being 'workshopped'. This is the means by which people who don't know anything get together to pool their ignorance.”
“Too many people, when listing all the perils to be found in the search for lost treasure or ancient wisdom, had forgotten to put at the top of the list "the man who arrived just before you".”
“He opened the box and took out the kitten. It stared at him with the normal mad amazement of kittens everywhere.
I DON'T HOLD WITH CRUELTY TO CATS, said Death, putting it gently on the floor.”
“Their eyes said that... they did know the meaning of the word 'fear'. It was something that happened to other people.”
“It sucks all the life right out of you, civilisation."
"It killed Old Vincent the Ripper," said Boy Willie. "He choked to death on a concubine."
There was no sound but the hiss of snow in the fire and a number of people thinking fast.
"I think you mean cucumber," said the bard.
"That's right, cucumber," said Boy Willie. "I've never been good at them long words."
"Very important difference in a salad situation." said Cohen.”
“I'm sure Mr da Quirm draws lovely pictures, but I for one would need a little more evidence of his amazing genius before we entrust the world to his...device. Show me one thing he can do that anyone couldn't do, if they had the time.'
'I have never considered myself a genius,' said Leonard, looking down bashfully and doodling on the paper in front of him.
'Well, if I was a genius I think I'd know it-' the Dean began, and then stopped.
Absent-mindedly, while barely paying attention to what he was doing, Leonard had drawn a perfect circle.”
“Me and Evil Harry go way back," said Cohen, rolling a cigarette. "I knew him when he was starting up with just two lads and his Shed of Doom."
"And Slasher, the Steed of Terror," Evil Harry pointed out.
"Yes, but he was a donkey, Harry," Cohen pointed out.
"He had a very nasty bite on him, though. He'd take your finger off as soon as look at you.”
“Its funny," said Vena. "I never knew I had the talent, but people will come miles for my dumplings."
"No change there, then," said Truckle the Uncivil. "Hur, hur, hur."
"Truckle," said Cohen, "remember when you told me to tell you when you were bein' too uncivil?"
"Yeah?"
"That was one of those times.”
“People think that it is strange to have a turtle ten thousand miles long and an elephant more than two thousand miles tall, which just shows that the human brain is ill-adapted for thinking and was probably originally designed for cooling the blood.”
“The wizards were good at wind, weather being a matter not of force but of lepidoptery.”
“It's classical mythology, Cohen," said the minstrel. "I thought everyone knew. He was chained to a rock for eternity and every day an eagle comes and pecks out his liver."
"Is that true?"
"It's mentioned in many of the classic texts."
"I'm not much of a reader," said Cohen. "Chained to a rock? For a first offence? He's still there?"
"Eternity isn't finished yet, Cohen."
"He must've had a big liver!"
"It grows again every night, according to the legend," said the minstrel.
"I wish my kidneys did," said Cohen.”
“Five damn days, that battle took," said Truckle, "'cos the Duchess was doing a tapestry to commemorate it, right? We had to keep doing the fights over and over again, and there was the devil to pay when she was changing needles. There's no place for the media on the field of battle, I've always said."
"Aye, and I mind you makin' a rude sign to the ladies!" Hamish cackled. "I saw that ol' tapestry in the castle of Rosante years later and I could tell it wuz you!”
“ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT I WILL KILL THE CAT BY LOOKING AT IT?
- It's not quite like that, sir
- I MEAN, IT'S NOT AS IF I MAKE FACES OR ANYTHING”
“Oh, you're Fate?" said Cohen, as they reached the gaming table. "Always wanted to meet you. I thought you were supposed to be blind?"
"No."
"How about if someone stuck two fingers in yer eyes?"
"I'm sorry?"
"Just my little joke."
"Ha. Ha," said Fate.”
“S called a lute," said Caleb, through a mouthful of walrus.
"Whut?"
"IT'S CALLED A LUTE, HAMISH!"
"Aye, I used to loot!”
“There's always hope."
"So? There's always taxes, too. It doesn't make any difference.”
“And my commander always says, when we go about our business in the city, that when you look at the state of mankind you are forced to accept the reality of the gods.'
(Captain Carrot)”
“Die Götter spielen mit dem Schicksal der Menschen. Es sind ganz offensichtlich keine komplexen Spiele, denn den Göttern fehlt es an Geduld.”
“I'm the guy who reputedly denies that people experience colors or pains, and thinks that thermostats think — just ask my critics.”
“So don't. Come hang out with me at work. We can play naughty dress up with the hospital gowns and rearrange the supply closets.”
“Yes, but we do not know that he snores, my love,’ Lady Ombersley pointed out. ‘Indeed, we may be almost certain that he does not, for his manners are so very gentleman-like!’ ‘A man who would contract the mumps,’ declared Cecilia, ‘would do anything!”
“The man she had loved as a father was a fraud. He kissed the back of her hands and advocated war; he had played with her on the carpet with toy soldiers, and all along he had been planning the extinction of an entire people.
There would be no resettlement in the east. No carefully orchestrated exodus of Jews from Germany, no trains wending through the mountains, carrying Jews to another home in another country. There would be no peaceful expulsion. It was obvious now; Hitler had said it himself tonight. The internal purification of the Jewish spirit is not possible.
She understood. In Hitler's Germany, the Jews would have no place at all.”
“And yet for that, blood is thicker than water, even if the only thing you've shared with your people have been hardships and miseries.”
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