I Was Born for This

Most adults see teenagers as confused kids who don't understand much, while they're the pillars of knowledge and experience and know exactly what is right at all times. I think the truth is that everyone in the entire world is confused and nobody understands much of anything at all.

In an otherwise mediocre existence, we chose to feel passion.

I'm excellent at faking being okay with things, even when inside my brain there is a tiny screaming gnome who is definitely not okay.

I mean, everyone's normal, everyones's weird, everyones's just trying to deal with their own life and keep calm and carry on. And hold on to something that'll keep them going.

I hate not having anything to hold while I’m not talking. What do you do with your hands?

Being a male fan of obscure old bands is, for some reason, more acceptable than being a female fan of a twenty-first-century boy band.

So what's up with you?' she asks. 'Having a crisis,' I say. 'Same,' she says.

It carries on. The world, I mean. And we sit and we watch. And I know I did something. Took a risk. Lived a real life. Me. Angel Rahimi. Maybe tomorrow I'll do something else. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and think about me and what I want. Maybe tomorrow I'll believe in something other than boys on a screen.

And when he gets to heaven,' he sings....'to Saint Peter he will tell: One more soldier reporting, sir. I've served my time in hell.

I’m gonna die,’ I say again, as we’re walking out of the tube station towards the O2 arena. ‘I’m gonna die. I’m literally gonna die.’ ‘Wouldn’t recommend that,’ says Juliet, as if she’s been on a two-week holiday to Death and gave it two out of five on TripAdvisor.

If we can talk about anxiety, we can talk about poo. They’re basically the same thing.

I shrug. ‘Must be nice to just … be a person.’ Rowan stares at me. The flashing lights reflect in his glasses. ‘But we’re gods, Jimmy. What’s better than that?

I am not afraid, said Noah I was born for this".

Maybe it just takes seventy years to get the hang of being alive.

Shall we start over?' I say. Juliet shrugs. 'No. This has been an important part of our friendship development.

We both say, 'Aaaaaay,' at the same time, and I think that means we're friends.

Their music was good and fun, yes, but they looked kind. They were attractive, but not in a scary, very masculine way that many young girls find intimidating. They had floppy hair and skinny frames, you know, that sort of thing. Which is very fashionable now, but wasn’t really back then. They gave these girls something very safe to love. Something that would never bite them back. In the sixties, everything would bite you back if you were a girl.

And I still hate myself. Just FYI. Still think I'm the worst. But, you know. That's not uncommon.

And the saddest thing about you fans is that you don't care about yourselves. You would give your lives for these boys. They practically keep you alive. But beneath that, and if you took all that away, you fundamentally do not value yourself.

the romantic comedy I seem to have ended up in as the comic-relief ethnically diverse side character

being a fan isn’t always about the thing you’re a fan of. okay, well it sort of is, but there is so much more to it than just going online and screaming that you love something. being a fan has given me people to talk to about the things that i like for the last five years. being a fan has made me better friends online than i’ve ever encountered in real life; it has entered me into a community where people are joined in love and passion and hope and joy and escape. being a fan has given me a reason to wake up, something always to look forward to, something to dream about while i’m trying to fall asleep

And the three of us laugh. And I imagine this must be what it's like to have real friends.

Do you want to talk about it?’ says Rowan. ‘No,’ I say. But God, I do. I always do.

I'm not afraid, said Noah, I was born for this.

She knows now. She knows that the smiles, the romance, the sparkly boy band dream - it's all just fantasy. fantasy and lies.

She definitely wasn't what I thought she was.' 'She wasn't a maniacal fan, you mean?' 'She was a maniacal fan, but I don't think the maniacal fans are what I thought they were. Well, not all of them, anyway.' 'They're just a bit normal, really,' I say. 'Or we're all weird.' 'You can say that again.

Being a fan isn't always about the thing you're a fan of. Okay well, it sort of is, but there is much more to it than just going online and screaming that you love something. Being a fan has given me people to talk to about the things that I like for the past five years. Being a fan has made me better friends online than I've ever encountered in real life; it has entered me into a community where people are joined in love and passion and hope and joy and escape. Being a fan has given me a reason to wake up, something always to look forward to, something to dream about while I'm trying to fall asleep. And people sneer. Sure. I get it. Adults especially. They see all these teenage girls and they think it's because we're stupid. They only see the tiny percentage of fans who take it too far – the stalkers – and they think we're all like that. They think we only love the band because of their looks; they think we only like their music because it's relatable. They think all of us are girls. They think all of us are straight. They think we're dumb little girls who spend all our time screaming because we want to marry a musician. They don't understand half of it. Any of it. How could they? Adults don't think teenagers can do anything, anyway. But despite everything in the world being terrible, we choose to stand by The Ark. We choose hope, light, joy, friendship, faith, even when our lives aren't perfect, or exciting, or fun, or special, like the boys from The Ark. I might be a disappointing student, without many close friends, with a life of mediocrity waiting for me back at home – an average degree from an average university, an average job and an average life – but I will always have this. In an otherwise mediocre existence, we choose to feel passion.

They gave these girls something very safe to love. Something that would never bite them back. In the sixties, everything would bite you back if you were a girl.

But we're gods, Jimmy. What's better than that?