I Am Zlatan Ibrahimović

At Balkan, it was more like, ‘I’ll do your mum up the arse.’ They were mental Yugoslavs who smoked like chimneys and flung their boots about, and I thought, Great, just like at home.

I like being around warriors, and Mihajlović was a bruiser. He always did everything to win.

What was relegation into the second division, when my Dad had just become my biggest fan?

When I got home to Piazza Castello, everything was swimming around me, and I thought, I’ll take a shower, maybe that’ll help. But everything kept spinning. As soon as I moved my head, the whole world moved along with it, and finally I fell asleep in the bathtub. I was woken up by Helena, who just laughed at me. I’ve told her never to breathe a word about it.

But he didn’t meet any burglars. It was my Xbox, which was still on and had been humming along for three weeks, ever since I’d dashed off to take Juventus’s private plane to Milan.