No Hope for Gomez!

Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors.

The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker.

I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg. I felt dirty and stupid.

We played for about half an hour before I realized we were actually playing two different games. What I’d thought of as ludo was actually a game called gin rummy, and what Warren was playing seemed to be a mixture of craps and table tennis. Once we started playing by one consistent set of rules, though, the fun was really over.

I wore an elaborate disguise that made me look like a caterer from a rivaling company.

What was wrong with people these days? Couldn’t a guy have a few beers to drown a personal problem without getting caught up in a makeshift intervention?

what Warren was playing seemed to be a mixture of craps and table tennis.

Some of my stuff’s so ugly, a little water damage could only help. Might

You’re stuck with yourself for the rest of your life, and now you know, beyond a doubt, that you’re an asshole.

it sounds like my neighbor is stir-frying hamsters in a large enameled wok.

what was it they called you? It’s on the tip of my tongue. It was something to do with cats and large amounts of body fat…

what tipped me off was the pink nighty I was wearing and the abundance of flowers decorating my room.

Another terrible night. Neighbor was busy with his hamsters again

In all these years, I’ve never seen you smile so often. Are you mentally ill?

She’s funny and intelligent, well-mannered and clean, and her smile is exceedingly cute. Also, she has big tits.

stating the cause of death to be completely natural and, if possible, even somewhat pleasant.

I think it’s better for customer relations if we all commit to wearing matching socks,

I’d urge you to stay away from any and all martial arts practitioners for the time being.

My dad gave her the finger, went down to town hall, and took the name of the person in line ahead of him. He wasn’t aware he’d overheard a last name.

I gave her the finger and moved along to the waiting area.

Then I wondered, briefly, where one might obtain a prosthetic Adam’s apple, and what its primary use would be.

why hadn’t all these women tried to jump me?

His gums stopped bleeding and his skin cleared up.

I must’ve been stone-cold sexy this whole time without even realizing.

Gravity has a slightly stronger hold on me than it does on other people. I’m sure of it. It pulls on me a little harder during the day, and really tugs away at me first thing in the morning. It’s freaky.

I wasn’t going to have my pressure points fondled unexpectedly.

Dug up a die and threw it 72 times. Aimed to get as high a total as possible. Tallied the throws knowing I should end up with a number close to 252 (on average the throws should distribute evenly over all six faces, hitting each face about twelve times). Instead of 252, though, I came up with 166. A much lower number, which made my average throw just over 2, instead of the expected 3.5. I was clearly beating the odds, in a bad way.

It felt a bit like French kissing an old lady; all the right moves, but in totally the wrong places.