“Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg.
I felt dirty and stupid.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“We played for about half an hour before I realized we were actually playing two different games. What I’d thought of as ludo was actually a game called gin rummy, and what Warren was playing seemed to be a mixture of craps and table tennis. Once we started playing by one consistent set of rules, though, the fun was really over.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“I wore an elaborate disguise that made me look like a caterer from a rivaling company.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“What was wrong with people these days? Couldn’t a guy have a few beers to drown a personal problem without getting caught up in a makeshift intervention?”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“what Warren was playing seemed to be a mixture of craps and table tennis.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“Some of my stuff’s so ugly, a little water damage could only help. Might”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“You’re stuck with yourself for the rest of your life, and now you know, beyond a doubt, that you’re an asshole.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“it sounds like my neighbor is stir-frying hamsters in a large enameled wok.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“what was it they called you? It’s on the tip of my tongue. It was something to do with cats and large amounts of body fat…”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“what tipped me off was the pink nighty I was wearing and the abundance of flowers decorating my room.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“Another terrible night. Neighbor was busy with his hamsters again”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“In all these years, I’ve never seen you smile so often. Are you mentally ill?”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“She’s funny and intelligent, well-mannered and clean, and her smile is exceedingly cute. Also, she has big tits.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“stating the cause of death to be completely natural and, if possible, even somewhat pleasant.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“I think it’s better for customer relations if we all commit to wearing matching socks,”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“I’d urge you to stay away from any and all martial arts practitioners for the time being.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“My dad gave her the finger, went down to town hall, and took the name of the person in line ahead of him. He wasn’t aware he’d overheard a last name.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“I gave her the finger and moved along to the waiting area.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“Then I wondered, briefly, where one might obtain a prosthetic Adam’s apple, and what its primary use would be.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“Reputable companies don’t get their test subjects through ads in gaming magazines,”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“why hadn’t all these women tried to jump me?”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“His gums stopped bleeding and his skin cleared up.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“I must’ve been stone-cold sexy this whole time without even realizing.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“Gravity has a slightly stronger hold on me than it does on other people. I’m sure of it. It pulls on me a little harder during the day, and really tugs away at me first thing in the morning. It’s freaky.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“I wasn’t going to have my pressure points fondled unexpectedly.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“Dug up a die and threw it 72 times. Aimed to get as high a total as possible. Tallied the throws knowing I should end up with a number close to 252 (on average the throws should distribute evenly over all six faces, hitting each face about twelve times). Instead of 252, though, I came up with 166. A much lower number, which made my average throw just over 2, instead of the expected 3.5. I was clearly beating the odds, in a bad way.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
“It felt a bit like French kissing an old lady; all the right moves, but in totally the wrong places.”
― Graham Parke, quote from No Hope for Gomez!
Graham Parke
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“ALICE was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do:”
― Lewis Carroll, quote from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Other Stories
“These days I keep noticing how my feelings towards men - and the feelings of all the other women - are changing. We feel sorry for them; they seem so miserable and powerless. The weaker sex. Deep down we women are experiencing a kind of collective disappointment. The Nazi world - ruled by men, glorifying the strong man - is beginning to crumble, and with it the myth of "Man". In earlier wars men could claim that the privilege of killing and being killed for the fatherland was theirs and theirs alone. Today, we women, too, have a share. That has transformed us, emboldened us. Among the many defeats at the end of this war is the defeat of the male sex.”
― quote from A Woman in Berlin: Eight Weeks in the Conquered City: A Diary
“The first hit is always yours.”
― Megan Derr, quote from Tournament of Losers
“Punching - 2 shillings
Both eyes blacked - 4 shillings
Nose and jaw broke - 10 shillings
Jacked out (knocked out with a blackjack) - 15 shillings
Ear chewed off - same as previous
Leg or arm broke - 19 shillings
Shot in leg - 25 shillings
Stab - same as previous
Doing the Big Job - 3 pounds and up”
― Eoin Colfer, quote from The Reluctant Assassin
“There's always been a love-hate thing between me and running. First off, if you don't get started at the ass crack of dawn, the Oklahoma summer sun will melt you into a puddle of good intentions. Plus, it hurts. I mean, have you ever seen a happy jogger? We scowl. We pant and grimace. In fact, if you ever see one of us smiling, you should assume we're a complete psychopath and run for your life.”
― Jennifer Latham, quote from Dreamland Burning
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