Entangled

He drives a newish-looking silver van. Man in van = obviously dodgy.

I smile. On the inside though, so no one can see. A secret smile just for me.

I remember. All of it. And it hurts. More than I'd ever thought possible. I know where I am and what I've done and why I can't move or speak or open my eyes. And I'm scared. It was all a terrible mistake. I'd like not to be here. I'd like to go home now. Please. Please

It’s not that I mind being alone, not really. I can distract myself with silly fantasies and daydreams for hours, but in the end it always comes back to me. That’s what I’m left with: just me. And that’s what scares me more than anything. Me.

Kind of just existed from day to day, on weird plateau of feeling nothingness.

I wanted to grab his stupid ears and smash his stupid head against the door until his stupid brains leaked out. Instead, I did nothing.

I called no one, and no one called me. I was suffocating with loneliness. The pain was almost physical. I felt like tearing myself apart. I wanted to escape from my own skin.

Mothers can be so dense. Just act like you approve of what we're doing. We'll soon do the exact opposite, just to spite you.

It's when I'm alone that the doubt sets in. It's been that way for years. As long as there are people around, I can pretend that everything's OK. But I need that audience to pretend for, otherwise it doesn't work. Alone, I'm not that easy to fool.

It struck me that there would always be a part of him that didn’t (and shouldn’t) belong to me. It’s all too easy to think that the people you care about go into some kind of suspended animation when you’re not around. That they only truly come to life when they’re with you, and don’t really exist without you. I mean, you know that’s not true (you’re not stupid, after all), but that other part of their life is kind of irrelevant – to you at least.

I hugged my knees to my chest, desperately trying to hold myself together so I didn’t splinter into a thousand pieces. If I let go, no one would ever be able to put the pieces together again.