Mind Games

Their smiles are lies. Most smiles are.

Planning is not my friend. Impulse is.

I should curl up in a ball and cry. Instead i think about everything in the whole entire world that makes me angry - There is a lot, oh, there is a lot - and I start singing Justin Bieber at the top of my lungs.

I start at the beginning, mentally screaming every obscenity I can in alphabetical order. Then I start setting them to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat

I am the ocean we lived on for two months. I am empty. I am nothing.

I could have kisses like that for the rest of my life. Kisses that don't know who I am. Kisses that make me feel more and less than what I am. But my finger tap tap taps on my leg and reminds me that I am not who Adam thinks I am, and it makes me want to cry. It's not that I don't deserve his kiss. It's that the person I am can never really share a life, a soul, with the person he is.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does anyone give a crap?" I mutter.

In this room I have picked which gun was unloaded out of ten options. And then they pulled the trigger on me. I have picked stocks that went on to skyrocket. I have picked which pencil I would shove into Ms. Robertson’s ear until she kicked me out for thinking about it.

I turn and walk out, knowing exactly how many steps will take me away from that monster. Once again wishing I were Fia, Fia who could have killed him with her bare hands. Fia who is impossible broken because she can do just that.

- "Control what an interesting word for you to be dwelling on" - "I have other words" I scream the F-Word in my head, over and over again.

I am so filled with wrong I don’t remember what right is.

I am the predator in any situation. I am not worried.

I push through to where it is the thickest, where it is the loudest, where you can feel the music in your teeth, where it overpowers your heartbeat, where it takes over. I don't want my own heartbeat tonight. I want it to pulse and pump outside of me.

And that he knows what I did and he still sat next to me and laughed and told me I had the prettiest eyes he'd ever seen but that I was far too young for him to kiss until he had had at least three more drinks.

Still, I will protect Annie. She is the only person in the world who loves me. She is the only person in the world who would never use me. She is my anchor, the chain around my ankle, the thing that means it doesn't matter what James does or who he is - I will still be his because I will always be Annie's.

He is never more beautiful to me than when he is livid.

To burning my father to the ground.

I’m nobody. I’m collateral damage with a lot of training.

I don’t want to think about things like normal and safe, things I can’t have.

Silly. Dark isn’t scary. Dark is safe.” “Why?” “I live in the dark all the time. But when it’s dark outside everyone has to be there, too. And if you can’t see someone, they can’t see you, either.” She sniffles a few times. “So, it’s like I’m hiding in the dark?” “Yes. You’re the secret when it’s dark. Dark is safe.

Give my love to the kids," I shout as the door closes, and I've never seen that shade of red on a face. It's quite lovely, actually, I should aim for it more often.

Everyone here is insane. I am the insanest of the insane.

She's a monster." Ms. Robertson Clarice, small laugh: "But she's out monster.

They know I have no choice, but if I did, they’d all be dead.

I am James's but he is not mine.

I’ll take care of her.” “She’s not yours to take care of.

After a song or three or seven, James pull me closer.

My bed is massive (I drown in it, and it doesn’t matter how big the bed is, my nightmares more than fill it)

I’m your big sister. I don’t have to see anything to know James is always something bad.” Fia snorts. “You wouldn’t think so if you could look at him.