Billy Crystal · 288 pages
Rating: (11K votes)
“Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“Westboro Baptist Church: STOP. Stop protesting the funerals of our soldiers who died in action because you are anti-gay. When one of you dies, I’m going to show up with a couple of gay veterans and we’re going to do a musical at your funeral.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“Do something special on your birthday. Whatever you do, celebrate the fact that you’re here, and that people love you and you love them. We only do this once.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“We tiptoe around like we’re the Frank family and the Gestapo is downstairs. The baby monitor is in our room, and the unspoken rule is that when the kids go down, so do we. So at seven P.M., I’m in bed waiting for the sandman to come. I can’t watch TV, because the noise may wake up the kids; I can’t listen to music with my iPod earbuds, because then I can’t hear the monitor; and I can’t have sex, because that could wake up Janice.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“You bought a one-way ticket to New York with no return flight booked,” he says. “I’m flying to New York and I’m not coming back for a month or two,” I explain. “I’m not booking a round-trip flight at this point.” “I understand. No problem. We’ll be finished right after a quick thorough search.” I think he’s kidding. He’s not. I keep trying to joke with him as he frisks me a little too eagerly. “I thought you’d buy me a drink first,” I say. “I guess the only people drinking fifteen minutes before a flight are the pilots.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“Think of renovating a house like operating the federal government. You start with a budget and the revenue to finance it. Then the special interests keep adding items to the list; you have to end the war between the interior decorator and the electrician, so you pump in more money to buy peace; and by the time you’re done, you’re $16 trillion in debt and having to borrow money from the Chinese.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“And if we really want to stay current and relevant, we have to use social media. And by that I mean Facebook. There are one billion people on Facebook. Maybe older people should have our own social media. We can call it What Did That Doctor Do to Your Face Book? In fact, we can have our own text and Facebook abbreviations. We can have our own WTF, LOL, and LMAO. GNIB: Good news, it’s benign. OMG: Oh, my gout. DMMLIMNWD: Don’t make me laugh, I’m not wearing Depends. WAI: Where am I? ITIHSBCR: I think I had sex but can’t remember. ILI: I like Ike. TKDC: The kids didn’t call. DTLSTY: Does this look swollen to you? CTDMELOFM: Call the doctor—my erection lasted over four minutes. PAMUHNASIHSB: Put a mirror under his nose and see if he’s still breathing. Bottom line: we can’t be dial-up in a Wi-Fi world.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“Insomnia, from the Greek word meaning "I can't fucking sleep!”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“...but I had learned over the years that if you're not happy doing what you're doing, then you shouldn't be doing it.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“We all have a different image of what old is, and if you were exposed to senior citizens at a young age, as I was, it can color your soul with terror.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“I found a sense of peace on Beechnut. I could just walk with him and not have to say a word. In between takes, I would sit with the cast and Beechnut would stand behind me, sometimes with his head on my shoulder. I didn't have to tie him, up; he would just stand there. I loved being a cowboy... again. The only other times
I'd felt this sense of peace had been while fielding ground balls or playing catch on a baseball field or doing stand-up when everything was working. When filming was over, my agent, Andrea Eastman, gave me Beechnut as a surprise gift. at first, I didn't want him. Owning a horse is an enormous responsibility, and
I was concerned hat my relationship with him was just a location romance. But I accepted, and I rode him until 2009, when he passed away at the age of twenty-eight.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“We first knew something was up when the construction chief pulled out a stethoscope and started listening to the wall.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
Billy Crystal
Born place: in Long Beach, New York, The United States
Born date March 14, 1948
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“Happiness is not out there for us to find. The reason that it’s not out there is that it’s inside us.”
― Sonja Lyubomirsky, quote from The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want
“I guess it’s easier to believe a lie that helps you than a truth that doesn’t,” I remarked sadly.”
― J.M. Northup, quote from Fears of Darkness
“Is he who you think about? When you’re scared? Cas?”
“Don’t say his name here,” Dean whispered harshly, “Don’t do that. Not here.”
― quote from Twist and Shout
“My mother said, "Arturo, stop that. Your sister's tired."
"Oh Holy Ghost, Oh Holy inflated triple ego, get us out of the depression. Elect Roosevelt. Keep us on the gold standard. Take France off, but for Christ's sake keep us on!"
"Arturo, stop that"
"Oh Jehovah, in your infinite mutability see if you can't scrape up some coin for the Bandini family."
My mother said, "Shame, Arturo. Shame."
I got up on the divan and yelled, "I reject the hypothesis of God! Down with the decadence of a fraudulent Christianity! Religion is the opium of the people! All that we are or ever hope to be we owe to the devil and his bootleg apples!"
My mother came after me with the broom.”
― John Fante, quote from The Road to Los Angeles
“I know the moon brought her to me. I know she saved me from myself. Showed me what love is supposed to be. Not the shallow, immature love I used to believe in. Love that was nothing more than hormones and ego. When she kicked the soccer ball at my head, it was like she woke up my soul. At that moment, I knew. As naturally as I knew the sound of my own heartbeat. Knew we belonged together forever.”
― Jillian Dodd, quote from Get Me
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