Billy Crystal · 288 pages
Rating: (11K votes)
“Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“Westboro Baptist Church: STOP. Stop protesting the funerals of our soldiers who died in action because you are anti-gay. When one of you dies, I’m going to show up with a couple of gay veterans and we’re going to do a musical at your funeral.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“Do something special on your birthday. Whatever you do, celebrate the fact that you’re here, and that people love you and you love them. We only do this once.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“We tiptoe around like we’re the Frank family and the Gestapo is downstairs. The baby monitor is in our room, and the unspoken rule is that when the kids go down, so do we. So at seven P.M., I’m in bed waiting for the sandman to come. I can’t watch TV, because the noise may wake up the kids; I can’t listen to music with my iPod earbuds, because then I can’t hear the monitor; and I can’t have sex, because that could wake up Janice.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“You bought a one-way ticket to New York with no return flight booked,” he says. “I’m flying to New York and I’m not coming back for a month or two,” I explain. “I’m not booking a round-trip flight at this point.” “I understand. No problem. We’ll be finished right after a quick thorough search.” I think he’s kidding. He’s not. I keep trying to joke with him as he frisks me a little too eagerly. “I thought you’d buy me a drink first,” I say. “I guess the only people drinking fifteen minutes before a flight are the pilots.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“Think of renovating a house like operating the federal government. You start with a budget and the revenue to finance it. Then the special interests keep adding items to the list; you have to end the war between the interior decorator and the electrician, so you pump in more money to buy peace; and by the time you’re done, you’re $16 trillion in debt and having to borrow money from the Chinese.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“And if we really want to stay current and relevant, we have to use social media. And by that I mean Facebook. There are one billion people on Facebook. Maybe older people should have our own social media. We can call it What Did That Doctor Do to Your Face Book? In fact, we can have our own text and Facebook abbreviations. We can have our own WTF, LOL, and LMAO. GNIB: Good news, it’s benign. OMG: Oh, my gout. DMMLIMNWD: Don’t make me laugh, I’m not wearing Depends. WAI: Where am I? ITIHSBCR: I think I had sex but can’t remember. ILI: I like Ike. TKDC: The kids didn’t call. DTLSTY: Does this look swollen to you? CTDMELOFM: Call the doctor—my erection lasted over four minutes. PAMUHNASIHSB: Put a mirror under his nose and see if he’s still breathing. Bottom line: we can’t be dial-up in a Wi-Fi world.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“Insomnia, from the Greek word meaning "I can't fucking sleep!”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“...but I had learned over the years that if you're not happy doing what you're doing, then you shouldn't be doing it.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“We all have a different image of what old is, and if you were exposed to senior citizens at a young age, as I was, it can color your soul with terror.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“I found a sense of peace on Beechnut. I could just walk with him and not have to say a word. In between takes, I would sit with the cast and Beechnut would stand behind me, sometimes with his head on my shoulder. I didn't have to tie him, up; he would just stand there. I loved being a cowboy... again. The only other times
I'd felt this sense of peace had been while fielding ground balls or playing catch on a baseball field or doing stand-up when everything was working. When filming was over, my agent, Andrea Eastman, gave me Beechnut as a surprise gift. at first, I didn't want him. Owning a horse is an enormous responsibility, and
I was concerned hat my relationship with him was just a location romance. But I accepted, and I rode him until 2009, when he passed away at the age of twenty-eight.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
“We first knew something was up when the construction chief pulled out a stethoscope and started listening to the wall.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys
Billy Crystal
Born place: in Long Beach, New York, The United States
Born date March 14, 1948
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“Neil had been doing one stupid thing after another all year long and this has turned into one of the best years of his life.”
― Nora Sakavic, quote from The King's Men
“This is how people behave when their dailiness is destroyed, when for a few moments they see, plain and unadorned, one of the great shaping forces of life. Calamity fixes them with her mesmeric eye, and they begin to scoop and paw at the rubble of their days, trying to pluck the memory of the quotidian - a toy, a book, a garment, even a photograph - from the garbage heaps of the irretrievable, of their overwhelming loss.”
― Salman Rushdie, quote from The Ground Beneath Her Feet
“And like an aviator who rolls painfully along the ground until, abruptly, he breaks away from it, I felt myself being slowly lifted towards the silent peaks of memory.”
― Marcel Proust, quote from Time Regained
“The apartment was haunted by the ghost of her long departed cabbage.”
― Richard Bachman, quote from The Running Man
“...what is written on paper affects history. But not life. Life is a different history.”
― Mario Puzo, quote from The Sicilian
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