Quotes from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“Westboro Baptist Church: STOP. Stop protesting the funerals of our soldiers who died in action because you are anti-gay. When one of you dies, I’m going to show up with a couple of gay veterans and we’re going to do a musical at your funeral.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“Do something special on your birthday. Whatever you do, celebrate the fact that you’re here, and that people love you and you love them. We only do this once.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“We tiptoe around like we’re the Frank family and the Gestapo is downstairs. The baby monitor is in our room, and the unspoken rule is that when the kids go down, so do we. So at seven P.M., I’m in bed waiting for the sandman to come. I can’t watch TV, because the noise may wake up the kids; I can’t listen to music with my iPod earbuds, because then I can’t hear the monitor; and I can’t have sex, because that could wake up Janice.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“You bought a one-way ticket to New York with no return flight booked,” he says. “I’m flying to New York and I’m not coming back for a month or two,” I explain. “I’m not booking a round-trip flight at this point.” “I understand. No problem. We’ll be finished right after a quick thorough search.” I think he’s kidding. He’s not. I keep trying to joke with him as he frisks me a little too eagerly. “I thought you’d buy me a drink first,” I say. “I guess the only people drinking fifteen minutes before a flight are the pilots.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“Think of renovating a house like operating the federal government. You start with a budget and the revenue to finance it. Then the special interests keep adding items to the list; you have to end the war between the interior decorator and the electrician, so you pump in more money to buy peace; and by the time you’re done, you’re $16 trillion in debt and having to borrow money from the Chinese.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“And if we really want to stay current and relevant, we have to use social media. And by that I mean Facebook. There are one billion people on Facebook. Maybe older people should have our own social media. We can call it What Did That Doctor Do to Your Face Book? In fact, we can have our own text and Facebook abbreviations. We can have our own WTF, LOL, and LMAO. GNIB: Good news, it’s benign. OMG: Oh, my gout. DMMLIMNWD: Don’t make me laugh, I’m not wearing Depends. WAI: Where am I? ITIHSBCR: I think I had sex but can’t remember. ILI: I like Ike. TKDC: The kids didn’t call. DTLSTY: Does this look swollen to you? CTDMELOFM: Call the doctor—my erection lasted over four minutes. PAMUHNASIHSB: Put a mirror under his nose and see if he’s still breathing. Bottom line: we can’t be dial-up in a Wi-Fi world.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“Insomnia, from the Greek word meaning "I can't fucking sleep!”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“...but I had learned over the years that if you're not happy doing what you're doing, then you shouldn't be doing it.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“We all have a different image of what old is, and if you were exposed to senior citizens at a young age, as I was, it can color your soul with terror.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“I found a sense of peace on Beechnut. I could just walk with him and not have to say a word. In between takes, I would sit with the cast and Beechnut would stand behind me, sometimes with his head on my shoulder. I didn't have to tie him, up; he would just stand there. I loved being a cowboy... again. The only other times
I'd felt this sense of peace had been while fielding ground balls or playing catch on a baseball field or doing stand-up when everything was working. When filming was over, my agent, Andrea Eastman, gave me Beechnut as a surprise gift. at first, I didn't want him. Owning a horse is an enormous responsibility, and
I was concerned hat my relationship with him was just a location romance. But I accepted, and I rode him until 2009, when he passed away at the age of twenty-eight.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

“We first knew something was up when the construction chief pulled out a stethoscope and started listening to the wall.”
― Billy Crystal, quote from Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys

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BookQuoters is a community of passionate readers who enjoy sharing the most meaningful, memorable and interesting quotes from great books. As the world communicates more and more via texts, memes and sound bytes, short but profound quotes from books have become more relevant and important. For some of us a quote becomes a mantra, a goal or a philosophy by which we live. For all of us, quotes are a great way to remember a book and to carry with us the author’s best ideas.

We thoughtfully gather quotes from our favorite books, both classic and current, and choose the ones that are most thought-provoking. Each quote represents a book that is interesting, well written and has potential to enhance the reader’s life. We also accept submissions from our visitors and will select the quotes we feel are most appealing to the BookQuoters community.

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