Small Vices

I took my .38 out and looked to see that there were bullets in all the proper places. I knew there would be, but it did no harm to be careful. And I'd seen Clint Eastwood do it once in the movies.

Susan said. “Kindness is not dangerous. You have found a way to work and live which allows you to integrate the violence and the compassion. If you had no impulse to violence, your compassion wouldn’t be so admirable. If you had no compassion, your violence would be intolerable. You understand what I’m saying?

Sandy’s face was very close to mine in the crowded room. She had a wide mouth and a lot of teeth. She had turned in her seat so that she had one thigh on each side of my leg. Her chest was against my arm. In another minute we wouldn’t have to go anywhere to have sex.

Works for me,” I said. “And what about the anger, what are you going to do with that?” “I’m not going to do anything with it. Anger doesn’t have to be expressed. It is enough to know that you’re angry, and know why, and not lie to yourself about it.” “You mean it’s not repression if I keep my feelings to myself?” “No,” she said. “It’s repression if you pretend to yourself you don’t have them.

Isn’t appraising a woman’s appearance a sexist indiscretion?” I said. “Absolutely,” Susan said. “Do I look especially stunning in this dress?” The dress was black and simple with a short skirt. She did look stunning in it, but it wasn’t the dress. She still harbored the illusion that what she wore made a large difference in how she looked. I had years ago given up explaining to her that whatever she wore she was beautiful, and clothes generally benefited from being on her.

Another thing that’s bothersome,” I said, “is even though, according to the ME, there’s no proof of rape—they found no semen, for instance—everybody automatically refers to the fatal event as a rape and murder.” “That ’cause the alleged perp is a brother,” Hawk said. “And all you guys think about is ravaging our women.” “Not all,” Hawk said. “Sometimes we think ’bout eating fried chicken.” “While ravaging our women?” I said. “When possible,” Hawk said.

Vinnie called me. Said one of the guys works for Gino told him there was a guy looking to have you killed.” “He want Vinnie to do it?” “Don’t know,” Hawk said. “That’s all Vinnie told me. He’s full time with Gino now. He wouldn’t be freelancing anyway.” “How much they paying,” I said. “Now that’s ego,” Hawk said. “Well, how would I feel if somebody was offering five hundred bucks?” “Be embarrassing, wouldn’t it,” Hawk said.

IT HAD STARTED to get dark as I walked across the leafy campus. It was a nice fall evening with just enough coolness to make my jacket feel useful.

Even Ellis is not helpful,” I said. “Hawk said it’s because a lifer can’t allow himself to hope.” “I wonder if Hawk has another life as a shrink,” Susan said. “I’m not sure about Hawk’s tolerance for bullshit,” I said. “We don’t call it that,” Susan said. “What do you call it?” I said. “Avoidance.” “I don’t think Hawk has too much tolerance for that either.

I poured us two glasses, put the champagne in the bucket to chill, gave one glass to Susan, and sat down beside Pearl, who was now where she wanted to be, between me and Susan. But she wasn’t big enough. I could still reach past her and put my arm around Susan. Which I did. Pearl looked at me. I did not stick my tongue out at her. It is important to win gracefully.

I always felt that Rita Fiore had designs on you,” Susan said. “Me too,” I said. “I’ve always liked that about her.

I watched the kids walking past us on the sidewalk. They looked pretty much like any other kids. They were dressed for each other. Oversized clothes, sneakers, hats on backwards, or sideways. Most of them tried to look confident. Most of them were full of pretense. All of them were a little overmatched by the speed at which the world came at them. But these kids weren’t like other kids, and I knew it. These kids were doomed. And they knew it.

Pearl the Wonder Dog was asleep on her back, in the armchair next to the fireplace, with her feet sticking up in the air.

And she pressed closer to me and we were silent and I smelled her, and felt her and listened to her, and knew that if I had nothing else but this, this would be enough.

Anger doesn’t have to be expressed. It is enough to know that you’re angry, and know why, and not lie to yourself about it.

Somebody’s helping you and you have to take time off to listen to them and pretend you think their ideas are great and come up with an answer that makes them feel good,