A Million Suns

Well, sometimes home is a person.

Choice or no, my heart is his.

And here we are, in the middle, surrounded by a sea of stars. A million suns. Any of them could hold a planet. Any of them could hold a home. But all of them are out of reach. [p.218]

He's the only stable thing in the swirling chaos.

I feel alone. I don't mean i feel lonely; I mean i feel alone, the same way i feel the blanket resting on my body, or the feathers of my pillow under my head, or the tight string of my sleep pants twisted up around my waist. I feel alone as if it were an actual thing, seeping throughout this whole level like mist blanketing a field, reaching into all the hidden corners of my room and finding nothing living but me. It's a cold sort of feeling, this.

I look up. And I am surrounded by the universe. silence and stars A million suns stretch out beyond me, their light piercing the darkness.

I’m sorry.’ The two most inadequate words in the English language.

It's Elder who's my safe place. Elder's my home.

Maybe one day the smears of paint Harley left throughout Godspeed will fade, and maybe the stars never will, but i'd rather have Harley's colors.

Emotion courses through my veins, choking me. I feel so insignificant, a tiny speck surrounded by a million stars. A million suns.

I open my mouth. I want o say: I'm breaking, and i need someone to hold me together. But no sound comes out.

I look up, and he’s searching my eyes, just like he did after kissing me for the first time in the rain. “What are you looking for?” He doesn’t answer. He doesn’t need to. I know what he wants. And it’s not fair. “Just because we’re the only two teenagers on this whole ship doesn’t mean I have to love you. Why can’t I have a choice? Options?” Elder steps back, stung. “Look, it’s not that I don’t like you,” I say quickly, reaching for him. He jerks away. “It’s just…” “Just what?” he growls. Just that if I was back on Earth instead of on this damn ship, if I had met Elder at school or at a club or on a blind date, if I had my choice between Elder and every other boy in the world…Would I love him then? Would he love me? Love without choice isn’t love at all. “Just that I don’t want to be with you just because there’s no one else.” [p.57-58]

People are, at their heart, constantly moving toward a state of entropy. Much like this ship. We’re all spiraling out of control.

So you’re sticking with me, and I’m sticking with you.

Elder mocked me for praying once, and i spent an hour berating him for that. He ended up throwing up his hands, laughing, and telling me i could believe whatever i wanted if i was going to hold onto my beliefs so hard.

You could drop me anywhere in the universe, blindfolded, and I'd know this was his room just from the smell.

...that was before I'd started thinking about how life stuck on a ship wouldn't be so bad if Elder walked around pantless more.

I want her so much that it overrides everything else, every other thought in my head, every instinct, every restraint.

When I finally get out of bed, the only thing I want to do is go straight to Amy and demand her forgiveness. Maybe we can at least go back to what we had before our fight, even if all we had was an awkward friendship punctuated by significant silences.

Before, if I thought Christmas, I would have remembered my past on Earth and would have succumbed to the aching sadness for a life I can never have again. Now, I can think the word and not feel anything but a dull ache, a phantom pain for a part of my life that’s been amputated. [p.244]

I told Victria that love is a choice, and I told myself that I didn't have to choose Elder, but I can't forget the way my heart stopped when his did.

As soon as the words slip past my lips, I wish I could grab them with my hands and crush them in my fists. But I can’t. The words are there.

Is almost a good enough reason for fear ?

I click on the deaths and read the names carefully, memorising them. Because here’s the simple truth—if I hadn’t taken the ship off Phydus, people like ***** and ******* would still be alive. And while I could say that a shorter life with feelings is better than a longer life without, the dead can’t tell me their side. [p.88]

All I had to do was die a little, and you get a new planet!" I expected her to laugh, or at least smile. I did not expect her to slap my arm. "You stupid idiot!" she says, smacking me again. "I don't want the new planet without you!" Her eyes round as she realizes what she just said. Anytime we'd gotten this close to talking about us before, Amy has shied away from the topic. But now, instead of drawing away from me, she leans closer. Her hair spills over her shoulders, brushing my chest as she leans down. Her fiery joy at learning about the planet is replaced with something else, something warmer like a slow-burning but steady flame. "It wouldn't be worth it without you," she says, her voice low.

This is what I'm king of: a whirling mass of humans who either hate me or ignore me.