You Should See Me in a Crown

I never needed this race, or a hashtag, or the king to be a queen. I was born royalty. All I had to do was pick up my crown.

Just because it could be worse doesn't mean you don't get to acknowledge how much it sucks, you know.

And I know then what I've always known: Campbell is never going to make a space for me to fit. I'm going to have to demand it.

Silence and shame aren’t the same thing—not by a longshot. But sometimes silence is simpler.

I try to channel the confidence of a mediocre white man in a boardroom: untouchable.

The thing about anxiety is that it looks different for everyone. I mean, yeah, of course there are some threads that run through all of us that mark us as, you know, anxious people: being restless, exhausted, just plain fidgety. But it’s the nuances that change the game.

I’ve never felt quite like this though. Like I don’t know if I’m running away from something or to it. All I know is that I’m tired, so incredibly tired, of having to run at all.

Did you know you have the chance to be the first black queen in Campbell history?” I swallow. I did know that. Of course I know that. But I don’t like it being held against me. I don’t like the implication in her tone. You could make history if you just follow our rules. You could be a real credit to your people if you just straighten up and fly right. You could actually be worth something if you would shut up and take what we give you.

I’ve learned all the ways to keep my head down, to hide, to make myself scarce. But I never really learned how to say when enough was a enough. Until now.

I kiss her with everything I have. Like I'll never kiss her again. Because this is real, we finally made it to this place, and it's better than any fairy tale. Because I'm done letting people stop me. Because here, always, we deserve this good thing.

I never needed this race or a hashtag or the king to be a queen. I was born royalty. All I had to do was pick up my crown.

I nod anyway because honestly, if I'm gonna die, I want to die having said yes to her as many times as I can.

When you thought you might never have something again, when it comes back to you, it’s somehow a hundred times better than you remember.

Don’t worry. I’ll be your personal Uncle Iroh, offering sage advice along the way.” “I’m sorry, did you just make an Avatar the Last Airbender reference to me?

When you already feel like everything about you makes you stand out, it just makes more sense to find as many ways to blend in as you can.

High school is complicated, and the lines of demarcation that The Breakfast Club said divided us aren’t quite so clean-cut. The athletes are also the smart kids; the theater kids are also the presidents of the student council. But there’s still those outliers. The people who are everywhere but fit nowhere.

Loyalty between lifelong friends is complicated and runs deep. More deeply, even, than I think you realize, until just how different you and your friends have become is practically unavoidable.

When I open my mouth, everything happens so fast—the way I can feel her everywhere, the way my hands steady instead of shake where they tangle in her hair because I’ve maybe never felt so grounded before, so rooted in a moment.

It’s why I loved him so much all those years ago because he’s sometimes vulnerable and always honest. And the warmth I feel for him in this moment is proof of every good thought I’ve ever had about him; flaws and fears and mistakes all. He is every bit the friend I need him to be right now.

I was born royalty. All I had to do was pick up my crown.

We are not above mistakes, not stronger than death, but we sure know how to love. Even if it isn't always perfect, especially when it's a little messy, we know how to love one another fiercely. With everything we have.

You ready?” She whispers into my ear. With you, always, I think. “As I’ll ever be,” I say.

And I realize that she always looks like that, like she’ll always be there when I come back.

I don't believe in fairy tales and love at first sight and all that, but for just a second, I think this girl and those eyes and the way her freckles dot the entire expanse of her face are cute enough to make a believer out of me.

Terrible people aren't always the ones doing something wrong. Good people mess up too, but that doesn't mean we should let it slide.

How do you feel about Campbell now that you've been here a grand total of three weeks?" "Sometimes I can see why my mom and dad liked this place so much. Other times I'm not sure how anyone can breathe in this town." I sit on the table and close my eyes for a second. If there's one thing I understand, it's feeling stifled by the place we live and the people who live here. But I also understand the other part, the part of Campbell that is charming and beautiful, though I feel it less often.

Because she refuses to come out and say what people already assume to be true about her. Because, like she croons on their ballad "My Life, My Story," what she chooses to do should belong to her and the people she shares it with. She doesn't owe anyone anything.

Everything is so much more magnificent and complicated than I had initially budgeted for.

I'm not sure why it makes me feel weird to know that people are playing something I had a hand in creating, but it does. It feels too public somehow, like this thing that I do on my own to stay sane doesn't belong completely to me anymore, or something.

But there are still those outliers. The people who are everywhere but fit nowhere. People who are involved but not envied-present, but imperfect-so the scrutiny pushes them out of the race. People like me...