Saint Anything

You only really fall apart in front of the people you know can piece you back together.

The future was one thing that could never be broken, because it had not yet had the chance to be anything.

I was used to being invisible. People rarely saw me, and if they did, they never looked close. I wasn't shiny and charming like my brother, stunning and graceful like my mother, or smart and dynamic like my friends. That's the thing, though. You always think you want to be noticed. Until you are.

I’d done the right thing. I always did. It just would have been nice if someone had noticed.

It was unrealistic to expect to be constantly in the happiest place. In real life, you're lucky just to be always somewhere nearby.

Just because a person isn't talking about something doesn't mean it's not on their mind. Often, in fact, it's why they won't speak of it.

As I shut the door and started to walk away, I heard him say, "Hey. Sydney." "Yeah?" "You had on a shirt with mushrooms on it, and your hair was pulled back. Silver earrings. Pepperoni slice. No lollipop." I just looked at him, confused. Layla was walking toward us now. "The first time you came into Seaside," he said. "You weren't invisible, not to me. Just so you know.

That’s the thing, though. You always think you want to be noticed. Until you are.

It was a weird kind of loneliness, feeling that some of my closest friends didn’t actually know I existed.

For most of us, once something was busted, it was game over. I would have loved to know how it felt, just once, to have something fall apart and see options instead of endings.

Suddenly, I felt so helpless. If I hated the crowds but also my own company, where did that leave me?

When faced with the scariest of things, all you want to do is turn away, hide in your own invisible place. But you can't. That's why it's not only important for us to be seen, but to have someone to look for us, as well.

You get used to people being a certain way; you depend on it. And when they surprise you, for better or worse, it can shake you to your core.

For all the invisible girls and for my readers, for seeing me

There's no shame in trying to make stuff work, is how I see it. It's better than just accepting the broken.

Nothing had been okay, not for a long time. And every moment that I thought I was getting close, like the one I’d had earlier, seemed to remind the universe that I didn’t deserve that, not yet.

He had a nice smile. Seeing it, I felt like I’d won a prize, because he was so sparing with them.

That was just it. You never knew what lay ahead; the future was one thing that could never be broken, because it had not yet had the chance to be anything. One minute you're walking through a dark woods, alone, and then the landscape shifts, and you see it. Something wondrous and unexpected, almost magical, that you never would have found had you not kept going. Like a new friend who feels like an old one, or a memory you'll never forget. Maybe even a carousel.

I would have loved to know how it felt, just once, to have something fall apart and see options instead of endings.

In every friendship, at some point comes a test. Never before in my experience, however, had it involved food.

Sometimes, fewer choices can be a good thing.

All I want is someone decent.” She sniffled again, her eyes filling with tears. “You know? Kind. Good. Like in all those love stories I’m such an expert on. It can’t just be fiction. It can’t. Those guys are out there, I know it. I just can’t find them.” Those guys were out there. In fact, one was watching us right now, somewhere nearby. Keeping his distance, knowing she needed me to herself right then, but still, just outside the door.

For as long as I could remember, other people had either overshadowed me or left me out in the open, alone. But Mac, as Layla had said all those weeks ago, was always somewhere nearby. He left me enough space to stand alone, but stood at the ready for the moment that I didn’t want to. It was the perfect medium, I was learning. Like he was my saint, the one I’d been waiting for.

Happy, normal lives going on in happy, normal ways, in a works that was anything but. Once you realize this, experienced something that made it crystal clear, you couldn't forget it. Like a face. Or a name. However you learn that truth, once it's with you, it never really goes away.

What you do in your dreams is never your choice. But it made me happy anyway.

Relationships evolve, just like people do. Just because you know someone doesn't mean you know everything about them.

In any moment, there were so many chances for paths to cross and people to clash, come together, or do any number of things in between. It was amazing we could live at all, knowing all that could occur purely by chance. But what was the alternative?

I was in shock. Funny how the world works. You don’t get the something you really covet, but then the universe provides unexpected compensation. Here I thought you had to make a wish for it to come true.

Like no longer having something could be a good thing, and the proof of it as well. I was used to the opposite, when absence equaled heartbreak.

We were there, together, and in the next room I could hear that monitor beeping. Keeping track of another heart’s beat and giving enduring, solid proof of our own.