Kathy Griffin · 348 pages
Rating: (34.3K votes)
“My fear of camping: I’m convinced bugs will crawl up my vagina and lay eggs. Isn’t everyone?”
― Kathy Griffin, quote from Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin
“It always pisses me off when I’m calling in to some Morning Zoo radio show to promote God-only-knows what—probably this book, so get ready, I’m comin’—when the DJ actually tries to convince me that there are as many female comics as male ones. Cue hypermasculine Morning Zoo Hacky McGee voice: “So Kath, I don’t know what you chicks are always complaining about.” To which I respond: “Really? Why don’t you call your local comedy club and ask for the Saturday night lineup? I guarantee you the male to female ratio is going to be about nine to one. You dick-wad.”
― Kathy Griffin, quote from Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin
“At St. Bernardine’s the nuns never liked me. Especially Sister Mary Bitch-and-a-Half. I think that was her biblical name.”
― Kathy Griffin, quote from Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin
“To this day, the behavior of straight men is something I’ve never been able to wrap my head around. Have you ever met one? They’re really weird. Sometimes they want to have sex without A Chorus Line playing in the background. Yuck. How is that even possible?”
― Kathy Griffin, quote from Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin
“Most people new to a city on the ocean would probably go to the beach during the day when there are people around. I, on the other hand, decided to try a midnight swim at the somewhat gamy Santa Monica pier, by myself. That is, until a nearby guard kicked me off the beach for my own safety.”
― Kathy Griffin, quote from Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin
“When my pals in high school were starting to drink, it always looked unappealing to me. I would be at a big party and see one of the popular girls or football players completely wasted and puking and acting a fool, and think to myself, There’s nothing cool about that. I never wanted to be that out of control.”
― Kathy Griffin, quote from Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin
“I was a soccer cheerleader. It doesn’t get nerdier than that. I was fired from the soccer cheerleading squad after one year, which I believe to this day is unprecedented. You have to understand, no one went to the soccer games. In fact, I believe part of my duties as a cheerleader was to bake brownies for the team.”
― Kathy Griffin, quote from Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin
“This one guy Roland was so weird that during sex his voice altered—as if he were a fucking alien—and he started talking like a baby in a bizarre high-pitched voice. He’d start screaming shit like, “I just want to fuck my baby! I’m your baby! Will you be my baby? Baby? Baby?” For one thing, he couldn’t decide whether he was the baby or the daddy. Make up your mind, freak. I had to force myself out from under him and flee the apartment undressed, clutching my clothes.”
― Kathy Griffin, quote from Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin
“I honestly never once heard them fight. They yelled at us kids all the time, but never at each other. My siblings and I joke to this day about how the reason we have trouble in relationships is because we never learned how to fight from our parents.”
― Kathy Griffin, quote from Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin
“One of my recurring D-list moments is when people stop me in the airport and tell me they loved me on SNL. I never know if they think I’m Molly Shannon, Cheri Oteri, or Chris Kattan. I just say “Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed me as Mango.”
― Kathy Griffin, quote from Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin
“My mother’s father was just called “The Governor,” or “Himself.” Which, if you have sixteen kids, probably isn’t as crazy as it sounds.”
― Kathy Griffin, quote from Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin
“Presentation was the name of the Catholic church [my mother's family] attended, and this is what I love about the Irish: My mother became known as the second prettiest girl at Presentation parish. “Why was that okay?” I once asked her. “Oh, because everybody knew Mary Griffin was the most beautiful girl at Presentation,” she replied. My mom was happy to be on the D-list! Just like I’m not trying to be Brooke Shields, she wasn’t trying to be Mary Griffin.”
― Kathy Griffin, quote from Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin
“I was only a few years away from becoming an overnight success.”
― Kathy Griffin, quote from Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin
“We all make our own deals. [...] No one knows what happens in a relationship except the two people who are in it.”
― Kathy Griffin, quote from Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin
“Understand: people judge you by appearances, the image you project through your
actions, words, and style. If you do not take control of this process, then people will see
and define you the way they want to, often to your detriment. You might think that
being consistent with this image will make others respect and trust you, but in fact it is
the opposite—over time you seem predictable and weak. Consistency is an illusion
anyway—each passing day brings changes within you. You must not be afraid to
express these evolutions. The powerful learn early in life that they have the freedom to
mold their image, fitting the needs and moods of the moment. In this way, they keep
others off balance and maintain an air of mystery. You must follow this path and find
great pleasure in reinventing yourself, as if you were the author writing your own
drama”
― 50 Cent, quote from The 50th Law
“Anybody could have seen you. I was just unlucky.' He realised what he'd said and added hurriedly, 'I mean not unlucky to have seen you that way. I mean you're very pretty, beautiful and all that, no spots or anything...' - Henry”
― Herbie Brennan, quote from Faerie Wars
“The Lassans were insatiably inquisitive, and the concept of privacy was almost unknown to them. A Please Do Not Disturb sign was often regarded as a personal challenge, which led to interesting complications...”
― Arthur C. Clarke, quote from The Songs Of Distant Earth
“The real “crisis” in France in fact is not economic (France is in a cyclical slump; it will end) or even cultural (France is in a cyclical slump; it will end) but linguistic. French has diminished as an international language, and this will not end. When people talk about globalization, what they’re really saying is that an English-speaking imperium now stretches from Adelaide to Vancouver, and that anyone who is at home in one bit of it is likely to feel at home in the other bits. You can join this global community by speaking English yourself, but that’s about all. The space between the average Frenchman (or Italian or German) and the average American is just as great as it’s ever been, because language remains in place, and it remains hard. Even after two years of speaking French all the time, I feel it. We breathe in our first language, and swim in our second.”
― Adam Gopnik, quote from Paris to the Moon
“Books were his Achilles heel. She”
― Stephen King, quote from UR
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