How to Kill Your Family

I like to be on my own, and have never understood what weakness exists in people who crave the company of others all the time.

Men who turn their lights full beam on you for a few seconds and leave you chasing that artificial warmth for the rest of your life. It wrecks you and doesn’t leave a mark on them.

Does anyone have a father that doesn’t disappoint in some low-level but ultimately incredibly damaging way?

Men often do that, spreading out their legs on the Tube as though they have an innate need to fill any space that isn't filled, walking down the middle of the narrow pavement and being almost surprised when they career into you, nudging too close in a coffee shop queue as though you'll give way. They don't even notice what they're doing. They are important, their needs are important. You are not as important. You are not important at all. Unless you're attractive to them. Then your space will be occupied in other ways. Men will stand in front of you and block your path to get your attention. They will slow their car down so that you feel uncomfortable as you walk down the street. They will hover over you in bars, touching your arm, grabbing your hand. If you're lucky, it'll just be your hand.

Men often laugh with surprise when they find women funny, as though it’s a skill we’re not expected to possess.

I’ve wondered if God is telling me to get off this road and embrace a different life. But then I remember that I don’t believe in God

Life is so short and we spend so much of it talking to terrible people about the minutiae of their nothing lives. I cannot do it with any enthusiasm.

life is 75 per cent cancelling plans and both parties feeling relieved

How little men promise. How much we grasp at it.

It’s a cliché that money doesn’t buy happiness – tell that to someone struggling on the minimum wage

they look happy despite their ignorance. Perhaps because of it. What is there to worry about? None of these idiots are thinking about climate change, they’re wondering what to wear on the yacht tomorrow.

Kids are self-absorbed and parents are supposed to be invincible. That’s the deal.

We dress for other women. It’s a banal cliché but it’s true.

People so often just want you to hold up a mirror for their own opinions.

I felt something switch off in my brain at that moment, as if I was suddenly on standby, not able to function at full capacity. I later learned that this is called disassociation. When your brain disconnects to protect you from stress or trauma.

How awful it must be to know in your bones that those around you were being picked off one by one and to realise that you must therefore be next. Even worse, it seemed like nobody was listening to him – a terrible thing for a powerful white man to experience.

This was a promise I really had no intention of keeping – modern life is 75 per cent cancelling plans and both parties feeling relieved

Men like women being vulnerable. They like to feel we might need help, despite any surface-level confidence.

Mothers are adept at providing love from all angles, so much so that you often don’t realise you’re missing out on love from other people until much later in life.

His willingness to punish a girl for not immediately embracing a photo of his penis was chilling, and I say that as someone who has killed six people.

Intrusive thoughts which feel like your own, but they aren’t, not really. They’ve muscled their way into your brain and dressed up as your thoughts.

Does anyone have a father that doesn't disappoint in some low level but ultimately incredibly damaging way?

I’ve never been someone who enjoys parties. The amount of small talk involved depletes my energy and makes my whole body tense up. Not because I’m shy, but because it’s so boring it makes me want to die.

Never yearn for the light that some men will shine on you for the briefest of moments. Snuff it out instead.

While the internet is a place to get closer to your heroes, it’s also a place to obsessively hate-watch people you would try your best to avoid in real life. I always told myself that it was valuable research, but engaging with it for so long leaves you feeling demoralised and dirty. It’s like repeatedly picking at a scab and wondering why you end up with an ugly scar.

Thank you for raising our children and running our house and taking care of all the emotional labour, which enabled me to work without distraction. It’s time for something new now but here is 50 per cent of everything we built together.’ No. They lawyer up and try to shaft you, hiding their money offshore, pleading poverty, arguing that you never contributed in any way, protesting that the kids don’t need that much.

Never trust an artificial redhead – their need to be different and interesting marks them out as neither)

Prep work for killing someone is an odd thing. I wish there was an online group where you could share tips and offer up advice to newbies, telling you which gloves are the most practical and weigh in on whether a shove down the stairs is an effective way to take a life. Mumsnet, but for murders.

Did you know that Hillary Clinton practised nostril breathing when she lost the 2016 election to Donald Trump? She relied on wine as well of course, but losing to such an ignoramus required more.

Steak és sült krumpli - soha nem tévednek idegen területre, soha nem csinálnak semmit, ami kicsit is más lenne; kicsinyesek, földhözragadtak. És mindezt egyetlen, a tányérjukra vetett pillantásból állapítottam meg. Képzeljék, miket tudnék mondani a könyvespolcukról! Csak viccelek, ezek nem tartanak otthon könyvet.