Firsts

Virginity is supposed to be something a girl gives up only when she is ready and feels comfortable, something a girl discusses at length with her friends and flip-flops over a million times in her mind before actually doing it. A guy is expected to be born ready. But what I realized after Tommy is that they're not. They're just as scared as their girlfriends, maybe even more so because the onus is on them to be gentle, make it last, make it memorable. And most of them haven't a clue.

I feel fragile, like if somebody looked at me the wrong way I might shatter into a million pieces and never be whole again.

I want to be just fast enough for Zach to have to run to catch up, because if I stay ahead, I won't ever have to see his retreating back.

I smile, bigger than I'm sure I ever have before, and his lips are on mine, and if this isn't the best kind of chemistry, I don't know what is.

I can control what happens in the chemistry lab. There's a formula and an equation, and I know exactly what the reaction will be when I mix one thing with another. Life, not so much. Love, not at all. No matter what elements you combine, you really have no idea what happens next. It's scary not knowing what comes next. But not knowing might also be the best part.

Remember all the times you told me no? All the times you brushed me off when I tried to make you my girlfriend? I stuck around after that. And I'm sticking around now. You can't get rid of me that easily.

I don't know how Angela will react to that, and this is why it's so hard telling the truth. People don't have a standard reaction. People aren't a chemistry experiment you can tinker with until the proportions are just right. People are terrifying that way.

I know that it's better this way, being the one in control. The one in control calls the shots, and the one in control sets the pace. Most important of all, the one in control doesn't get hurt.

I feel like the world just moves too fast for me to keep up.

Always lift your chin up high when you did something wrong. Because you might know you did something wrong, but nobody else has to.

And her smile isn't fake. It's open and loving and I know she probably smiles like that at everybody, but it feels like that smile was meant just for me.

I sound like a monster, like somebody who doesn't care about anyone but myself. Maybe I am.

It was worth it," Faye says after school while she walks me to my car. "It's not fair that you take all the shit for this while the guys get to walk around like nothing happened. They're just as much to blame." "I'm the one who started it," I say, kicking a beer cap across the parking lot with my shoe. "If I hadn't started it, nothing would have happened. "Don't let them off the hook so easily," Faye snaps. "They were coming to you. It takes two to have sex. So don't defend them.

Because you were everything. You weren't one night, one experience I had to record for proof that it happened. You were so much more than that. I didn't write about you because I took it for granted that I would always have you.

I don't want to be the girl he dates senior year and loses interest in when he goes off to college. I want to be just fast enough for Zach to have to run to catch up, because if I stay ahead, I won't ever have to see his retreating back.

Faye closes the inch between us. “Snow angels are vastly overrated,” she says. “And you could never be just a number.” I’m close enough to smell her lip gloss, something fruity and sweet. My heart slams against my ribs. She’s going to kiss me, right here in the bathroom. I was right. I wasn’t making it all up in my head. She likes me. She wants me.

The one in control calls the shots, and the one in control sets the pace. Most important of all, the one in control doesn't get hurt.

It's funny how giving up control can actually end up putting things back in place. But that's what I'm learning, that too much of something ends up yielding the opposite reaction.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

Maybe trust is the brake I'm looking for.

Some people don't need to put a label on relationships.

Baggy pants, baggy eyes --anything baggy is the enemy.

People don't have a standard reaction. People aren't a chemistry experiment you can tinker with until the proportions are just right. People are terrifying that way.

We're all allowed to have one little secret.

The more friends you have, the higher your chance of taking a knife in your back.

Friendship is an undiluted solution, something weakened by adding more to it.

People fail to see the great equalizer, the one thing the band geeks, the drama nerds, the jocks, and the preppies all have in one common. Me-- Mercedes Ayres. The girl who took their virginity.

Fireworks don't just happen. They need to be carefully arranged and then ignited slowly.

Posso controllare ciò che succede nel laboratorio di chimica. C’è una formula e un’equazione e so esattamente quale sarà la reazione quando mescolo una cosa con un’altra. Nella vita, non proprio. In amore, proprio per niente. Non importa quali elementi combini, non hai assolutamente idea di cosa accadrà dopo. Fa paura non sapere cosa accadrà dopo. Ma non sapere potrebbe anche essere la parte migliore

I feel the need to fill the silence, like it's my fault it's even awkward in the first place.