Again, Rachel

That was the great thing about being not-young: knowing through practical experience that feelings, even the worst of them, calm down and eventually ease. They’re probably not gone forever—that was another thing I’d learnt: the notion of ‘closure’ is unrealistic. If I’d felt an emotion once, it stayed on file for-ev-er and could be reactivated if the conditions were right—or, more accurately, wrong.

one thing I’ve learnt is never to underestimate the confidence of the most unremarkable of men.

It might be uncomfortable. But it's an opportunity. An opportunity for what? Personal growth. Internally, I sighed. Wretched personal growth. Always so unpleasant.

My personal brand was, 'In recovery, but still great fun'.

- but forcing you to stop wouldn’t have gotten you clean. You had to be the one who decided. It took me nearly six months to face it, you didn’t love me enough -‘ ‘Of course I loved you!

[…] How often have I told you that is an addict doesn’t lose something, they’ve no incentive to change?’ ‘Right.’ But he didn’t like it. ‘In fact, if - and it’s not going to - but it if I ever relapsed, you couldn’t stay with me.’ ‘But what if I wanted to?’ I laughed. ‘You wouldn’t want to. I wouldn’t be me. And you wouldn’t be helping me, you’d be doing the opposite.’ He shook his head. ‘This is all very tough love. I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit.

I can cope with anything except being lied to. “Protected from the truth” is the worst thing you could do to me. Even if you know you’re going to hurt me, I’d prefer the facts.’ ‘Okay. But –

Remember me when I am gone away…” ’ Oh God, not this poem. Instantly, tears filled my eyes and began to pour down my face. Luke paused. It was a second or two before he continued: ‘ “Gone far away into the silent land.” ’ Another break. ‘When you can no more hold me by the hand—” ’ His voice cracked on the last two words but he pushed on. ‘ “Nor I half turn to go…yet turning stay.” ’ This time the pause went on too long.

Friday morning and Bronte was reading her life story. I had to admit I was very interested. Ireland’s small Anglo-Irish tribe was very different to the rest of us. They tended to be big landowners and have strong ties to England, often sending their kids to boarding school there.