Quotes from Year Zero

“And like most of her peers, Barbara Ann has a French postal worker's sense of divine entitlement when it comes to her hours.”
― Rob Reid, quote from Year Zero

“Now, I’ve never heard a rabid hyena shriek from rectal acid burns. But I’ll bet that sounds a lot like Mllsh-mllsh introducing a guest.”
― Rob Reid, quote from Year Zero

“I used to think that English-speaking who conveniently look, dress, and act human only turned up in lazy science fiction. But as Carly and Frampton dematerialized, I became grimly aware of how well they'd also fit into a psychotic hallucination.”
― Rob Reid, quote from Year Zero

“Clippy got that pervert-on-the-playground look again..”
― Rob Reid, quote from Year Zero

“I have now scoured your Internet, and have identified several ersatz concierges that were created by your own society, and are in current and active use throughout it. I strongly suggest that you allow me to import and implement one of them.” I caught Manda’s eye. She shrugged. “Sure,” I said. “Earth’s most popular ersatz concierge has had hundreds of millions of users—although its usage has declined rather dramatically in recent years. Shall we try that one?” I really, really, really should have asked why the thing was shedding users. Instead I shrugged and said, “Why not?” The dazzling, octodimensional projection instantly transformed into a flat rendering of a paperclip with googly eyes. “That’s an ersatz concierge?” Manda whispered after a shocked silence. “Dear God …” As she said this, the paperclip’s eyes darted cunningly from side to side. Then a cartoon bubble appeared above its head reading, “It looks like you’re writing a letter. Would you like help?” It was Clippy—the despised emcee of Microsoft Office. I knew him well. Because while he had allegedly retired long ago, my firm—like so many others—had clung to the Clippy-infested Windows XP operating system for years beyond its expiration date, staving off the expense and trauma of a Windows upgrade. That process had finally started eighteen months back. But copyright associates are low in the priority queue—and I had been slated to get upgraded “next month” for as long as I could remember. “Okay, go back,” I said. Clippy stared at me impassively. “Stop it. Cut it out. Go back. Use the other interface. Use the gem thing.” As I said this, Clippy’s eyes started darting again as he scribbled on a notepad with an animated pencil. Another cartoon bubble appeared. “It looks like you’re making a list. Should I format it?” I fell into an appalled silence. Then Manda gave it a shot. “We do not want to use this ersatz concierge,” she enunciated clearly. “Please return us to the previous one.” Clippy gazed back with bovine incomprehension. We went on to try every command, plea, and threat that we could think of. But we couldn’t get back to the prior concierge. Luckily, the stereopticon’s projector mode was still working fine (“If you download Windows Media Player, I’m throwing you under a bus,” Manda warned it).”
― Rob Reid, quote from Year Zero

“I looked at Judy as calmly as I could. "Music and movie piracy..." I slipped into a dramatic pause as I desperately tried to come up with some idea, any idea. I scanned the room for inspiration, briefly glimpsed Randy-- I had my answer. "...are terrorism.”
― Rob Reid, quote from Year Zero

“And so, October 13, 1977; 8:29 p.m. EST became the dawning moment of Year Zero to the rest of the universe.”
― Rob Reid, quote from Year Zero

“After listening intently for a few seconds, he turned to me. “North Vietnam?” He shook his head derisively. “Very, very bad.” He listened some more, then denounced Brezhnev.”
― Rob Reid, quote from Year Zero

“A scouting craft soon entered our solar system. It detected several broadcast signals, and routed the strongest one (WABC-TV in New York) to a distant team of anthropologists—who then found themselves watching a first-run episode of the hit sitcom Welcome Back, Kotter (the one in which Arnold Horshack joins a zany youth cult). Before I get into what happened next, I should mention that music is the most cherished of the forty so-called Noble Arts that Refined beings revere and dedicate their lives to. It is indeed viewed as being many times Nobler than the other thirty-nine Arts combined. And remember—their music sucks. The first alien Kotter watchers initially doubted that we had music at all, because everything about the show screamed that we were cultural and aesthetic dunderheads. Primitive sight gags made them groan. Sloppy editing made them chuckle. Wardrobe choices practically made them wretch. And then, it happened. The show ended. The credits rolled, and the theme music began. And suddenly, the brainless brutes that they’d been pitying were beaming out the greatest creative achievement that the wider universe had ever witnessed. Welcome back, Welcome back, Welcome back.”
― Rob Reid, quote from Year Zero

“Proving once again that dumbshits with flashlights can look like gods to geniuses, if the geniuses are from the technological past,”
― Rob Reid, quote from Year Zero

“self-defense—since any society that’s violent and stupid enough to self-destruct on H-bombs might easily destroy the entire universe if it survives long enough to invent something with real firepower.”
― Rob Reid, quote from Year Zero

“music licensing is an arcane thicket of ambiguity, overlapping jurisdictions, and litigation. This”
― Rob Reid, quote from Year Zero

“Because we need to enlist the greatest copyright attorney on Earth. If not … the universe.”
― Rob Reid, quote from Year Zero

“No, we haven’t stopped the spread of pirated music or movies online, nor have we slowed it even slightly. But we do get paid pornographically vast sums for trying our very best.”
― Rob Reid, quote from Year Zero

“Nick,” Judy said. “Just like blacks can use the N-word with impunity, and queers can use the F-word, and orientals can use the A-word, Mitzi and I are within the bounds of decorum when we joke about other women being sluts. But as a man in a phallocentric society, you cross a bright, red line when you do that—particularly in a professional setting. Is that clear?”
― Rob Reid, quote from Year Zero

“He’s had some surprising successes (e.g., Amish vs. Aliens—a maddeningly addictive Facebook game). He’s had some awful flops (e.g., Forever 29—a store for older women who liked to dress like trashy youngsters, and lie about their age). And”
― Rob Reid, quote from Year Zero

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“Schon war der gestreifte, heruntergelassene Schlagbaum zu erkennen, der pilzförmige Unterstand daneben und weiter rechts Stacheldraht, weiße Isolatorenzapfen, vergitterte Wachtürme mit Scheinwerfern. Der Lastwagen hielt an. Alle betrachteten den Grenzer, der mit gekreuzten Beinen, den Karabiner umgehängt, im Unterstand döste. Zwischen seinen Lippen stak eine erloschene Zigarette, und der Boden war mit Zigarettenkippen übersät. Neben dem Schlagbaum ragte ein Pfahl empor mit aufgenagelten Warnschildern: "ACHTUNG! WALD!" " AUSWEISE AUFGESCHLAGEN VORWEISEN!" "KEINE SEUCHEN EINSCHLEPPEN!". Der Fahrer hupte diskret. Der Grenzer öffnete die Augen und starrte trübsinnig vor sich hin. Dann kam er aus dem Unterstand hervor und ging um das Auto herum.
"Ein bißchen viele seid ihr", sagte er heiser. "Holt ihr euer Geld ab?"
"Genau das", sagte der ehemalige Vorsitzende diensteifrig.
"Das lobe ich mir. Recht so", sagte der Grenzer. Er kam um den Lastwagen herum, stellte sich auf das Trittbrett und blickte auf die Ladefläche.
"Mensch, seid ihr viel", sagte er vorwurfsvoll. "Und die Hände? Habt ihr die sauber?"
"Jawoll!", sagten die Mitarbeiter im Chor. Einige zeigten ihre Handflächen.
"Sind sie alle sauber?"
"Jawoll!"
"Gut", sagte der Grenzer und beugte sich mit seinem ganzen Oberkörper ins Fahrerhaus. Von dort ertönte es: "Wer ist der Dienstälteste? Sie? Wieviele fährst du denn? Aha... Lügst du nicht? Wie ist dein Zuname? Kim? Passen Sie auf, Kim, ich schreibe mir deinen Familiennamen auf... Respekt, Woldemar! Du fährst immer noch?... Und ich bewache noch immer die Grenze. Zeig mal die Bestätigung... Na-na, jetzt mach keinen Krach, komm, her damit... In Ordnung... sonst hätte ich dich... Wie kommst du dazu, auf die Bestätigung Telefonnummern zu schreiben? Wart mal... Was für eine Charlotte ist das? Ah ja, ich erinnere mich. Warte, das muß ich mir aufschreiben. Gut, danke. Fahrt los. Ihr könnt fahren."
Er sprang vom Trittbrett, und seine Stiefel wirbelten eine Staubwolke auf. Er ging zum Schlagbaum und ließ sich auf das Gegengewicht fallen. Der Schlagbaum hob sich langsam, die auf ihm aufgehängten Unterhosen fielen in den Staub. Der Lastwagen fuhr an.”
― Arkady Strugatsky, quote from The Snail on the Slope

“This was different: the feeling of being chosen. Out of everybody in the world...this boy had picked him as the one he liked best of all.”
― Elise Broach, quote from Masterpiece

“Patty Flood and her good mood were starting to get on my nerves. Her mood was so good it was almost a physical thing, a monkey on a leash that she let leap all over the furniture, delighting only its owner.”
― Elizabeth McCracken, quote from The Giant's House

“For life is an expression, our unconscious actions the constant betrayal of our innermost thought.”
― Kakuzō Okakura, quote from The Book of Tea

“Only my books anoint me,
and a few friends,
those who reach into my veins.”
― Anne Sexton, quote from The Complete Poems

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