“Fine!" he relented, giving her a dirty look. "But only if you stay in front."
She rolled her eyes. "My, what chivalry."
"To hell with chivalry. Your idea, you die first.”
“Driggs whispered to Lex out of the side of his mouth as they walked, "I never got grounded before you came here."
"You never touched a boob before I came here either."
"Touché." He flashed a goofy grin as Uncle Mort shoved him into his room and slammed the door. "Worth it!”
“You lied to me!"
"You're going to have to be more specific. What did I lie to you about this time?”
“We were just showering," Lex muttered.
"Of course," Uncle Mort said. "Everyone knows how impossible it is to zestfully clean without assistance.”
“Hi, I'm Driggs."
"Damn, boy. You're even cuter up close." Cordy looked him up and down hungrily. "Got any dead brothers in here?"
Lex made a face. "Cordy, ew."
"Doesn't hurt to ask!" She peered at Driggs. "Now tell me, what are your intentions with my sister?"
Driggs became flustered. "Um, I don't know. To love her...and, uh...honor...protect..."
Lex went red. "Driggs, shut up."
"Awkward." Cordy beamed. "Love it."
"We have to go," Driggs said in an unnecessarily loud voice.”
“Yeah, well, love doesn't always beat out the fear."
"Sometimes it does," he replied with a smile, pecking her on the nose.
"Christ, Driggs. You're turning into a Lifetime movie."
"Your defense mechanisms are captivating, as always.”
“Where did you hear that?" he shouted over Driggs' cries of pain from the back seat.
"Driggs told me," she quickly answered.
"Thanks, pumpkin," Driggs groaned. "Love you too.”
“Driggs, wake up." she shook him. "Driggs!"
"Whaaat?" he groaned, squinting. "Why again? With the shaking?"
She held up the scrap. "I just found this in your pants."
Driggs raised an eyebrow. "What were you doing in my pants?"
She smacked him. "Focus! Read what it says.”
“They had completely failed to notice Norwood and Heloise storming out of the house, Uncle Mort scaling the ladder, and the fact he was now staring at them and had been for several minutes.
"Good grief," he said. "As if I didn't have enough to worry about."
Lex and Driggs jumped apart and wiped spittle from their mouths. "What's up?" Driggs said in a terrible attempt at nonchalance.
"Hormone levels obviously.”
“Ferbus stared in wonder. "He's like a bag of microwave popcorn."
Driggs finally spoke, his voice equally amazed. "But popcorn tends to stop popping after a couple of minutes. He's...still going.”
“And you're going to help me find it."
"Oh, really?" he replied with a wry grin. "Why's that?"
"Because you promised to love me," she said in a dopey voice. "And, uh...honor me...and protect..."
He snickered. "Shut up, spaz.”
“And I got myself a camel," Cordy finished with a smile.
Lex stared at her. "Why?"
"Duh, Lex, because I can .”
“Who knows why you kids do any of the crap you do?"
"And who knows why you guys are such assholes?" Lex countered, taking a sip of her soda. "Life is just full of little mysteries, isn't it?”
“Well, remember, active Grims can't have children. Fertility is adversley affected by the proximity to the ether, to Elixir, and all sorts of other components-- plus, the Grimsphere is no place to raise a family, even if woman conceive here."
Lex snuck a glance at Driggs, but Uncle Mort caught her.
"That doesn't mean you get a free pass to ride the baloney pony when ever you want to. Got it?”
“And speaking of Terms, we need to set a few ground rules here with...this," he said, clearing his throat and gesturing at the two of them.
"With what?" Lex said.
"That," Uncle Mort replied, pointing to a suspicious-looking mark on her neck.
Lex's hand flew to her throat while Driggs shifted, uneasy.
"Why?" he asked.
"Don't 'why?' me, Romeo. You know I trust you, but Lex is still my niece. In the absence of her father, it's up to me to do everything in my power to complicate and interfere with her budding love life."
Lex frowned. "Hey-”
“So here's the deal: You will sleep in separate bedrooms. You will leave your doors open at all times. You will keep the public displays of affection to a minimum. You will attempt to dismantle any of my surveillance equipment, which, I remind you, covers nearly every room of this house. And if I hear any article of clothing being unzipped, unstrapped, unhooked, or unbuckled, you will lose the body part that it corresponds to. Understand?"
Lex and Driggs looked at each other, then nodded, defeated.”
“What colour was her scythe?"
"Sadly, I wasn't able to take the time to appreciate its subtle hues as it tore through my skin.”
“Hang on," Driggs said as Lex pulled out Bone's note. "She might be right."
Lex gave him a look. "You don't have to sound so shocked about it."
"But it happens so rarely. Like an eclipse.”
“Um, sweetums?" Driggs piped up.
Lex blew a sweaty clump of hair off her forehead. "What did you just call me?"
He sank further under her glower. "I just - ow !”
“Next thing Driggs knew, Lex was rummaging around in the closet. 'Are you looking for your sanity?' he called after her. 'Because I do believe it showed itself out a while ago.”
“you've been back here in my presence for two agonizing hours now, and if we don't properly make out soon, I'm going to hurl myself off the roof.”
“Uncle Mort pounded on the ceiling of the basement.
"I sense affection!" he yelled. "Knock it off, you two!"
Scowling at the camera, Lex retreated to the other end of the couch while Driggs pulled his shirt back down and gave her a disappointed look.
"Next time Crash us to a hotel room, okay?" he grumbled.”
“Five minutes later she had rearranged them into several words, none of which made any sense.
"Nosy tennis?" she said. "No, wait. Sticky cabin? Shitty chicken?"
Driggs frowned. "Wait-"
"Shitty chicken? Really, Driggs?"
"No, no. Cabin.”
“I was a teenage boy once too, you know," Uncle Mort said, popping back up. "I know what your brain looks like. It's a three-ring circus in there.”
“No, I mean the key," he said. "It's made of bone."
Lex raised an eyebrow. "As in ivory?"
"As in human."
She let out a shriek and dropped it.
"Sweet dreams," he said with a smirk, closing the door.”
“Do something!" Norwood told him.
"Do what?" Uncle Mort's face was furious. "Fly up there and get it? You bring your broomstick, Hel?”
“Lex studied her. "Wait a sec. You're happy here?"
The expression on Cordy's face confirmed this. "Not gonna lie, Lex. It's pretty bitchin'."
"So I've been worried sick about you this whole time, picturing you miserable and wrecked and plotting my excruciating demise, and you're telling me this has all been a summer cruise?"
"Yeah. Sorry.”
“And as much as I'd love to continue exploring the existential implications of Damning roadkill, the truth is" - he plunged his hands into his hair until it stuck up even more than usual - "you've been back here in my presence for two agonising hours now, and if we don't properly make out soon, I'm going to hurl myself off the roof."
Lex blinked.
Then Driggs smushed his lips to hers so quickly that she had to grab the gutter to keep from falling.”
“At least yours talks," Elysia said, irritably shoving a fry into her mouth. "Mine just stares. Like a cow.”
“It can play solitaire and minesweeper,” replied Artemis innocently.”
“The mace prodded
Will in the back again. That little habit was starting to annoy him and he was tempted to take the weapon from the sergeant major and do a little prodding of his own.”
“He couldn’t overlook the fact that she was an intruder, no matter how vulnerable and adorable she looked...”
“Did the men steal the papers?" Reynie asked, fearing her response.
No, because they are fools," Sophie said bitterly. "They demanded to see the papers, and when I did not answer fast enough -- they were very frightening, you see -- they hurt me so that I was not awake. . . . When I opened my eyes they were still trying to find the papers. They did not understand how we organize the library, you see. They were angry and creating a bad mess. . . . The police were coming and the men decided they must leave. I shouted at them as they left: 'It is a free and public library! All you had to do was ask!”
“I gave you the best of me.”
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