Please Ignore Vera Dietz

I'm sorry, but I don't get it. If we're supposed to ignore everything that's wrong with our lives, then I can't see how we'll ever make things right.

Isn't it funny how we live inside the lies we believe?

Today I am in control because I want to be. I have my fingers on the switch, but have lived a lifetime ignoring the control I have over my own world. Today is different.

Because with Charlie, nothing was ever easy. Everything was windswept and octagonal and finger-combed. Everything was difficult and odd, and the theme songs all had minor chords.

I knew not to give the best of myself to the worst of people.

I felt a mix of wanting to kill him and wanting to kiss him at the same time. When I thought of what true love must be like, I figured it must be like this, and not the stupid eighth grade infatuation most girls my age felt. True love includes an equal part of good and bad, but true sticks around and doesn't run off to Vegas with a podiatrist.

I wish we could go back in time and climb trees together again. I love you, Vera. I always will.

I'd rather feel something for real than pretend it's not what it is.

It seems the older people get, the more shit they ignore. Or, like Dad, they pay attention to stuff that distracts them from the more important things that they’re ignoring.

I was also built from delusional optimism and folly.

I miss him so much, but it's confusing, because I missed him long before he was dead, and that's the bitch of it all. I missed him long before he was dead.

Is it okay to hate a dead kid? Even if you loved him once? Even if he was my best friend? Is it okay to hate him for being dead?

I want to tell her that the only thing you get from walling yourself in is empty.

I mean, I ignore plenty of stuff, like school spirit days and the dirty looks I get from the Detentionheads while I try to slink through the halls unnoticed. But there's something about telling other people what to ignore that just doesn't work for me. Especially things we shouldn't be ignoring. Hear that girl in your class is being abused by her stepfather and had to go to the clinic? Hear she's bringing her mother's pills to school and selling them to pay for it? Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Mind your own business. Don't make waves. Fly under the radar. It's just one of those things, Vera. I'm sorry, but I don't get it. If we're supposed to ignore everything that's wrong in our lives, then I can't see how we'll ever make things right.

You'll never lose me, Vera. I'm the Great Hunter now.

The thing you don't see while you're still there on Earth is how easy it is to change your mind. When you're in it and you're mixed up with feelings, assumptions, influences, and misconceptions, things seem completely impossible to change. From here, you see that change is as easy as flicking a light switch in your brain.

I'd rather feel something for real than pretend it's not what it is. Which Zen guy said "If you want to drown, do not torture yourself with shallow water"?

Look at that, Vera.” I tilt my head back and see a sky full of stars. “Can you tell which one is me?” he asks. I point to the brightest one.

DAD: Why didn't you say this when it happened? ME: It's complicated. Don't they know that regret begets regret begets regret? DR. B: Vera, you need to answer the question. ME: Because I loved Charlie too much. DAD: Loved him? DR. B: Is that all? ME: Because I hated Charlie too much.

Hey - the whole freaking world was built from delusional optimism and folly. What makes you so special? We're all just making it up as we go along. No one really knows what they're doing. Anyone who tells you otherwise is talking out of their butt.

What Vera doesn’t know is: I’d kill to be a pickle on her Big Mac—ground to relish between her perfect white teeth. I’d kill to be a bug she squishes with her holey Army-issue combat boot. But she’s too good for me. She always was.

...I guess when you believe the word of a complete liar, logic doesn't come into it.

Do you think we'll get married one day?" I said. "To each other?" Charlie asked. "No, silly. I mean to other people." (But really, I'd meant to each other.)

She wore too much eyeliner then, at age thirteen, and now, at eighteen, she wears so much black under her eyes, she looks like a slutty linebacker raccoon.

It also makes my father right again. How will I ever soar with the eagles if I'm surrounded by turkeys?

Don't judge. I'm not getting drunk. I'm coping.

True love includes equal parts good and bad, but true loves sticks around and doesn't run off to Vegas with a podiatrist.

Charlie turned to me. "Want some?" I said, "Nah." What I meant was: Who are you?

But they keep saving me because they know I stand for something. They're just not sure what yet. -The Pagoda

I never asked her how she was, because I didn't really think about how she was. I just thought about what she thought of me.