The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them

Humility means accepting reality with no attempt to outsmart it.

Our tears are precious, necessary, and part of what make us such endearing creatures.

once we understand that what happens beyond our control may be just what we need, we see that acceptance of reality can be our way of participating in our own evolution.

There are five unavoidable givens, five immutable facts that come to visit all of us many times over: Everything changes and ends. Things do not always go according to plan. Life is not always fair. Pain is part of life. People are not loving and loyal all the time. These are the core challenges that we all face. But too often we live in denial of these facts. We behave as if somehow these givens aren’t always in effect, or not applicable to all of us. But when we oppose these five basic truths we resist reality, and life then becomes an endless series of disappointments, frustrations, and sorrows. In

The biggest mistake we humans make is to become attached to someone’s being a certain way and then to think that will never change.

May those whose hell it is To hate and hurt Be turned into lovers Bringing flowers.

an unconditional yes to whatever is, was, or will be.

To say yes to reality is to host eternity.

Retaliation does not balance things, since it harms the soul of the retaliator and creates a more severe imbalance. Socrates noticed this peril and wrote: “It is better to suffer an injustice than to commit one.” This is because the body and mind are damaged by injustice from others, but it is our own soul that is damaged by revenge. A spiritually evolved adult is not cutthroat and does not believe that all is fair in love and war. He does not claw his way to the top but acts kindly at any rung of the ladder. He has personal ambition but not at the expense of others. This is an example of a moral standard becoming more important than success in the material world. The joy of a good conscience is the highest value for those who want to grow spiritually. With spiritual practice, our attitude toward an aggressor becomes compassion for the suffering dimension in his aggression. This response also serves to quiet him down.

For all that has been: Thanks! For all that shall be: Yes! —DAG HAMMARSKJÖLD, Markings

The unconditional yes, with its implicit trust of the givens’ usefulness to our growth, cuts through that fear-based view of life. Saying yes to reality—to the things we cannot change—is like choosing to turn around and sit in the saddle in the direction the horse is going.

When faced with one of life’s givens, we might ask: “Why did such a terrible thing happen to a good person like me? I deserve better.” The mindful version of that question is: “Yes this happened. Now what?” We will notice we are happier when we accept what we do not like about life as a given of life. Our mindful yes is an entry into this sheltering paradox. When

THE FIRST GIVEN of life is that changes and endings are inevitable for any person, relationship, enthusiasm, or thing. Nothing is perfect, permanently satisfying, or permanently anything. Everything falls apart in time. Every beginning leads to a finale. Built into all experiences, persons, places, and things is a life span. Our relationships pass through phases, from romance through struggle to commitment. Then they end with death or separation.

This is the true joy in life: being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one, being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap, being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish, little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. —GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

Each of the givens or conditions of existence evokes a question about our destiny. Are we here to get our way or to dance with the flow of life? Are we here to make sure everything goes according to our plans or to trust the surprises and synchronicities that lead us to new vistas? Are we here to make sure we get a fair deal or are we here to be upright and loving? Are we here to avoid pain or to deal with it, grow from it, and learn to be compassionate through it? Are we here to be loyally loved by everyone or to love with all our might? The

anything that crosses swords with our entitled ego is a powerful source of transformation and inner evolution.

we cannot tolerate them, we add stress to our lives by fighting a losing game.

Yes is the brave ally of serenity; no is the scared accomplice of anxiety.

Each given of life comes to us trailing many graces.

Our attractions and repulsions to people, places, and things seem to flow over a bell-shaped curve. We notice three phases in the curve: rising, cresting, falling. We hear a song and get to love it (rising interest), so we buy the CD and listen to it constantly (cresting enjoyment). Then we listen less frequently (falling off of interest), and finally, what was the best song we ever heard is rarely listened to again. Its appeal went over the hill of the bell curve. This same bell curve happens with repulsions, as the story of Beauty and the Beast depicts. At first Beauty felt disgust, but later she felt love. Since it is a fairy tale, the positive high crest remains: “happily ever after.” Demanding that the high crest of any experience be permanent is living in a fairy tale. Another

The plan of nature is a model for us who are learning the word yes. Nature allows changes and flows with them. Nature is patient and nonretaliatory. Nature is fully respectful of interconnections. Nature honors the light and the dark. Ecologist