That Summer Feeling

And that’s the whole problem. I’m so afraid to be right or wrong with all my choices that I don’t end up making any. I don’t even have a real career. I’ve never let myself pick, just in case I chose something that wasn’t optimal. So I’ve cobbled together a life of side jobs, always waiting for the big event to arrive.” I threw my arms up. “There is no big event! And I’m finally learning how to put myself out into the world without being so worried about how I’ll be received.

Everything about my life felt like a placeholder: where I lived, what I wore, how I moved through the world.

Messy was good. Messy could stay. And romance could stay. I could have my big heart and my dramatic ideas. I could dress like a kid and still be an adult. I could be young in my heart no matter my age.

You’re always looking out for everyone like that. Trying to make sure no one’s day is ruined except your own.

Sharing a meal with people was one of life's simplest pleasures. In the right company, breaking bread together, walking through the mundanities in our lives felt revelatory. Our simple chatter held so much space for me.

More than anything, I appreciated the level of gravity Stevie lent the moment. It was fun to take silly things seriously. We were adults at a summer camp, after all.

At that, the band started playing “Hoedown Throwdown” from Hannah Montana: The Movie. “This is what you requested over and over?” Stevie asked me.

As we prepare to eat our last dinner, I ask that all my friends and found family here find the nourishment they need, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I ask that their time at camp conclude in a fulfilling way that helps everyone see how loved and protected they are. No matter where life takes them, they are always safe here in the mountains with us. The memory of this place is a shield from harm and a balm to the soul. Cheers.

That's who I was to my core---a person who believed in magic. Who found secrets tucked into the fabric of the universe. Who wished on shooting stars and took leaps of faith based on nothing but feelings.

Signs didn't just exist to tell me where to go. Sometimes signs reminded me of what I needed to avoid.

Ethan sat besides me, watching as he always did. An observer of life not unlike my sister. A lot of the time, I'd felt it was up to me to be the one who shimmered enough for the both of us. And I didn't want that anymore. I wanted a teammate.

I'd always known to my parents, love meant suffering. It meant enduring everything, no matter how bad. Only something publicly shameful was worth splitting up over. Even then, a case could be made for 'forgiveness.

Like I cried to make him feel worse, when in reality, my tear ducts operated separately from the rest of me. They just turned on, faulty faucets in my eyeballs incapable of being repaired.