Quotes from Sh*t My Dad Says

“You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“On Lego's

"Listen, I don't want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks a pile of shit.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“I don't give a shit how it happened, the window is broken... Wait, why is there syrup everywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened, Let's hear it.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“Don't touch that knife. YOU never need to be holding a knife... I don't give a shit, learn how to butter stuff with a spoon”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“You're ten years old now, you have to take a shower every day...I don't give a shit if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don't know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she's a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don't ignore what you hear.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“Do people your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry..”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“There seem to be a lot of gay people there...Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“On Asking to Have the Candy Passed to Me During Schindler’s List “What do you want — the candy? They’re throwing people in the fucking gas chamber, and you want a Skittles?”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“You say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“My mind was quickly consumed with thoughts of my girlfriend and all the good times we had had, like one of those cheesy montages ni eighties movies, when the angsty protagonist envisions himself and his ex holding hands on the beach, feeding a small puppy, getting into some kind of zany wrestling match with whipped cream. I interrupted my cliché memories by saying aloud: "Ugh, I'm feeling pretty low about this whole thing."

"You just gotta try to put it out of your head," he said, folding the paper halfway down to look at me.

"I know, it's just hard. I mean, I still have stuff at her place. What am I going to do about that? I still have a TV...," I said.

"Fuck the TV. Leave the TV. Cut your ties."

"It's a fifteen-hundred-dollar TV," I insisted.

"Go get that fucking TV.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“On Sharing
“I’m sorry, but if your brother doesn’t want you to play with his shit, then you can’t play with it. It’s his shit. If he wants to be an asshole and not share, then that’s his right. You always have the right to be an asshole—you just shouldn’t use that right very often.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving this shit.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate

“Son, you're complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It's one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“On Accidentally Eating Dog Treats
“Snausages? I’ve been eating dog treats? Why the fuck would you put them on the counter where the rest of the food is? Fuck it, they’re delicious. I will not be shamed by this.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

“If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says

About the author

Popular quotes

“Each new thing he encountered in life impelled him in a direction that fully convinced him of its rightness, but then the next new thing loomed up and impelled him in the opposite direction, which also felt right. There was no controlling narrative: he seemed to himself a purely reactive pinball in a game whose only object was to stay alive for staying alive's sake.”
― Jonathan Franzen, quote from Freedom

“The date was October 27, 1915. The name of the ship was Endurance. The position was 69°5´ South, 51°30´ West—deep in the icy wasteland of the Antarctic’s treacherous Weddell Sea, just about midway between the South Pole and the nearest known outpost of humanity, some 1,200 miles away. Few men have borne the responsibility Shackleton did at that moment. Though he certainly was aware that their situation was desperate, he could not possibly have imagined then the physical and emotional demands that ultimately would be placed upon them, the rigors they would have to endure, the sufferings to which they would be subjected. They were for all practical purposes alone in the frozen Antarctic seas. It had been very nearly a year since they had last been in contact with civilization. Nobody in the outside world knew they were in trouble, much less where they were. They had no radio transmitter with which to notify any would-be rescuers, and it is doubtful that any rescuers could have reached them even if they had been able to broadcast an SOS. It was 1915, and there were no helicopters, no Weasels, no Sno-Cats, no suitable planes. Thus their plight was naked and terrifying in its simplicity. If they were to get out—they had to get themselves out. Shackleton”
― quote from Endurance: Shackleton's Incredible Voyage

“Nothing but this: I did not do it. Yet now I wish I had.” He turned to face the hall, that sea of pale faces. “I wish I had enough poison for you all. You make me sorry that I am not the monster you would have me be, yet there it is. I am innocent, but I will get no justice here. You leave me no choice but to appeal to the gods. I demand trial by battle.”
― George R.R. Martin, quote from A Storm of Swords: Blood and Gold

“There has never been a military in the entire history of the human race that has gone to war equipped with more than the least that it needs to fight its enemy. War is expensive. It costs money and it costs lives and no civilization has an infinite amount of either. So when you fight, you conserve. You use and equip only as much as you have to, never more.”
― John Scalzi, quote from Old Man's War

“She had borne so long this cruelty of belonging to him and not being claimed by him.”
― D.H. Lawrence, quote from Sons and Lovers

Interesting books

About BookQuoters

BookQuoters is a community of passionate readers who enjoy sharing the most meaningful, memorable and interesting quotes from great books. As the world communicates more and more via texts, memes and sound bytes, short but profound quotes from books have become more relevant and important. For some of us a quote becomes a mantra, a goal or a philosophy by which we live. For all of us, quotes are a great way to remember a book and to carry with us the author’s best ideas.

We thoughtfully gather quotes from our favorite books, both classic and current, and choose the ones that are most thought-provoking. Each quote represents a book that is interesting, well written and has potential to enhance the reader’s life. We also accept submissions from our visitors and will select the quotes we feel are most appealing to the BookQuoters community.

Founded in 2023, BookQuoters has quickly become a large and vibrant community of people who share an affinity for books. Books are seen by some as a throwback to a previous world; conversely, gleaning the main ideas of a book via a quote or a quick summary is typical of the Information Age but is a habit disdained by some diehard readers. We feel that we have the best of both worlds at BookQuoters; we read books cover-to-cover but offer you some of the highlights. We hope you’ll join us.