Quotes from Sh*t My Dad Says

Justin Halpern ·  159 pages

Rating: (123.1K votes)


“You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“On Lego's

"Listen, I don't want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks a pile of shit.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“I don't give a shit how it happened, the window is broken... Wait, why is there syrup everywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened, Let's hear it.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says



“If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“Don't touch that knife. YOU never need to be holding a knife... I don't give a shit, learn how to butter stuff with a spoon”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“You're ten years old now, you have to take a shower every day...I don't give a shit if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says



“Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don't know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she's a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don't ignore what you hear.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“Do people your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says



“No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry..”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“There seem to be a lot of gay people there...Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“On Asking to Have the Candy Passed to Me During Schindler’s List “What do you want — the candy? They’re throwing people in the fucking gas chamber, and you want a Skittles?”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says



“You say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“My mind was quickly consumed with thoughts of my girlfriend and all the good times we had had, like one of those cheesy montages ni eighties movies, when the angsty protagonist envisions himself and his ex holding hands on the beach, feeding a small puppy, getting into some kind of zany wrestling match with whipped cream. I interrupted my cliché memories by saying aloud: "Ugh, I'm feeling pretty low about this whole thing."

"You just gotta try to put it out of your head," he said, folding the paper halfway down to look at me.

"I know, it's just hard. I mean, I still have stuff at her place. What am I going to do about that? I still have a TV...," I said.

"Fuck the TV. Leave the TV. Cut your ties."

"It's a fifteen-hundred-dollar TV," I insisted.

"Go get that fucking TV.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“On Sharing
“I’m sorry, but if your brother doesn’t want you to play with his shit, then you can’t play with it. It’s his shit. If he wants to be an asshole and not share, then that’s his right. You always have the right to be an asshole—you just shouldn’t use that right very often.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving this shit.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says



“On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate

“Son, you're complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It's one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“On Accidentally Eating Dog Treats
“Snausages? I’ve been eating dog treats? Why the fuck would you put them on the counter where the rest of the food is? Fuck it, they’re delicious. I will not be shamed by this.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


“If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.”
― Justin Halpern, quote from Sh*t My Dad Says


About the author

Justin Halpern
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