Promise Me Sunshine

Grief is a relationship...It's the way we figure out how to keep loving them even though they're gone. And in order to do that we have to keep on going. And going and going.' His hold is tighter and tighter and mine is tighter and tighter and I've slid off the desk and into his lap. 'You are not betraying her by healing,' he whispers directly into my ear. 'You are honoring her. You are learning to love her exactly as she is. As someone who isn't here anymore...That's who she is now. And this journey through grief...It's what we do for the great loves of our lives.

Just remember. Something good for you, something bad for you, and a change of scenery. That’s the winning formula.

He treats you well?” “Mom, he walked into hell and dragged me back out.

It’s closed-minded to have opinions on something you’ve never experienced,

I didn't even know, until this second, that I've been protecting this untenable pain, because it's all I have left of her.

Lenny, when I look at your face, I feel like I’m finally home after a really long day at work.

And this journey through grief... It's what we do for the great loves of our lives.

There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re getting used to a new reality. You don’t know how to live right now. It’ll all come back. You’ll take care of yourself again someday.

But the thing about losing the person you love the most on earth is—somehow—you still have to do mundane things like tie your shoes and make enough money to continue to exist in this punishing world.

Consider it like you just had a heart transplant. When Lou died, your entire heart went with her. But you have to live, right? So now you’ve got this new heart. And you’re getting used to it. No one would expect you to run up a hill right after a heart transplant. Go slow. Go easy on yourself.

I’m never sleeping when I close my eyes like this with you.” “Then what are you doing?” He pauses and I think he might not answer. But then he says, “I’m committing the moment to memory.

But what am I supposed to do, wear a sign? Not strung out, just having a debilitating mental health crisis while navigating the most excruciating chapter of my life.

Part of taking care of the people you love is taking care of yourself, right?

I think that even in all your worst moments of grief, you've wished for companionship. I think you're always, secretly, hoping for happy endings, even when they don't seem possible. You say compulsive but I think they're actually kind of just... tenacious. Like daisies popping up out of the snow. Grief has been sort of, I don't know, it sounds sappy, but like winter for you. And I think that the part of you that can't help but manufacture happiness, because that's who you are, it's been sending up these little flowers to pop up and keep you company.

Well, I can’t promise the sunshine. But I can do everything else.

So I took it second by second. Sometime soon you'll be getting from minute to minute and then day by day. And so on. But.. the point isn't trying to get where you're not. The point is just.. enduring. What an awful word. Like a curse. Next time I want to say fuck you to somebody I'll just should endure it instead.

So you’ll come with me if I ask?” His eyes pierce me in the shadows of the kitchen. “Lenny, I’ll do anything you ask me to.

This is a love story, I swear. This is what happens when you’ve promised someone you’ll live again.

I want something that feels...natural, even if it's not always sexy. Because relationships change so much while you're in them. And so do the people. Even if you start out wanting one thing, a few years down the road you might want something completely different.

Lenny, the stakes are low with you because you're the most loyal person I've ever met. You're fully on my team. Now that you're here, I think there's very little I could do to kick you out . . . I don't have to worry about losing you. I can just . . . relax.

Every time I fall in love with you there’s lightning.

Grief is a relationship... it's the way we figure out how to keep loving them even though they're gone. And in order to do that we have to keep going. And going and going.

They're not lonely. There's two of them. When a wolf is howling at the moon, it's not actually because it's lonely. It's sort of a location technique, for when members of the pack get separated and they need to find one another. The first one saying, I'm here! I'm here! And then the other one says, Me too! Me too!

Grief...it's not like any other emotion. It is utterly discombobulating. Among many other things.

I mean…this is the woman who used to ask me what I’d had for lunch that day because she was genuinely curious. She loved knowing the details of my life. Every little boring nothing, she wanted to know. And now…literally every aspect of my life is different and I can’t tell her.

Time heals all wounds, they say. Well, I can picture myself in ten years. It’s crystal clear. I’m still sitting on this curb, utterly disoriented that I’m the one still alive and she’s still gone.

Believe it or not, it gets easier to talk about after a while. A long while. But I’ve been there, Lenny. Right where you are. Where you lose control of your life and nothing makes sense anymore. When you can’t remember how basic things function. Like when to eat or shower. Grief…it’s not like any other emotion. It is utterly discombobulating. Among many other things.

You are not betraying her by healing,” he whispers directly into my ear. “You are honoring her. You are learning to love her exactly as she is. As someone who isn’t here anymore…That’s who she is now. And this journey through grief…It’s what we do for the great loves of our lives.

They’re not lonely.” He gestures between our two bandages. “There’s two of them.” My throat instantly clogs up and I sniffle. I’ve cried from grief so much over the last few months that it’s disorienting and startling to cry happy tears.

Hey, Lou. Miles says when you left, you took my heart with you. He says it was like a heart transplant. Only... I don't know what this new heart is supposed to be living for.