Play It as It Lays

What makes Iago evil? Some people ask. I never ask.

One thing in my defense, not that it matters: I know something Carter never knew, or Helene, or maybe you. I know what "nothing" means, and keep on playing.

I know what "nothing" means, and keep on playing.

By the end of the week she was thinking constantly about where her body stopped and the air began about the exact point in space and time that was the difference between Maria and other.

There was silence. Something real was happening: this was, as it were, her life. If she could keep that in mind she would be able to play it through, do the right thing, whatever that meant.

Everything goes. I am working very hard at not thinking about how everything goes.

After that he would leave for a while, breaking things as he went, slamming doors to kick them open, picking up decanters to hurl at mirrors, detouring by way of chairs to smash them against the floor. Always when he came back he would sleep in their room, shutting the door against her. Rigid with self-pity she would lie in another room, wishing for the will to leave. Each believed the other a murderer of time, a destroyer of life itself.

The notion of general devastation had for Maria a certain sedative effect (the rattlesnake in the playpen, that was different, that was particular, that was punitive), suggested an instant in which all anxieties would be abruptly gratified, and between the earthquake prophecy and the marijuana and the cheerful detachment of the woman whose house was in the Tajunga Wash, she felt a kind of resigned tranquility.

Tell me what matters," BZ said. Nothing," Maria said.

I am what I am. To look for reasons is beside the point.

You talk crazy any more and I'll leave. Leave. For Christ's sake leave. She would not take her eyes from the dry wash. All right. Don't, he would say then. Don't. Why do you say those things. Why do you fight. He would sit on the bed and put his head in his hands. To find out if you're alive.

It had seemed a funny story as she told it, both that morning by the waterfall and later at dinner, when she repeated it to the photographer and the agency man and the fashion coordinator for the client. Maria tried now to put what happened in Encino into the same spirited perspective, but Ceci Delano's situation seemed not to apply. In the end it was just a New York story.

He would say something and she would say something and before either of them knew it they would be playing out a dialogue so familiar that it drained the imagination, blocked the will, allowed them to drop words and whole sentences and still arrive at the cold conclusion.

One thing in my defense, not that it matters: I know something Carter never knew, or Helene, or maybe you. I know what “nothing” means, and keep on playing. Why, BZ would say. Why not, I say.

In was raised to believe that what came in on the next roll would always be better than what went out on the last. I no longer believe that, but I am telling you how it was.

I am not much engaged by the problems of what you might call our day but I am burdened by the particular, the mad person who writes me a letter. It is no longer necessary for them even to write me. I know when someone is thinking of me. I learn to deal with this.

They mentioned everything but one thing: that she had left the point in a bedroom in Encino.

MARIA MADE A LIST of things she would never do. She would never: walk through the Sands or Caesar’s alone after midnight. She would never: ball at a party, do S-M unless she wanted to, borrow furs from Abe Lipsey, deal. She would never: carry a Yorkshire in Beverly Hills.

Carter and Helene still ask questions. I used to ask questions, and I got the answer: nothing. The answer is “nothing.

I am what I am. To look for ‘reasons’ is beside the point.

NOTHING APPLIES, I print with the magnetized IBM pencil. What does apply, they ask later, as if the word "nothing" were ambiguous, open to interpretation, a questionable fragment of an Icelandic rune.

Try to think about having enough left to break a bottle over it.

Always when I play back my father’s voice,” Maria says, “it is with a professional rasp, it goes as it lays, don’t do it the hard way. My father advised me that life itself was a crap game: it was one of two lessons I learned as a child. The other was that overturning a rock was apt to reveal a rattlesnake. As lessons go those two seem to hold up, but not to apply.

Cos’è che rende malvagio Jago? Si chiede certa gente. Io non me lo chiedo mai. Altro esempio, un esempio che viene in mente perché la signora Burstein stamattina ha visto un serpentello a sonagli tra i carciofi dell’orto e d’allora in poi è stata intrattabile: io non faccio mai domande sui serpenti. Perché il profumo Shalimar dovrebbe attrarre i crotali. Perché una serpe corallo dovrebbe aver bisogno di due ghiandole di veleno neurotossico per sopravvivere, mentre una serpe reale, che le somiglia in modo impressionante, non ne ha assolutamente bisogno. Dov’è andata a finire la logica darwiniana, in questo caso. Si potrebbe chiederselo. Io non me lo chiederei mai, né mi chiederei altro. Ricordo un episodio riportato non molto tempo fa nel Herald Examiner di Los Angeles: due sposini in luna di miele, originari di Detroit, trovati morti nel loro furgone Ford nei pressi di Boca Raton, un serpente corallo ancora arrotolato nella termocoperta. Perché? A meno che non si sia disposti a guardare le cose in una prospettiva più ampia, non ci sono «risposte» soddisfacenti a domande del genere. Ecco. Io sono quel che sono. La ricerca delle «ragioni» non mi riguarda.