Nice Girls Don't Live Forever

I've never understood why people pick Noah's ark for a nursery theme anyway." Andrea said breezily... Really", I snorted. "I mean, who wants reminders of a natural disaster, literally of biblical portions, on their baby's walls? What are you supposed to say, 'Oh, drowning sinners, isn't that precious?

Not to be rude, but it was all pointless," I noted from across the room. Four eyes narrowed at me. "What? I said 'not to be rude'. That's like saying 'God bless them' right after you say bad things about someone. It means it doesn't count!

The two of them shared a look over my head. Gabriel made several threatening faces. Dick responded with rude gestures. Eventually, they looked like two inebriated mimes having a dance off.

The best way to get over a messy break-up is to spend time with a supportive group of friends. The best way to chase off a supportive group of friends is to talk constantly about your messy break-up.

I wonder if it would be unethical for me to turn James Marsters? And then force him to fake the Cockney accent? And then make him my love monkey?

When you’ve taken all you can, walk away. Be the bigger person. Or at least find a bigger person.

I opened my mouth, but I just couldn't find the words to express the mishmash of frustration and plain old mad I had spinning through my head. I moved my lips. I narrowed my eyes. I made angry hand gestures. But no words came out. I started to pace, gnawing my fingernails to the quick. Fortunately, they grew back almost instantly, which meant I had an endless supply. Andrea stopped me in my tracks by grabbing my shoulders. “OK, sweetheart, I’m all for nonverbal forms of communication, but you’re starting to look like an extremely pissed-off mime. Use your words.

The fact that I could correctly make a reference to the Borg was probably part of the reason I was not being accepted into the Collective.

You can't worry about the future so much that you miss out on the present.

I hated her out of principle; and that principle was bitterness.

Just wear the tank top.” “It’s not meant to—” “Wearing something on top of that is a waste of your God-given gift of cleavage,” he insisted. “It’s practically blasphemy.

I love you, too, Stretch,” he said, giving my shoulder a brief squeeze. “You’re the sister I never really wanted.” “Nice.

I learned never to take him into a baby store. Ever. He snickered every time he heard the word ‘nipple.’” “Well, that’s what you get for dating a giant twelve-year-old,” I told her, sitting on Jolene’s left.

She could have had a heart attack!” Jenny insisted. “Oh, please, Ruthie’s an unstoppable force of nature, like the Black Plague or Richard Simmons.

There was also an alarming assortment of junk food, including ready-made cheesecake filling in a tub, which I didn’t even know existed. And now that I was aware of it, I was extremely disgruntled that I couldn’t eat any of it.

thought we were supposed to get her drunk and put her panties in the freezer,” Jolene said, her pretty face scrunched in confusion. “I think you’re mixing up your female-bonding customs,” I told her. “That’s ‘thirteen-year-olds at a sleepover,’ not ‘vampire boyfriend may or may not have cheated on you, but either way, he’s an emotionally unavailable asshat.

And then force him to fake the Cockney accent? And then make him my love monkey?

The two of them shared a look over my head. Gabriel made several threatening faces. Dick responded with rude gestures. Eventually, they looked like two inebriated mimes having a dance-off.

What part of ‘drinking and not talking’ did I not make clear?” Dick demanded.

The third thing that men do to get over a break-up. Drinking, not talking about your feelings, and then what?” I said, growing suspicious. “It’s fighting, isn’t it? You set this up.

I waited a beat before saying, “So, really, I’m not the craziest girl you’ve ever dated. That’s a relief.” “Your grasp of the weight of this situation is amazing,” he retorted. I shrugged. “I’m just saying.

was prepared for one baby. I don’t know if I can handle two.” “It’s a little late for that. There’s a very strict no-return policy on babies.

You got her into another bar fight?” Gabriel exclaimed. “You were supposed to be looking out for her, not putting her in harm’s way! That’s it. Dick, Jane, from now on, all of your play dates are supervised. Andrea, sweetheart, I’m taking you sky-diving. It’s only fair.

Why is everyone so surprised that I have a stun gun?” “Because I’ve seen you staple your hand to a purchase order,” Andrea told me.

ho’ was one I hadn’t heard before,” I admitted as we pushed through the door, gently popping an eavesdropping Dick in the side of the head. Dick cursed. Aunt Jettie shrugged. “You leave the TV on during the day. I’ve watched a lot of Maury Povich.

Given my history with my sister, it was inevitable, really, that we would end up wrestling in the mud, beating each other senseless with pieces of foam rubber.

And I was beginning to suspect that Andrea was slipping extra espresso into her magical mystery coffee potions because “caffeinated Jane” amused her.

Which would mean …” “That you were absolutely, unequivocally, undeniably, one-hundred-percent right,” he said, again with the kissing. “You know, a woman waits her whole life to hear those words.” I sighed

The element of surprise is vastly overrated in any relationship.

Hello, little baby,” I cooed. “I’m Auntie Jane. When your mama says it’s OK, I’m going to take you guys to the library and museums and movies. I’ll feed you food that’ll make you hyper and nauseous, and then I’ll bring you straight home. I’ll help you hide your first tattoo. We’re going to have a great time.