Mouthful of Forevers

I think I like my brain best in a bar fight with my heart. I think I like myself a little broken, with rough edges, a little harder to grasp. I like poetry better than therapy anyway. The poems never judge me for healing wrong.

I said, I love you when I meant something much more specific, I should have said, Please don't leave me, I'm afraid to sleep alone.

There Is A Lion In My Living Room I feed it raw meat so it does not hurt me. It is a strange thing to nourish what could kill you in the hopes it does not kill you.

What doesn’t kill you leaves disfiguring scars What doesn’t kill you fills you with paralyzing self-hatred What doesn’t kill you makes you an unfit mother   What doesn’t kill you makes it all so hard What doesn’t kill you wakes you up in the middle of the night What doesn’t kill you turns you into an alcoholic What doesn’t kill you makes you do unforgivable things to the people you love What doesn’t kill you makes you afraid for the rest of your life What doesn’t kill you might make you kill them

You never need to apologize for how you chose to survive. -You Have Six Tattoos

Getting everything you ever wanted does not make you want less

Be merciful until you can't be. Until you feel your heart begin to harden into a bullet. Then use that bullet.

There will always be those who say you are too young and delicate to make anything happen for yourself. They don't see the part of you that smolders. Don't let their doubting drown out the sound of your own heartbeat. You are the first drop of rain in a hurricane. Your bravery builds beyond you. You are needed by all the little girls still living in secret, writing oceans made of monsters, and throwing like lightning. You don't need to grow up to find greatness. You are so much stronger than the world has ever believed you could be. The world is waiting for you to set it on fire. Trust in yourself and burn.

He used to love me, and now he’s just a stranger who happens to know all my secrets.

Mouthful of Forevers I am not the first person you loved. You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers. We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin. Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night. Our love came when we’d given up on asking love to come. I think that has to be part of its miracle.   This is how we heal. I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book. I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar on your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to have finally, finally found you.   And I will not be afraid of your scars.   I know sometimes it’s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection, but please know: Whether it’s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the nights you collapse into my lap, your body broken into a thousand questions, you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane.

The good news is you survived. The bad news is you're hurt and no one can heal you but yourself.

Here’s the truth: It is hard to be in love with someone who is in love with someone else.

I am terrified I will break his heart just because I feel restless; because it is between me and what I hunger for

I don't know why I've got so much hope pinned to someone who will never call me home.

You told me mornings were the best time to break your own heart. So here I am, smoking your brand of cigarettes for the scent. I wonder if you still sing Beatles songs as you make coffee. You said your mother used to sing them to you when you couldn’t sleep, nineteen years before we met, twenty before you moved your clothes out of our closet while I was at work. By the way, I hate you for leaving all the photographs on the fridge. Taking them down felt like peeling off new scabs, like slapping a sunburn. I spent so many nights carving your body into pillows, I can promise you nothing feels like sleeping with your arm around me and your breath in my ear. Still, it’s comforting to know we sleep under the same moon, even if she’s so much older when she gets to me. I like to imagine she’s seen you sleeping and wants me to know you’re doing well.

What no one ever talks about is how dangerous hope can be.

Drowning people often believe that if they grab hold of someone else they can be saved, but that just makes you both sink faster.

When the poems don’t come, don’t open the vodka.

When will I sop belonging to this hungry thing inside of me?

You break the hearts of better people who get in your way.

In my struggle to survive I hurt others. Apologies do not make good bandages

I stopped going to my therapist Because I knew my therapist was right, and I wanted to keep being wrong.

I’m not sure what to say about struggle except that it feels like a long, dark tunnel with no light at the end. You never notice until it’s over the ways it has changed you, and there is no going back. We struggled a lot this year. For everyone who picked a fight with life and got the shit kicked out of them: I’m proud of you for surviving. This year I learned that cities are beautiful from rooftops even when you’re sad and that swimming in rivers while the sun sets in July will make you feel hopeful, no matter what’s going on at home. I found out my best friend is strong enough to swing me over his shoulder like I’m weightless and run down the street while I’m squealing and kicking against his chest. I found out vegan rice milk whipped cream is delicious, especially when it’s licked off the stomach of a boy you love. This year I kissed too many people with broken hearts and hands like mousetraps. If I could go back and unhurt them I would. If I could go back even farther and never meet them I would do that too. I turned 21. There’s no getting around it. I’m an adult now. Navigating the world has proved harder than I expected. There were times I was reckless. In my struggle to survive I hurt others. Apologies do not make good bandages. I’m not sure what to say about change except that it reminds me of the Bible story with the lions’ den. But you are not named Daniel and you have not been praying, so God lets the beasts get a few deep, painful swipes at you before the morning comes and you’re pulled into the light, exhausted and cut to shit. The good news is you survived. The bad news is you’re hurt and no one can heal you but yourself. You just have to find a stiff drink and a clean needle before you bleed out. And then you get up. And start over.

People like us are not good with words. What we mean gets muddled and wrong somewhere between our minds and our mouths. We make art to say how we feel. Here: These are the chords to Make You Feel My Love.

Every Time a Man Yells I am seven years old again and he is packing that suitcase once more. Picking me up by the neck, teaching me obedience. To be soft, like a belly of a fish exposed to a knife.

There is a river running through this city and every time my best friend laughs I want to grab him by the shoulders and shout Grow old with me and never kiss me on the mouth!  I want to spend the next eighty years together, eating Doritos and riding bikes.

I am learning how to tell stories so I can tell the world story.

I am 22 and cryig because this new set of promises wants to kiss me, and I still taste like betrayal.

I cannot believe her when she says I am beautiful. She cannot want me, not the way I want her. My want is an Empire State Building I monster-climb with her clutched in my fist. They make old, flickering horror movies about the way I look at her mouth.

That's the thing about heartbreak. It's the smallest of worlds ending. Everyone goes around you smiling, like it's nothing to close a door.