Quotes from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

Jesse Andrews ·  295 pages

Rating: (102.8K votes)


“If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“When you convert a good book to a film. stupid things happen”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“One thing I've learned about people is that the easiest way to get them to like you is to shut up and let them do the talking.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“It's like when a kitten tries to bite something to death. The kitten clearly has the cold-blooded murderous instinct of a predator, but at the same time, it's this cute little kitten, and all you want to do is stuff it in a shoebox and shoot a video of it for grandmas to watch on YouTube.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“There was just something about her dying that I had understood but not really understood, if you know what I mean. I mean, you can know someone is dying on an intellectual level, but emotionally it hasn't really hit you, and then when it does, that's when you feel like shit.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl



“Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“The best ideas are always the simplest.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“This book probably makes it seem like I hate myself and everything I do. But that's not totally true. I mostly just hate every person I've ever been. I'm actually fine with myself right now.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“I entered Excessive Modesty Mode. Nothing is stupider and more ineffective than Excessive Modesty Mode. It is a mode in which you show that you’re modest by arguing with someone who is trying to compliment you. Essentially, you are going out of your way to try to convince someone that you’re a jerk.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“The most beautiful thing about you is that you’re not a sock puppet.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl



“let’s face it: Most girls are annoying. I mean, most humans are annoying, so it’s not specific to girls. Also, I don’t really mean “annoying.” I guess I mean that most humans like to try to fuck up your plans.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“Look, I was an idiot. I didn't want people to think that I had a crush, so I decided to give everyone the impression that I truly, honestly hated Madison Harter. For no reason. Just thinking about this makes me want to punch myself in the eyeball.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“Usually it's when your guard is down that you find yourself saying the most dick sentences of your life.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“We used to be pretty good friends, but fourteen-year-old girls are psychotic.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“I might accidentally become like a hermit or a terrorist or something.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl



“Are you done eating that?"
"What?"
"You shouldn't finish that, Dad's gonna want some."
"The hell he will."
"He will."
"It's so nasty. Son, it's so nasty."
"Then why are you finishing it?"
"Taking a bullet.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“And the point of Rachel the Film should really have been to express how awful and shitty that loss was, that she would have become a person with a long awesome life if she had been allowed to continue living, and that this was just a stupid meaningless loss, a motherfucking loss, a loss loss loss fucking loss, there was no fucking meaning to it, there was nothing that could come out of it...”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“There are two kinds of hot girls: Evil Hot Girls, and Hot Girls Who Are Also Sympathetic Good-Hearted People and Will Not Intentionally Destroy Your Life (HGWAASGHPAWNIDYL).”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“I'm not really putting this very well. My point is this: This book contains precisely zero Important Life Lessons, or Little-Known Facts About Love, or sappy tear-jerking Moments When We Knew We Had Left Our Childhood Behind for Good, or whatever. And, unlike most books in which a girl gets cancer, there are definitely no sugary paradoxical single-sentence-paragraphs that you're supposed to think are deep because they're in italics. Do you know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about sentences like this:

The cancer had taken her eyeballs, yet she saw the world with more clarity than ever before.

Barf. Forget it. For me personally, things are in no way more meaningful because I got to know Rachel before she died. If anything, things are less meaningful. All right?”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“I mean, you can know someone is dying on an intellectual level, but emotionally it hasn't really hit you, and then when it does, that's when you feel like shit.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl



“But the hardest is watching your son watching his friend die.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“Theory: People always get fired up when an unattractive girl an unattractive dude are dating each other.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“So in order to understand everything that happened, you have to start from the premise that high school sucks. Do you accept that premise? Of course you do. It is a universally acknowledged truth that high school sucks. In fact, high school is where we are first introduced to the basic existential question of life: How is it possible to exist in a place that sucks so bad?”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“I am the Thomas Edison of conversational stupidity.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“I’m smart in some ways- pretty good vocabulary, solid at math – but I am definitely the stupidest smart person there is… I was going to be the worst friend in the history of dying girls… Because I don’t really have a moral compass and I need to rely on (Earl) for guidance, or else I might accidentally become like a hermit or a terrorist or something. How fucked up is that.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl



“this book probably makes it seem as if I hate myself and everything I do. I mostly just hate every person I've ever *been*
- Greg Gaines (CHARACTER), Me and Earl and the Dying Girl”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“And if a jock. God forbid, witnesses you hobnobbing with theater kids, he will immediately assume you are gay, and there is no force on earth greater than the fear jocks have homosexuals. None. It's like the Jewish fear of Nazis, except the complete opposite with regard to who is beating the crap out of whom. So I guess it's more like the Nazi fear of Jews.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“When girls see two Unattractives dating, they think, 'Hey! Love is possible even for unattractive people. They have to love different things about each other than their physical appearances. That's so sweet.' Meanwhile, dudes see it and think, 'That is one less guy I have to compete with for the most succulent boobs in the Boob Competition that is high school.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“If this were a video game, you could just break everything in this room and a bunch of money would come out of it, and you wouldn’t even have to pick it up, you would just walk into it and suddenly it would be in your bank account.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl


“Mom was asking me to resume a friendship that had no honest foundation and ended on screamingly awkward terms. How do you do that? You can’t.”
― Jesse Andrews, quote from Me and Earl and the Dying Girl



About the author

Jesse Andrews
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