Fisher's Light

Loving you meant loving every part of you, the good and the bad, the easy and the hard.

It's a strange thing, feeling like you can't breathe without another person. Physically, I know I'm breathing and my heart is beating when she's not around, but in my soul, it feels a movie that's been paused, waiting for someone to come back into the room. When I'm away from her, I feel like my life is on hold and she's the only one who can restart it.

You are always the light in my darkness. You’re the reason I’m alive, you’re the reason I’m here and you’re the reason I breathe, every day.

The mind is a great and powerful thing, bisected with hallways of darkness and corners of light. Memories can alternately fill your life with joy and happiness and cloud every moment with nightmares and fear, making you second-guess all of the good things and wonder if they were ever real.

To get to the good, sometimes you have to live through the bad.

How many people get a second chance at love with the only person they’ve ever held in their heart?

When you’ve been hurt once, it’s so hard to let go and not be afraid you won’t be hurt again.

I’m going to kick down that fucking door at the end of the long, dark hallway and show everyone that I deserve the light.

I hate every moment that I’m away from her, but I will do whatever it takes to find the man she once loved and bring him back to her.

I’m going to remind her why we’re perfect for each other. I’m going to show her that there’s no one else on this earth that can love her like I can.

You make everything perfect, Lucy. You’re my light and my life and all I need is your love to guide me home, no matter where I go.

This is where my story begins. Or ends. I can never really decide.

You can’t stop fighting, Lucy. You can never stop fighting for something you love and something you believe in.

We’re done, this is over. I’m packing your shit and you’re leaving.” I’m sorry, I love you, please forgive me. “Everything is fucked up, don’t you get that? It’s ruined, all of it is ruined and you need to fucking leave.” I’m so sorry, I love you, please forgive me. “You need to get a life.” I’m sorry, I love you, please forgive me. “All those sad, pathetic letters.” I’m lying, don’t believe me, please don’t believe me. I loved your letters, I kept them all and I cherish every one of them. “I prefer women with a little more experience.” I don’t mean it. I don’t mean any of it. Knowing I’m the only man who has ever been inside of you makes me feel like a fucking king and the luckiest man alive. I’m sorry, I love you, please forgive me. “It doesn’t get better when I come home to you. I hate this life.” I’m lying! Every word is a lie. I love our life and I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. I love you, I love you, I love you.

I love the way you look at me. I love the way you love me. No matter what, I will always find my way back to you,

I would do anything for him, even if it meant sacrificing something of myself.

Maybe it’s Lucy. Maybe she ignored everything I said to her and came back to me. I know it’s wrong and she shouldn’t be here, but I just need her right now. I can see her one more time and then I’ll leave and I’ll walk away. She doesn’t feel the same and she doesn’t smell the same, but none of that matters. Her legs straddle my thighs and I clutch onto her ass, pulling her closer so she doesn’t change her mind and walk away. I don’t like her voice. It’s not the same soft, sweet cadence that always makes my ears tingle and my heart beat fast. It’s probably because my heart died and there’s nothing inside my chest but a shriveled up, useless organ. This voice is shrill and annoying. Lucy is changing right before me, but I don’t care. It’s my fault, anyway. It’s my fault she’s different and doesn’t feel the same or smell the same. I changed her, I hurt her…all my fault. She doesn’t taste the same and I hate it. I want my Lucy, not this drunken, morphed version of her. I hear angry shouts and the shuffling of feet and the Lucy on my lap speaks again and it makes me wince. I want to tell her to stop talking like that. Stop talking in a different voice, stop smelling different, stop feeling different…just stop it. Be MY Lucy. I need MY Lucy. I’m not a hero, I’m not a good man, I’m not a good husband…I am none of those things and they need to see that.

I don’t blame her for walking away; I shoved her out the door and told her to go. I should have realized that she was my light. She was everything bright and beautiful about my life and it went to shit after she left. I’m going to fix this. I have to fix this.

I’m sorry I went away, but I DID find my way back to you and I’m never fucking leaving again.” ... “It’s always been you. It will ALWAYS, only be you,

There’s a light that guides all of us to where we’re meant to be. You’re meant to be with me, Lucy. Please… be with me.

The mind is a great and powerful thing, bisected with hallways of darkness and corners of light.

Dear Fisher, I guess this is it, huh? After almost fourteen years together, starting a life of our own on this island, five tours of duty and countless letters I’ve written you through it all, I finally go out to the mailbox and see something I’ve always dreamed of: an envelope with your handwriting on it. For one moment, I actually thought you’d changed your mind. That all the awful things you said to me were just your way of coping after everything you’d been through. I was still here, Fisher. I was still here, holding my breath, waiting for you to come back even though you told me you never would. You always said you’d find your way back to me. Out of all the lies you’ve told me, this one hurts the most. Enclosed you will find the signed divorce papers, as requested. I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’m sorry it wasn’t me. Lucy

My dick instantly springs to life inside my jeans. I can’t help it. When Lucy gets fired up, I get turned on. It’s like some Pavlov’s dog shit.

Someday, down the line, I’m going to marry you by that lighthouse. We’ll just renew our vows or something,” I tell her.

No matter what, I will always find my way back to you.

He loved me so much and, even during his darkest time, he never lost sight of that. I let a few words from a woman who means NOTHING to me make me lose my faith in him. I’m such a coward and a fool. I had the proof of his love right in front of me this entire time and I refused to believe it. When you’ve been hurt once, it’s so hard to let go and not be afraid you won’t be hurt again

Lucy in the sky with diamonds. Aren’t you just a sight for sore eyes?

The tears pool in my eyes and fall down my face. I love her so much and all I’m doing is hurting her. The one person in my life who never lets me down and all I keep doing is breaking her apart. I let her down every time I leave, I let her down every time she has to handle something alone, I let her down when I come home and I’m not myself because I’m still stuck in a place halfway across the world

—I’m so happy for you, Ellie— I tell her honestly. —I’m happy for me, too — she tells me with another laugh.

I don’t deserve her forgiveness. I never deserved her to begin with, so now she’ll be free to find security and happiness without having to worry about the broken man she married who can never be fixed.