Chances

She liked him. She liked the feeling of liking him. She felt light and smiley and too full of excitement to think of anything else.

It's not a persons mistakes which define them - it's the way they make amends.

She didn't want to be reminded of her past or how different her present was from the future she'd taken for granted.

Am I falling in love? She thought, is it safe to do so with this man? She thought, I don't need to answer.

She's finding it hard to cope - her hopes have been dashed, the future she dreamed about has gone and she's scared about that. There's nothing in its place. She wants you back. She doesn't want to let go of everything it meant to her.  Because the world seems horribly big and empty. Because the future is a very frightening concept when you'd previously planned on sharing it with someone. Because she's a girl, she's a romantic and she fears if she lets  go of her dream, she'll live a nightmare. Because she has a hope and she fears if she lets her hope go, who will she be? The effort, the pain of clinging on is preferable to the wide-open fear of letting go.

In life we have to size up the chances and calculate the possible risks and our ability to deal with them and then make our plans accordingly.

His version of 'real' love isn't sufficient for me, I don't think anyone should settle for so little. It wasn't love - not in the true sense. On my part, it was neediness, insecurity, dependence, habit - desperate to feel loved by a man who was often ambivalent towards me.

That's the beauty about love. It's not about give-and-take - it's about feeling safe in one's needs - wanting to be looked after as much as wanting to look after.

They did the whole lingering gaze thing, following it with the glancing-away, smiling-knowingly routine. She felt vivacious, a feeling she remembered, she was enjoying the self-confidence, the larkiness.

I am a terrible judge of character'  "I don't think so. You just need to take note of FACTS from the outset, not feelings.

I hope it's that she simply doesn't figure large enough in his life to be worth mentioning, Vita thought. And then she thought, if that was the case. It was therefore rather pathetic that Suzie loomed larger for her than for Tim, that Suzie was in some ways a more real presence in her life than in his. What she thought it boiled down to was that she really didn't want the woman he left her for to be the true, profound love of his life. I auditioned for that role. I put so much effort into it, I loved it. I'm not ready to let it go to someone else. But you keep forgetting he didn't leave you, Vita - you left him. And then she thought, is this a slewed version of Aesop's dog in the manger? I don't want him - but I don't want him wanting anyone else? And then she thought, For God's sake, shut up! This is doing me no good at all. All this thinking and wondering that I do isn't going to change him or the past. What a waste of quarter of an hour - sifting through all that emotional JUNK. She knew there was nothing of value in it- she'd been through it with a fine toothcomb over and again.

It wasn't about opening her mind, it was about closing down the racket of thoughts and opening up her body.  She was tingling and throbbing and hot, not so much from her desire specifically for rick, as from a very physical yearning for human touch, to be wanted and ravished by another person after such a long period without. His attention, his hunger, was the thrill; it was an ego massage which in itself was better than her breasts being fondled.

It's chemical, fancying him is purely chemical. It's intoxicating - the frisson, the attraction - it's intoxicating because it's purely chemical. But you'll just have to remember the wedding ring - divorcees don't wear wedding rings. This guy has his own Vita at home. You're his potential Suzie. Is that who you want to be? Do you want the next man in your life to have Tim's principles?

She was tired of people saying things they thought she wanted to hear almost as much as she dreaded them saying the things she didn't want to listen to.

Currently she was midway through a bittersweet David Nicholls novel that any other time might well have made her self-indulgently reflective.