Blood Sugar

Guilt is not an intrinsically helpful emotion for future decision-making. And often the spiral of guilt and shame can lead criminals to remain criminals. This idea was so intriguing to me, for personal reasons that should arlready be clear, that I later took it on for my undergraduate senior thesis. My paper, which I turned in six weeks early and for which I received an A, was titled "Remorse and Absolution: Peas in a Pod or Dangerous Bunkmates?

He felt special by both being liked and seeming likable. I felt special by not needing to be liked by all, but being loved deeply by a select few.

And so I grew up. As normal as one can in a city as insane as Miami, in an era as schizophrenic as the 1990s, with parents as emotionally invested as landlords. I had killed one boy, one time. It wasn't like I was an out-of-control homicidal maniac.

My way was not right, and his way was not wrong. We were merely different. Which is what makes marriage so beautiful. Loving another person not for their sameness, but for the oppositeness.

I thought about all the flowers he had given me over the years. How there is always an end to things. No matter how long the flowers stayed fresh, they always seemed to die too soon. I suppose the moment they were cut from their stems they were already dead and, like me in happier times, were just reveling in the beauty of their slow decay.

Don’t speak ill of the dead,” people say. But why? It’s as good a time as any to be honest. Maybe even the best time.

Sugar was constantly on his mind and in his pocket.

It's a constant balancing act. Every flight of stairs, every common cold, every extra bite of mashed potatoes has to be accounted for to keep a type 1's blood sugar at a healthy level.

In essence, teenagers are like little psychopaths. Running around, making bad decisions, without a thought of how those decisions will affect themselves or others.

I was tempted to tell the whole truth. But in moments when a confession was about to seep out, I stopped myself, because I knew it would never work like that. Admitting to killing the other three would only make the case that I killed Jason even stronger. So there was no point in trying to make that imaginary bargain with the world. Please, punish me for what I have done. And believe I did not do the thing you think I did. It was not an option.

I should have listened to my own inner voice. My fear of relaxing lived within me for a reason. Anxiety and stress were necessary tools for survival. My vigilance had always kept me and the ones I loved safe. And then I let myself be lulled into dropping my guard, all for science. Tricked into finding serenity. Manipulated into thinking that being a human was anything more than pure and simple weakness and mediocrity. And now what did I have? A dead husband.

This basic misguided survival instinct coupled with most teens seeing the world around them through the narrow lens of their own limited experience makes it harder for them to be compassionate. In essence, teenagers are like little psychopaths. Running around, making bad decisions, without a thought of how those decisions will affect themselves or others. Knowing this about the brain brings up interesting dilemmas when it comes to teens being tried as adults in courts of law.

I knew that the teenage brain was not fully formed, the frontal lobes not yet connected. Therefore a clear understanding between cause and effect cannot be wholly processed by a teenager, which can make their behaviour seem reckless and erratic. That's why teens so often drag race, or shoplift, or experiment with cocaine in a Denny's parking lot.

She said, "I could kill him for what he did to you!" It was a curious phrase. I could kill... One I never used since I actually had killed before. I was a murderer, so for me it lost its hyperbolic quality. But like when you buy a car and then see that specific model everywhere, I noticed whenever anyone idly threw out murderous threats. And it was often. For me they stuck out like neon signsin otherwise dull common colloquialisms. People were always exclaiming, "I could kill you right now! or "I want to fucking kill her!" or the classic joke, "If I tell you, I'll have to kill you," and on and on and on. I heard something like that said at least once a week, and I nodded and smiled and understood, like a well-adjusted nonhomicidal person.

Wanting to get married for the sake of the title is shortsighted and ends in getting fired.

it is a kneading motion all kittens do while suckling, to help get more of momma cat’s milk flowing.

Voltaire: “ ‘One great use of words is to hide our thoughts.