The Graces

That night I think we were trying to fight against death, against boredom and banality, against everything that made us cry and stare at our futures full in the face with dread. We drank and played games to be in the now, to be in each moment as hard as we could, because the moment was all that mattered, at the end of it all. I remember I felt intoxicated on life and darkness. I felt powerful. It was the most natural thing in the world. This was why we were alive– to be powerful and free.

I ate and read my book, this particular kind of fantasy novel that I secretly loved. It was my favorite thing to do– eat and read. The world just shut up for a while.

Everyone said they were witches. I desperately wanted to believe it.

The thing is,” he [Fenrin] said softly, “we’re all going to die...But the first time you realize it...how do you get over that?” ... “You don’t, I think,” I [River] said, finally. “You never get over it. The rest of your life is spent knowing it, over you shoulder.” “Are you okay with it?” “No. But sometimes yes. And then no, again. Sometimes it’s okay. Like now. We’re drunk. We feel good. But tomorrow...life crowds in again. And then you find another way to block out the truth, just so you can get through the day. If we let ourselves see too much truth, it scares us. You have to block it out, or you’d never get anything done. You’d just wander around being perpetually depressed or amazed...That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t want to see the truth. It’s just that maybe we have to see it in stages to be able to understand it.

I no longer wonder whether something like me should be allowed to exist. I do exist.

I fell over twice. It was loud. The garden was black outside our circle of light. The endless night stretched all around us, so we told each other that we had to be close together, together in the dark.

It was a stupid, pointless thing, anyway, to try and make people love you. Everyone was alone. We were born alone and we died alone. Whatever we did in between was nothing but a series of attempts to stave off the darkness we knew was always waiting for us. That was weak. We should welcome the darkness in. If you knew a thing, it couldn't scare you as much. It couldn't hurt you. I knew darkness. I knew alone.

The only way to be what you wanted to be was to pretend that you already were.

You change things with just yourself, your presence in the universe like a weight on a piece of string, bending it to your will.

Water: They were restless, creative, flighty, and persuasive. Like water, they eroded people’s wills away. If you knew a water witch, chances were they’d be the ones that everyone tended to agree with. They were deeply charming and could change people’s minds. Their symbol was Bilios, the world tree, which sat in a circle representing the universe. Fire: They protected people. They were strength. Confidence. Power. They could usually fight. They were natural leaders. Their symbol was a thick cross with tapered ends inside a circle. Air: The seers. They told the future and could see the truth of the present. They were the ones most used as consultants by powerful people, and that was how they made their living and their money. The site speculated that Gwydion was an air witch. They were very susceptible to mental attack and tended to be extremely sensitive individuals. Their symbol was a three-pronged rod inside a circle. Earth: They were the practical witches, well-versed in herb lore. They took care of the everyday necessities of the witch, such as health products and medicines, home protection, magicked food. They got none of the glory, but they were the most essential of all witches; often the head of the family. They were grounded, patient, loving, and forthright. Their symbol was a five-pointed star, representing the five senses, usually with a gem studded in the middle to symbolize themselves, at the calm center of all things.

Like I need to find the truth of the world,” I said. “Like there’s more than this.” I raised a hand helplessly to the gray school building looming over us. “More than just . . . this, this life, every day, on and on, until I’m dead. There’s got to be. I want to find it. I need to find it.

My problem was that I tended to really think things through. Sometimes they’d paralyze me, the “what ifs” of action, and I didn’t do anything at all because it was safer. I was afraid of what could happen if I let it.

gloss. Inside, buried down deep where no one could see it, was the core of me, burning endlessly, coal black and coal bright.

I forced myself to look straight into his eyes. “I can stop pretending when I’m alone.” Fenrin smiled. Bingo, as my mother often said.

Toen ik jong was, heb ik jarenlang gedacht dat als je iets ergs wenste, het ook echt gebeurde. Want dat was zo. Bij mij. - River

Boeken zijn kennis. Kennis is macht,' zei ik uit de hoogte. En daar ben jij op uit, op macht? Vreemder en vreemder, Alice.' 'Iedereen is toch op macht uit? De meeste mensen hebben alleen niet de moed om dat toe te geven.

I remember only images, snapshots burned into me, bleeding into each other until I no longer knew the order in which they had happen.