“That’s nice of you, but it’s not necessary to loan me a car.”
“I loan you cars all the time.”
“And I almost always destroy them or lose them. I have terrible luck with cars.”
“Working at Rangeman is a high-stress job, and you’re one of our few sources of comic relief. I give you a car and my men start a pool on how long it will take you to trash it. You’re a line item in my budget under entertainment.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“Next time I fall in love it's going to be with someone who isn't an expert in fibbing."
"You're in love with me?"
"You didn't know that?"
"I did, but it's nice to hear."
"Scares the hell out of me.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“I felt my cell phone buzz, and I looked at the screen. Ranger.
“Your GPS just went blank,” Ranger said when I answered.
“The car exploded.” There was a beat of silence.
“Rafael won the pool,” Ranger said. “Are you okay?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll send someone.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“I can’t cut back. I’ve turned into a sex addict. I get within a foot of Ranger or Morelli and I’m ready to go … and go, and go, and go, and go.”
“That’s a lot of going. I’m a retired professional, and it’d be a lot of going even for me. What you need are granny panties. You put on a big ol’ pair of ugly granny panties and you won’t be dropping your drawers no more. And even if you forget in the heat of the moment, and you pull your skirt up over your head, you’re not gonna see no action on account granny panties have a deflating effect on a man. Your man’s gonna be going unh ah, no way am I getting busy with a woman wearing granny panties.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“I was on my back, looking up at Morelli through cobwebs, and my first thought was that the 7-Eleven victim had exacted revenge on me, and I’d been stun gunned. The cobwebs cleared, and I discounted stun gunning.
“What happened?” I asked Morelli.
“You fainted.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“I agree, but if someone sent me a dead woman I might faint, too.” He was down on one knee, bending over me. “Are you ready to get up?”
“I need a moment.”
“Don’t take too long. People will think I’m proposing.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“I buy wine according to the bottle design. After I get down the first glass it all tastes okay to me so I figure you go for something classy to look at on the table”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“I'd hate to list our specialties. Wreck cars, eat doughnuts, create mayhem.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“A uniform cordoned off the area with crime scene tape. The M.E. pulled in and parked. There were two EMT trucks idling at the edge of the lot. I’d stayed close to the back door, and one of the Rangeman guys had taken a position two feet from me, standing at parade rest. No doubt in my mind he’d take a bullet for me rather than face Ranger over a dead Stephanie.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“Opening my door to Dillon Ruddick, my bulding super. I handed him a cup of coffee. "Sorry about the blood."
"What was it this time?" No one reported gunfire."
"I hit a guy in the face with a hair dryer."
"Whoa." Dillon said.
"It wasn't my fault," I told him.
"Maybe we should lay down some linoleum here. It would make things easier for clean up.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“Lula hauled herself up off the floor and put her hand to her neck. “Do I got holes? Am I bleeding? Do I look like I’m turning into a vampire?”
“No, no, and no,” I told her. “He doesn’t have his teeth in. He was just gumming you.”
“That’s disgustin’,” Lula said. “I been gummed by a old vampire. I feel gross. My neck’s all wet. What’s on my neck?”
I squinted over at Lula. “Looks like a hickey.”
“Are you shitting me? This worthless bag of bones gave me a hickey?” Lula pulled a mirror out of her purse and checked her neck out. “I’m not happy,” Lula said. “First off I don’t know if I got vampire cooties from this. And second, how am I gonna explain a hickey to my date tonight”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“You have the Super Soaker filled with holy water?”
“Yeah. I sucked it out of the church. You know that bird-bath thing they got right up front?”
“The baptismal font?”
“That’s it. They got it filled with holy water, free for the taking.”
“Brilliant,” I said to Lula.
She tapped her head with her finger. “No grass growin’ here.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“Are you telling me your brain and your lady parts decided on a love fest bake-off winner?”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“Now that we know you're not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks," I said to Ziggy.
"I'll try," Ziggy said, "but it's a hard habit to break.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“Ranger slung an arm around my shoulders and kissed me on the top of my head. “Someday I need to talk to you about car care.” “I know about car care. I kept a case of motor oil in the back.” “That’s my girl.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“I smell vampire" -Lula
"You're a Nut" -Stephine
"Well I smell something." -Lula
"Mold." -Stephine
"Yeah. I smell moldy vampire" -Lula”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“My big move was to get out of my underpants without snagging my foot and falling on my face.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“What's with the super soaker?" -Stephine
"I had a stork of genius when you called me this morning I said what do I have to do to protect myself from the vampire? And the answer that came to me was holy water! I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner." -Lula
"You have the Super Soaker filled with holy water?" -Stephine
"Yeah I sucked it out of the church. You know that birdbath thing they got right up front?" -Lula
"THe baptismal font?" -Stephine
"That's it. They got it filled with holy water, free for the taking." -Lula
"Brilliant." -Stephine”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“I liked you better when you had vordo.” “You’re not suggesting we do it in this tiny closet with two men watching television in the next room, are you?” “It’d be limiting,” Ranger said, “but at least you wouldn’t have your ass on the horn.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“Ranger was not husband material. He was a heart-stopping handsome Latino, dark-skinned and dark-eyed. He was strong inside and out, an enigma who kept his life scars pretty much hidden.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“Almost everything on Craigslist paid more than I was making, but my qualifications were sketchy. I had a college degree in liberal arts. That and a dollar could get me a soda.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“You take advantage. He don’t stay at birthday party like good boy. He come to you for nicky nacky. You slut. I fix you so he see. I give you vordo.” She waved her hand at me, she slapped her ass, and she wheeled around and left the coffee shop.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“Okay, I know he was captain of the football team and he could bake a cake—that didn’t mean I was ready to suck his finger. I was picky about what I put in my mouth. “I’ll wait,” I told him. “Wouldn’t want to spoil my appetite.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“There was only one way I could see managing this. I got out, ran around the car, opened his door, and straddled him with one leg outside and one foot on the console. Beeeeeep! My ass was on the horn. Beeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beepbeepbeepbeepbeep! A bead of sweat streaked down the side of Ranger’s face. “Babe.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“The lights were low, and Ranger was naked and lounging on the bed, waiting for me to return. I did a slow scan of his perfect body.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“slipped onto the passenger seat, and Ranger leaned over and kissed me just below my ear. It was a hello kiss. Nothing serious. If I wanted it to get serious all I had to do was smile.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“Ranger slung an arm around my shoulders and kissed me on the top of my head. “Someday I need to talk to you about car care.” “I know about car care. I kept a case of motor oil in the back.” “That’s my girl.” His Porsche 911 turbo”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“Girl, you could use those gift cards!”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“Are you hungry?” Grandma asked me. “Do you need breakfast?” “I’m famished!”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“You’re not suggesting we do it in this tiny closet with two men watching television in the next room, are you?” “It’d be limiting,” Ranger said, “but at least you wouldn’t have your ass on the horn.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
“Working at Rangeman is a high-stress job, and you’re one of our few sources of comic relief. I give you a car and my men start a pool on how long it will take you to trash it. You’re a line item in my budget under entertainment.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Smokin' Seventeen
Janet Evanovich
Born place: in South River, New Jersey, The United States
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“He is bad in bed. I can see the roommate masturbating after the man falls asleep. I place the crosshairs over his heart. It would be a mercy killing. A man who goes to sleep without satisfying his woman deserves punishment. He sleeps through her self-pleasure? Death is too kind.”
― Jessica Clare, quote from Last Hit
“College costs money- a lot. Yet education in itself is not of much value. For example, we can look to the general public's almost complete disregard for anything that educated people have to say about global warming, shrinking oil reserves, pollution, or the threat of nuclear annihilation. But if all this is true, why does something as worthless as a college diploma cost so much money?”
― quote from The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
“biology is usually called upon to justify a society based on selfish principles, but we should never forget that it has also produced the glue that holds communities together.”
― Frans de Waal, quote from The Age of Empathy: Nature's Lessons for a Kinder Society
“Love you,” Bits says. “More than all the poop in the toilet?” I ask. Peter heaves a sigh. But you’ve got to play to your audience, and my audience is amused by potty words. It sends her into a coughing spell, but she’s smiling. I wanted that to be the last thing I saw.”
― Sarah Lyons Fleming, quote from All the Stars in the Sky
“Nor was I the only one struggling.To live an ordinary life, like any ordinary person, must have been the vain dream of countless others.”
― quote from Autobiography of a Geisha
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