Our Lady of Alice Bhatti

Men constantly feel hungry and women constantly feel sad. That's what marriage does to them. ~Teddy Butt, Our Lady of Alice Bhatti

She tries to maintain a nondescript exterior; she learns the sideways glance instead of looking at people directly. She speaks in practised, precise sentences so that she is not misunderstood. She chooses her words carefully, and if someone addresses her in Punjabi, she answers in Urdu, because an exchange in her mother tongue might be considered a promise of intimacy. She uses English for medical terms only, because she feels if she uses a word of English in her conversation she might be considered a bit forward. When she walks she walks with slightly hurried steps, as if she has an important but innocent appointment to keep. She avoids eye contact, she looks slightly over people’s heads as if looking out for somebody who might come into view at any moment. She doesn’t want anyone to think that she is alone and nobody is coming for her. She sidesteps even when she sees a boy half her age walking towards her, she walks around little puddles when she can easily leap over them; she thinks any act that involves stretching her legs might send the wrong signal. After all, this is not the kind of thing where you can leave your actions to subjective interpretations. She never eats in public. Putting something in your mouth is surely an invitation for someone to shove something horrible down your throat. If you show your hunger, you are obviously asking for something.

Any man who reaches for a book when he thinks about you is a man that you should think about.

She wants a surprise so big and so heavy it could flatten her in the middle of the road. She want a tied-to-a-rocket-and-launched-into-space kind of surprise.

Alice Bhatti walks the walk of someone who thinks they can overcome their fear by taking measured steps.

Don't be frightened of your own reflection. We all have bad moments in front of the mirror," says Noor. "You should probably get married. I have heard that a good husband is the only cure for bad dreams. You know why? Because then you are sleeping with you nightmare.

Men don't understand. Just remember that. They don't. I mean, they might have a fine understanding of how a carburetor works or how a human brain is wired, but ask them to understand your sadnesson a sunny afternoon and their brain starts doing push-ups.

Now she has lived long enough to know that cutting up women is a sport older than cricket but just as popular and equally full of obscure rituals and intricate rules that everyone seems to know except her.

If something has to be done, one might as well do it when one has a lot of free time.

So what is it really like? What happens when people die?" Noor asks Alice Bhatti, who after finishing her shift has changed into a loose maxi and is lying down on a wheelie stretcher, her forearm covering her eyes. A half-torn poster on the wall behind the stretcher says : Bhai, your blood will bring a revolution. Someone has scrawled under it with a marker: And that revolution will bring more blood. Someone has added Insha'allah in an attempt to introduce divine intervention into the proceedings. Some more down-to-earth soul has tried to give this revolution a direction, and drawn an arrow underneath and scribbled, Bhai, the Blood Bank is in Block C.

First love, is like your first heart attack. Chances are that you'll survive it, but you don't outlive it. That first gasp for air is the beginning of the end. You have managed to breath some air in, and you think you are all right. You might think it's a matter of lifestyle, quit this, cut our red meat, walk, run, get a personal trainer, try shitting standing up, but... it'll get get you in the end.

He lives in a world where where people want their share of pain measured, labelled, packaged,with its ingredients identified in plain language. They want it to come with an expiry date and a guarantee that there is this and no more

Life has taught Alice Bhatti that every little step forward in life is preceded by a ritual humiliation. Every little happiness asks for a down payment. Too many humiliations and a journey that goes in circles means that her face is permanently in the red. She accepts that role. 'I'll do my best'.

It's futile to predict what love will make of you, but sometimes it brings you things you never knew you wanted.

Men think that the best use of their eyes is to weigh a woman's anatomy Our Lady of Alice Bhatti

She is angry at Teddy. She doesn't mind him being away. Men should go away so that they can come back and then go away again. Their comings and goings make a home a home.

She is relieved that everything has happened so suddenly; she hasn't had the time to examine her own motives, otherwise her love story would have turned into an anthropological treatise about the survival strategies employed by Catholics in predominantly Islamic societies.

Teddy has been writing her lovesick notes that she suspects are copied from 100 Best Love Songs of the Past Twenty Years but she thinks that he should get credit for trying. Any man who reaches for a book when he thinks about you is a man you should think about.

Do you want to marry someone because they pulled a gun at you and professed their undying love? This whole business of love, he concludes, is a protection racket, like paying your weekly bhatta to your local hoodlum so that you are not mugged on your own street.

Go to Accidents. And no need to be shy, they get lots of this sort of thing during their night shift... And stop screaming.

Mostly people call her 'daughter' or 'sister' and then do exactly what they would do with their own sister and daughter: they treat her like a slave they bought at the clearance sale.

Alice does not turn around, but only to stare at the judge, then she spits on the floor of the court and rushes out, two fat policewomen trying to keep pace with her.

Teddy accepts the challenge. 'It has bodies floating in it, and severed heads, bobbing up and down.' He realises that his dream doesn't sound very romantic. 'And some flowers also.