Killing Sarai

There is a stark difference between fear and uncertainty, Sarai. You fear nothing but are uncertain of everything.

You made me feel real emotions. You unlocked me.

I don’t want to sleep alone,” she says gently. And I don’t force her to. Sarai falls fast asleep curled up next to me in my bed. Right where I want her.

Victor Faust did much more than help me escape a life of abuse and servitude. He changed me. He changed the landscape of my dreams, the dreams I had every day about living ordinarily and free and on my own. He changed the colors on the palette from primary to rainbow—as dark as the colors of that rainbow may be.

She looks defeated. Beautiful and soft and damaged standing there before me partially clothed in the light of the moon beaming through the tall window. Beautiful, but defeated. That look in her eyes, it somehow latches onto my soul and all I want is for her to turn and walk away. Because I know that if she doesn't, if she presses me further with those soft lips and sad, vulnerable eyes that I'll succumb to the moment and either fuck her or kill her.

This goes against everything that I am, Sarai," he says and then kisses me. "No, it doesn't," I whisper and kiss him back. "It's you becoming more of who you really are.

I am not your hero. I am not the other half of your soul who could never let anything bad ever happen to you. -trust your instincs first always, and me, if you choose, last.

Beautiful but defeated and damaged. Damaged for the rest of her life and no amount of emotional mutilation will ever fully give her back her innocence. The girl is a ticking time bomb, a danger to herself and very possibly to others. I wasn’t sure before, but now I know that she is more unstable than I ever could have imagined. And because she is so skilled at hiding it, not only from me but also from herself, she is more dangerous than I am.

Despite my growing fear, I still want to be right where I am, trapped in the merciless arms of a killer.

I will do everything in my power to keep you safe, but it’s not a guarantee because no matter how much you trust me, you should never, under any circumstances trust anyone fully. In the end, you can only trust yourself. I am not your hero. I am not the other half of your soul who could never let anything bad ever happen to you. Trust your instincts first always, and me, if you choose, last

I’m definitely not some kind of reformed badass created by my extraordinary experiences, either. Just ask the spider that crawled on me the other night while I was reading a book in bed. Mrs. Gregory about had a heart attack I screamed so loud.

And when I get mad, I always cry. It’s how I’ve been for as long as I can remember. And I hate it.

I am discipline. Sarai is rage.

I want her to look upon me, just for a moment. But she never does and I walk away. Sarai I feel like I should be like Cordelia, sitting next to me wide awake yet unaware of it herself.

I turn toward the window beside me because unlike Victor, I have absolutely no control over the smile on my face, and I can’t risk letting him see it. ~~~~

You kept your cool. You waited for your opportunity. You pretended to the point of acceptance and trust. You’re risking your life right now to go back for that girl. You are innocent, And it’s why you’re still alive.