Quotes from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“Agnostics are just atheists without balls.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high!”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“Baby carrots are making me gay.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“The more you know, the sadder you get.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in
one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“I am no fan of books.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how to get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes. They serve as a backdrop for some of our most memorable commercials. And they remain the one and only relevant application of math. Not only that, but we have sports to thank for most of the last century's advances in manliness. The system starts in school, where gym class separates the men from the boys. Then those men are taught to be winners, or at least, losers that hate themselves.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight
from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.” I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet!”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s
responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“Any religion whose messiah’s name
isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of
a threat.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological
Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in
America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

“If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, I hope it lands on a philosophy professor.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)

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“He [Jesus] speaks in parables, and though we have approached these parables reverentially all these many years and have heard them expounded as grave and reverent vehicles of holy truth, I suspect that many if not all of them were originally not grave at all but were antic, comic, often more than just a little shocking.”
― Frederick Buechner, quote from Telling the Truth: The Gospel as Tragedy, Comedy, and Fairy Tale

“Anyway, as they say, where there's life, there's hope. So let us eat.”
― Catherine Cookson, quote from The Black Candle

“Joe asks how long they've been there one of them says fuck off another says a week a third calls him a drunk homeless fuck and tells him to go away. Joe asks how long they will wait the singular answer is as long as it takes and somewhere inside the house five-day-old children sleep under siege because their mother has a nice smile and beautiful hair and can recite lines on camera.”
― James Frey, quote from Bright Shiny Morning

“Tolya answered their questions and he puffed up those men with the notion they were doing good, embroidering their task with a lot of long words like dedication and sacrifice that reminded me of those odd telegrams from the Almighty that would burst into our silent worship at home.

I don't trust those words or the people that use them. Maybe I'm simple, but they ring in my ears with the same dull thud you get when a stone bangs against an empty coffee can...where Tolya said he saw holy men preserving the lost jewels of human knowledge, all I saw was a team of burglars getting ready to shoot their accomplices.”
― Marcel Theroux, quote from Far North

“The ferocious virtues that had been necessary for survival on the American frontier were theirs: they were men who lived freely, wastefully, independently, and they lived by killing--animals as a rule, men if necessary.”
― Wallace Stegner, quote from Wolf Willow

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