Stephen Colbert · 230 pages
Rating: (74.2K votes)
“Agnostics are just atheists without balls.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high!”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“Baby carrots are making me gay.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“The more you know, the sadder you get.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in
one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“I am no fan of books.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how to get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes. They serve as a backdrop for some of our most memorable commercials. And they remain the one and only relevant application of math. Not only that, but we have sports to thank for most of the last century's advances in manliness. The system starts in school, where gym class separates the men from the boys. Then those men are taught to be winners, or at least, losers that hate themselves.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight
from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.” I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet!”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s
responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“Any religion whose messiah’s name
isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of
a threat.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological
Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in
America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
“If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, I hope it lands on a philosophy professor.”
― Stephen Colbert, quote from I Am America (And So Can You!)
Stephen Colbert
Born place: in Washington, District of Columbia, The United States
Born date May 13, 1964
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“I’ll get you wetter than a banana in a women's prison.”
― Courtney Lane, quote from The Sordid Promise
“But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.”
― The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, quote from The LDS Scriptures: Unabridged Complete King James Version Holy Bible /The Book of Mormon / Doctrine and Covenants / The Pearl of Great Price
“It is Jesus that The Proverbs 31 Lady seeks when she dreams of happiness; He is waiting for her when nothing else she finds satisfies her; He is the beauty to which she is so attracted to; it is He who provoked her with that thirst for fullness that will not let her settle for compromise; it is He who urges her to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in her heart her most genuine choices, the choices that others try to suppress.
Do you desire to be that Lady of God? God desires a relationship with you. He's made this relationship possible by sending His Son. That inner void is filled through a relationship with the Lord. The place to start to fulfill the longing in your heart is to trust in the Lord for His salvation and allow the Holy Spirit to work within you to satisfy your thirst. As we go together to the well that never runs dry, I know the savior of our soul will meet us there. We will drink from the water of life He gives, the water that quenches our thirsty souls.”
― Mary Maina, quote from The Proverbs 31 Lady: Unveiling Her Secrets Before Saying I Do
“At the same time, he expressed accurately and powerfully the state of mind of the countless underground fighters dying in the battle against Nazism. Why did they throw their lives into the scale? Why did they accept torture and death? They had no point of support like the Fuhrer for the Germans or the New Faith for the Communists. It is doubtful whether most of them believed in Christ. It could only have been loyalty, loyalty to something called fatherland or honor, but something stronger than any name. In one of his stories, a young boy, tortured by the police and knowing that he will be shot, gives the name of his friend because he is afraid to die alone. They meet before the firing squad, and the betrayed forgives his betrayer. This forgiveness cannot be justified by any utilitarian ethic; there is no reason to forgive traitors. Had this story been written by a Soviet author, the betrayed would have turned away with disdain from the man who had succumbed to base weakness.”
― Czesław Miłosz, quote from The Captive Mind
“I’m not proud of myself, Olivia. Not even a little bit. Do I wish I’d never let you go? Obviously. Do I wish I’d come to my senses sooner? Of course. And maybe if it had taken me only a day or two to clear my head, then yeah, I would have called. But when you fuck up as badly as I fucked up, for that long, you don’t call. You don’t text. You don’t email. You go to your girl and beg.”
― Lauren Layne, quote from Broken
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