Ambrose Bierce · 404 pages
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“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Patience – A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are not as they ought to be.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are
four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for
advantage of the lawyers.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.
Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.
Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion - thus:
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; Therefore-
Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second.
This may be called syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Ambrose Bierce
Born place: in Meigs County, Ohio, The United States
Born date June 24, 1842
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“We believe that to govern perfectly it is necessary to avoid governing too much.”
― James Hilton, quote from Lost Horizon
“It’s nice to have eye candy around for my enjoyment.” He looked Brad over. “It wouldn’t kill you to pretty yourself up if you’re going to be in my presence.”
“Yeah, I’ll get right on that,” Brad said wryly.
“See that you do.”
― R.L. Mathewson, quote from Playing for Keeps
“I live alone," Knud said, "and I work alone, but I am never truly alone. I do my ancestor's work. I live the entire history of my country and people.”
― Maureen Johnson, quote from 13 Little Blue Envelopes
“It is in the nature of the universe that the person who always keeps you waiting ten minutes will, on the day you are ten minutes tardy, have been ready ten minutes early and will make a point of not mentioning this.”
― Terry Pratchett, quote from The Fifth Elephant
“Or how about this hypothetical definition. Reason is a complex type of instinct that has not yet formed completely. This implies that instinctual behavior is always purposeful and natural. A million years from now our instinct will have matured and we will stop making the mistakes that are probably integral to reason. An then, if something should change in the universe, we will all become extinct - precisely because we will have forgotten how to make mistakes, that is, to try various approaches not stipulated by an inflexible program of permitted alternatives.”
― Arkady Strugatsky, quote from Roadside Picnic
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