Ambrose Bierce · 404 pages
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“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Patience – A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are not as they ought to be.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are
four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for
advantage of the lawyers.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.
Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.
Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion - thus:
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; Therefore-
Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second.
This may be called syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
“Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.”
― Ambrose Bierce, quote from The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Ambrose Bierce
Born place: in Meigs County, Ohio, The United States
Born date June 24, 1842
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“...so the Americans just get a whole bunch of guns and shoot at England until it goes away and then they shoot at the conquistadors until they go away too. Then they shoot at the natives and then when they run out of natives they shoot at each other. Then they’ve still got a lot of bullets left over so they have to keep finding more people to shoot. Also, I think someone writes a constitution? Anyway, that’s where America comes from.
So the moral of the story is that the primary ingredient for a successful nation is guns.”
― Cory O'Brien, quote from Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology
“I wanted to tell everyone I was in love. I wanted to tell them how I felt. I wanted to scream if off the porch to complete strangers. It was a feeling that didn't want to be contained in the small privacy of my mind. Of course, I knew there would be no telling anyone. I'd heard the word so many times. But I'd never contemplated its meaning.
Love.
It hat explained itself to me. I was swept away by what it really meant. It was a word used to convey what had no language. It was a word used to explain a million things that couldn't be explained. It simplified what the heart could not.”
― Dan Skinner, quote from Memorizing You
“You don’t understand,” she said meekly. “Really? Okay, you’re a special case then, are you? Unlike all the others in abusive relationships, your man really does love you. He’s a good man deep down. Tells you he’ll change.”
― Steve McHugh, quote from Crimes Against Magic
“A true master will not deceive an able disciple. You are hampered by the limits you set and no limit can be set on skill.”
― Wayne Gerard Trotman, quote from Veterans of the Psychic Wars
“Dubium sapientiae initium. (Doubt is the origin of wisdom.)”
― René Descartes, quote from Meditations on First Philosophy
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