Christopher Moore · 306 pages
Rating: (36.7K votes)
“Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“No one knows why, but second only to eating the brains of the living, the dead love affordable prefab furniture.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“ Christmas Amnesty. You can fall out of contact with a friend, fail to return calls, ignore e-mails, avoid eye contact at the Thrifty-Mart, forget birthdays, anniversaries, and reunions, and if you show up at their house during the holidays (with a gift) they are socially bound to forgive you—act like nothing happened. Decorum dictates that the friendship move forward from that point, without guilt or recrimination. If you started a chess game ten years ago in October, you need only remember whose move it is—or why you sold the chessboard and bought an Xbox in the interim. (Look, Christmas Amnesty is a wonderful thing, but it’s not a dimensional shift. The laws of time and space continue to apply, even if you have been avoiding your friends. But don’t try using the expansion of the universe an as excuse—like you kept meaning to stop by, but their house kept getting farther away. That crap won’t wash. Just say, “Sorry I haven’t called. Merry Christmas” Then show the present. Christmas Amnesty protocol dictates that your friend say, “That’s okay,” and let you in without further comment. This is the way it has always been done.)”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“Life is messy. Would that every puzzle piece fell into place, every word was kind, every accident happy, but such is not the case. Life is messy”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“He has the attention span of a hummingbird.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“Well they're pissed off and they're hungry. I was kind of busy trying not to get my brains eaten. They seemed pretty adamant about the brain-eating thing. Then they're going to IKEA, I guess”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“If you think anyone is sane you just don’t know enough about them. The key — and this is very relevant in our case — is to find someone whose insanity dovetails with your own.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“We know there's going to be nothing but pain, but we go back again and again.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“Winter denial: therein lay the key to California Schadenfreude--the secret joy that the rest of the country feels at the misfortune of California. The country said: "Look at them, with their fitness and their tans, their beaches and their movie stars, their Silicon Valley and silicone breasts, their orange bridge and their palm trees. God, I hate those smug, sunshiny bastards!" Because if you're up to your navel in a snowdrift in Ohio, nothing warms your heart like the sight of California on fire. If you're shoveling silt out of your basement in the Fargo flood zone, nothing brightens your day like watching a Malibu mansion tumbling down a cliff into the sea. And if a tornado just peppered the land around your Oklahoma town with random trailer trash and redneck nuggets, then you can find a quantum of solace in the fact that the earth actually opened up in the San Fernando Valley and swallowed a whole caravan of commuting SUVs.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“Hope is merely another face of desire. And desire is a motherfucker.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“You were supposed to empathize with your friend's problem, but they were, after all, your friend's problems...”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“The bat was looking at Theo and Theo was having trouble following his own thoughts.The bat was wearing tiny sunglasses.Ray Bans,Theo could see by the trademark in the corner of one lens."I'm sorry, Mr.,uh- Case, could you take the bat off your head.It's very distracting."
Him."
Pardon?"
It's a him.Roberto.He no like the light.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“In another Christmas story, Dale Pearson, evil developer, self-absorbed woman hater, and seemingly unredeemable curmudgeon, might be visited in the night by a series of ghosts who, by showing him bleak visions of Christmas future, past, and present, would bring about in him a change to generosity, kindness, and a general warmth toward his fellow man. But this is not that kind of Christmas story, so here, in not too many pages, someone is going to dispatch the miserable son of a bitch with a shovel. That's the spirit of Christmas yet to come in these parts. Ho, ho, ho.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“Theophilus Crowe's mobile phone played eight bars of "Tangled Up in Blue" in an irritating electronic voice that sounded like a choir of suffering houseflies, or Jiminy Cricket huffing helium, or, well, you know, Bob Dylan.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“Author's Warning
If you're buying this book as a gift for your grandma or a kid, you should be aware that it contains cusswords as well as tasteful depictions of cannibalism and people in their forties having sex. Don't blame me. I told you.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“Just because he was pretty didn't mean he couldn't be improved by a smack upside the head with a piece of earnest hickory”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“Hope is merely another face of desire.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“He had risked his freedom and his pride to buy her this, to acknowledge that part of her that everyone else seemed to want to get rid of.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“Yeah, and don't think it's easy finding Ray-Bans in a fruit-bat medium.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“Your puny worm god weapons are useless against my superior Christmas Kung Fu.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“That was supposed to be the whole purpose of the Internet, you know. To share scientific information."
"Not a Viagra- and porn-delivery system?”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“Raziel! Go forth into the land and lay waste unto two good-size Wal-Marts, slay until blood doth flow from all bargains and all the buildings are but rubble — and pick up a few Snickers bars for yourself.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“IKEA,” chanted the dead. “First we feast, then IKEA. First we feast, then IKEA.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“Nothing says Christmas like a burning meth lab.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“Molly stood over the stove, naked, except for a wide sash from which was slung the scabbard for her broadsword at the center of her back, giving the impression that she had won honors in the Miss Nude Random Violence Pageant. Her”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“Blessed are the minimarshmallows,” the angel said, swooning a little.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“The constable lit the bong and lost himself in the scuba bubbles of sweet comforting smoke.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“Senti, abbiamo delle specie di regole qui". Indicò il cartello sul bancone. NIENTE CAMICIA O NIENTE SCARPE, NIENTE SERVIZIO.
Molly abbassò lo sguardo su di sé. «Oh dio, me le sono scordate».
«É tutto a posto».
«Ho lasciato le scarpe in macchina. Faccio un salto e me le metto».
«Sarebbe stupendo,Molly.Grazie».
«Nessun problema».
«So che sul cartello non c'è scritto, ma già che ci sei, potresti metterti anche un paio di pantaloni? Sarebbe sottinteso».
«Certo» disse Molly con disinvoltura davanti al bancone. Uscì dal negozio e sentì che l'aria si era proprio rinfrescata. E già, i suoi jeans e le mutandine erano sul sedile del passeggero, accanto alle scarpe da tennis.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
“Life is messy. Would that every puzzle piece fell into place, every word was kind, every accident happy, but such is not the case. Life is messy. People, generally, suck. This”
― Christopher Moore, quote from The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
Christopher Moore
Born place: in Toledo, Ohio, The United States
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“Será que considero esta inquietação, este desvario, como uma doença - ou como um talento? Como ambos? Pode ser. Ou será que é apenas um meio de fuga? Olhe, pelo menos não me encontro casado, aos trinta e poucos, com uma criatura decente, cujo corpo deixou de ter para mim qualquer interesse genuíno - pelo menos não tenho de ir para cama todas as noites com alguém que vez por outra marreto por obrigação, ao invés de desejo. Quero referir-me à horrenda depressão que algumas pessoas experimentam na hora de ir para a cama...Por outro lado, mesmo eu devo admitir que talvez exista, de uma certa perspectiva, algo um tanto deprimente quanto à minha situação, também. É claro que não posso ter tudo; é o que me parece. A questão, porém, que desejo enfrentar é: tenho eu alguma coisa?”
― Philip Roth, quote from Portnoy's Complaint
“What had he said to them? "I bow my knees before the country, before the masses, before the whole people...." And what then? What happened to these masses, to this people? For forty years it had been driven through the desert, with threats and promises, with imaginary terrors and imaginary rewards. But where was the Promised Land? Did there really exist any such goal for this wandering mankind? That was a question to which he would have liked an answer before it was too late. Moses had not been allowed to enter the land of promise either, But he had been allowed to see it, from the top of the mountain, spread at his feet. Thus, it was easy to die, with the visible certainty of one's goal before one's eyes. He, Nicolas Salmanovitch Rubashov, had not been taken to the top of a mountain; and wherever his eye looked, he saw nothing but desert and the darkness of night.”
― Arthur Koestler, quote from Darkness at Noon
“Are you an angel that approaching you should be so terrifying?”
― Orhan Pamuk, quote from My Name is Red
“I was set free! I dissolved in the sea, became white sails and flying spray, became beauty and rhythm, became moonlight and the ship and the high dim-starred sky! I belonged, without past or future, within peace and unity and a wild joy, within something greater than my own life, or the life of Man, to Life itself!.. And several other times in my life, when I was swimming far out, or lying alone on a beach, I have had the same experience, became the sun, the hot sand, green seaweed anchored to a rock, swaying in the tide. Like a saint's vision of beatitude. Like the veil of things as they seem drawn back by an unseen hand. For a second you see, and seeing the secret, you are the secret. For a second there is meaning! Then the hand lets the veil fall and you are alone, lost in the fog again, and you stumble on towards nowhere for no good reason.”
― Eugene O'Neill, quote from Long Day's Journey Into Night
“Every seven years our bodies change, every cell. Every seven years, we disappear.”
― Jenny Downham, quote from Before I Die
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