The Loneliest Girl in the Universe

Love take so much energy, and it just leads to pain. I think it's probably best for people to be self-sufficient. If I was strong enough to be independent, then I wouldn't be so desperately lonely. I'm sure of it,

It's hard to focus on the future when the past is so distracting.

I just want someone who holds on. Someone who won't ever let me go, whatever tries to tear us apart. Is that too much to ask?

But who cares if my name goes down in history, if no one remembers who I really am?

I’ve got the half-real fear that creeps up on you in the middle of the night, making you think that there is a monster in your room.

This voyage was never meant to be easy. It was meant to be important.

On good days, which don’t come often, I love my ship and everything it represents. I thrill at the thought of seeing Earth II. There are going to be so many things there that have never been seen by human eyes before. I’ll get to study the planet using priceless, brand-new equipment that’s just waiting to be unpacked. I’ll discover things that might change the fate of humanity for ever. The Infinity is the biggest, most expensive scientific mission in history. I get to be the very first person to see the results. I’m so lucky. On bad days, I worry about my responsibilities until my gut cramps and my head feels full of knives. On my very worst days, I think of nothing but how vulnerable I am out here. I’m balanced on the edge of oblivion with only a fragile skin of metal separating me from the void of space.

This whole journey is a balancing act based on faith. We're all just hoping the The Infinity will eventually be able to reach somewhere safe. And for what? To satisfy the great human spirit of exploration? My life is a gambling chip thrown carelessly across the universe in the hope it'll land somewhere my descendants can survive.

Is no life at all better than the constant fear and fight for survival I face every day? I don’t know. If a life of fear isn’t worth living, then why should I carry on? It’s not possible to be more afraid than I am right now.

There are so many places on the ship that I avoid because I’m afraid of facing the past. But the past is much less scary than the future. I know what’s already happened; I know how bad it was. I don’t know what’s coming, though.

Another ship. It’s the best news I could ever have imagined. Who are they going to send? Who’s coming? I stare out of the helm window, straining my eyes against the infinite blackness, pressing my fingernails into my palms so hard they sting. I can’t see anything except the silver pinprick stars. How long until I’ll be able to see The Eternity? How long until it will be able to see me?

It’s hard to focus on the future when the past is so distracting.

Whatever happens, I can’t see a point in time when I will ever be happy. For the rest of my life, I’ll be struggling. I’m always going to be moments away from sinking completely. So why should I live at all? It would be so easy to stop. But it would be so pointless. Every year I’ve fought to survive would be wasted.

Just remember, J, you’re coping with everything the best way you can, and that’s all that matters. Don’t ever think you aren’t strong.

Things on Earth I want to experience most: Quicksand – how often do you usually get stuck in this stuff? A few times a month? It seems to happen all the time in films!

I try to calm down, taking slow, steady breaths as I tell myself that I’m brave and strong enough to do this—and even if that’s not true, I have no choice but to do it anyway.

It’s like I’m understanding everything differently now because I’m looking at it from your perspective. I want to see your reaction to everything, from the rare to the commonplace.

The UPR have now asked me to only flush the toilet once a day, and reduce my showers to every two weeks.