The Further Adventures of An Idiot Abroad

The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says - it's only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to!

I’ve found out that Malakula was named by Captain James Cook. It comes from the French mal au cul which means ‘pain in the arse’ after Cook found it difficult to deal with cannibals, volcanoes and other annoying features. It’s good to know proper explorers sometimes share the feelings I have on my travels.

We humans like to make out we’re in charge of things even when we’re not. A good example is an orchestra conductor. Would the orchestra really not know what to do without the fella waving that stick about? It wouldn’t be so bad if he played the maracas or tambourine whilst he waved the stick but he does nothing. If he got hit by a bus on the way to the gig, would it all have to be cancelled because he wasn’t there? There’s a band called Polyphonic Spree that has over twenty members and they ain’t got a conductor. He’s as unnecessary as the bloke who wears white gloves on the national lottery programme.

Gail and the kids told me I was great, but deep down I knew I had failed. I was useless. And I didn’t like the false praise. I just don’t think it’s healthy. People need to be told when they can’t do something otherwise it gives them false hope. Nobody can be good at everything. But that seems to be the American way – everyone can be what they want to be, regardless of their talent. They can live the dream – which is another saying that I’ve never understood, to be honest. If you’re living the dream then how do you know if you’re awake or asleep? Also, the saying only works if your dreams are good.

Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. Unless it’s polio.

People say Americans like coming to England to see the old stuff ’cos they haven’t got any old things in their own country, but they would if they stopped crushing it or blowing shit up.

I never believed me mam when she finished a story with ‘And they all lived happily ever after’. ‘No, they didn’t. I don’t believe it,’ I’d say. I prefered Humpty Dumpty – nice and short, and a realistic ending. He never hurt anyone, but he had a little accident and died. Shit happens. That’s life, innit.

If I was in charge of the dictionary I would have a right clear-out of words. Words like ‘necrophilia’ I’d get rid of. If someone has that (attraction to dead bodies), I’d make them say, ‘I fancy dead bodies’. Then, at least when they tell people, they might realise how mental it sounds rather than it being hidden in a posh word. And then they’ll stop having the problem. The fact that it has its own word makes it seem more acceptable.

I was given a cup of tea, but you’d never have guessed it was tea. They’d overdone it with the milk, and I can’t stand milky tea. Just writing ‘milky tea’ makes me gag, plus I always worry about drinking milk abroad after having a tiny bit in India that made me almost shit out a lung. I drank a little drop and was hoping to get it to

going they hadn’t heard of it either.

car designers still haven’t sorted this problem. They still install cigarette lighters, even though most smokers carry a lighter, and glove compartments – glove compartments! Why is there an area reserved for gloves? It just helps impulsive murderers, doesn’t it? Electric windows are all very nice but hardly necessary. And yet no one has thought about emptying the bladder.

We always interfere with nature. I think if tennis players continue to wear headbands they will end up killing off eyebrows, as they’re there to catch sweat.

Neighbourhood Watch to me is checking my neighbours aren’t outside their house before I leave the flat, to avoid getting into long discussions.

Some examples for you: ‘Mi wantem’ is ‘I would like’. ‘Mi wantem’ sounds like ‘Me want them’, which equals ‘I would like’. ‘Bitwin’ is ‘between’. ‘Bisnis’ is ‘business’. By now you’ve probably got the hang of it, so I don’t have to tell you what ‘Gud moning’ means. If you’re still struggling you’re a ‘dik ed’.

Vanuatu has over 100 languages in use among the 230,000 population. I don’t know how a place can run like this. Surely a lot of people have to speak a certain language for it to qualify as one.

I’m convinced the reason they don’t make James Bond movies anymore is because the stunts he used to do no longer impress us as people do that stuff on a wet Thursday afternoon in an office team building session. Even sweaty Pete from IT manages to get his fat arse into a jumpsuit so he can do a tandem jump with his head of