Tales of Sex & Suburban Lunacy

No wonder there are so many people with eating disorders.It’s like this diet plan is being administered by the Gestapo.

To a woman, being married means you do not under any circumstances put your penis in another woman’s vagina. It also means no blowjobs, no oral, no anal, no phone sex, no sex of any kind, ever, with anyone other than your wife for as long as you’re married. As soon as you say ‘I do’, it means that where other women are concern ‘I don’t’ is the only correct response. If you play by these rules, you’re safe. If you don’t, we leave. It’s really that simple.

When a guy says he's a 'simple man', what he's really telling you is he's cheap.

In the suburbs lust thrives and flourishes like an epidemic of lawn grubs during a heat wave.

Having sex with your neighbour is not a good idea. Not under any circumstances, nothing good will come of it. It’s a cliché. It’s a soap opera. It’s a bad made for TV movie.

It’s really hard to be turned on by a man who shows up for a date in corduroy pants and big white walking shoes that look as though he’s shoved his feet inside of two giant pillows.

And so it was on the second Thursday of September, these five men kissed their spouses and children good-bye and climbed aboard the rented RV for a fun filled weekend of golfing, drinking, taking drugs and having sex with women who were not their wives.

When a guy says he’s ‘a simple man’ what he’s really telling you is he’s cheap," Madeline said.