“Things'll get worse before they get better.”
“I stand and hold out my hand. She gives me a skeptical look, but takes it and lets me pull her to her feet. I put my other hand in the air. 'Bronwyn Rojas, I solemnly swear not to murder you today or at any point in the future. Deal?'
'You're ridiculous,' she mutters, going even redder.
'It concerns me you're avoiding a promise not to murder me.”
“I don't know why it's so hard for people to admit that sometimes they're just assholes who screw up because they don't expect to get caught.”
“I guess we're almost friends now, or as friendly as you can get when you're not one hundred percent sure the other person isn't framing you for murder.”
“Unless one of us is lying. Which is always a possibility.”
“I know what it's like to tell yourself a lie so often that it becomes the truth.”
“She's a princess and you're a jock," he says. He thrusts his chin toward Bronwyn, then at Nate. "And you're a brain. And you're a criminal. You're all walking teen-movie stereotypes.”
“I want to kiss her more than I want air.”
“If I'm not thinking about one shit storm, I have to think about another.”
“Some people are too toxic to live. They just are.”
“Bronwyn: Well, I'd like to try. I f you want to. Not because we're thrown together in this weird situation and I think you're hot, altough I do. But because you're smart, and funny, and you do the right thing more often than you give youerself credit for. I like your horrible taste in movies and the way you never sugarcoat anything and the fact that you have an actual lizard. I'd be proud to be your girlfriend, even in a nonoffical capacity while we're, you know, being investigated for murder. Plus, I can't go more than a few minutes without wanting to kis you, so - there's that.
Nate: You're doing better than me. I never stop thinking about kissing you.”
“We could be surrounded by walking dead in the zombie apocalypse and she’d look for the bright side.”
“I have to figure out a way to live with that, and it won't be by not forgiving other people's mistakes.”
“That's the kind of person you can get away with killing: someone everybody else wants dead.”
“The first seven years of the Joshua tree's life, it's just a vertical stem. No branches," she told me while we were hiking. "It takes years before it blossoms. And every branching stem stops growing after it blossoms, so you've got this complex system of dead areas and new growth."
I used to think about that, sometimes, when I wondered what parts of her might still be alive.”
“You find out who your real friends are when stuff like this happens. Turns out I didn’t have any…”
“You're not going to wither up and die from this, Addy," Ashton lectures me as she shoves me toward the shower. "He doesn't get to erase you from the world.”
“Honestly, I don’t care what we do. I just want to stay wrapped around him for as long as possible, fighting sleep and forgetting about the rest of the world.”
“Like we're some kind of hip high school murder club without a care in the world.”
“She cocks her head at me and adds, "I don't need your commentary if you disagree, by the way."
I hold up my hands. "Wasn't going to say a word, Addy."
"When did you even start knowing my name," she deadpans.
I grin at her. "You've gotten kinda feisty since you lost all the hair. And the boyfriend.”
“You don’t think about what’s outside. Or who. Especially if she’s better off forgetting you exist.”
“No matter how awful the rest of my life is, my hair still manages to look good.”
“Sure, sure. No rush, no pressure. It’s entirely up to you, Cooper.”
People always say that but it doesn’t feel true.”
“I’m kidding, but Bronwyn goes rigid. “How can you say that?” Her cheeks get red, giving her that flushed look that always unsettles me. She’ll surprise you one day with how pretty she is. My mother used to say that about Bronwyn.
My mother was wrong, though. There’s nothing surprising about it.”
“So our crew is back to being all girls, and stays that way for the rest of lunch. The only other guy who’d sit with us never bothers making an appearance in the cafeteria. But I pass Nate in the hallway afterward, and all the questions bubbling in my brain about Simon, Leah, and Janae disappear when he gives me a fleeting grin.
Because God, it’s beautiful when that boy smiles.”
“I let myself out and climb onto my bike, putting on my helmet. As soon as it’s clipped tight I push up the kickstand and I’m pedaling hard down Jake’s driveway. Once my heart finds a comfortable pounding rhythm, I remember how it almost beat out of my chest when I confessed to cheating on Jake. I’d never felt so trapped in my life. I thought I’d feel the same way in his living room today, waiting for him to tell me again I’m not good enough.
But I didn’t, and I don’t. For the first time in a long time, I feel free.”
“These murder club meetings are becoming a regular thing. We need a new name, though.”
“I wonder if I could have done the same—bluffed and brazened my way through this whole nightmare without telling Jake the truth. Then I look at my sister, chuckling with the guy behind the coffee counter in a way she never did with Charlie, and remember how careful and contained I always had to be around Jake. If I was going to the party tonight I’d have to wear something he picked out, stay as late as he wanted, and not talk to anyone who might make him mad.
I miss him still. I do. But I don’t miss that.”
“Another long silence descends while I try to gather my thoughts. I should be angrier, probably. I should demand proof of his trustworthiness, even though I have no idea what that would look like. I should ask lots of pointed questions designed to ferret out whatever other lies he’s told me.
But the thing is, I do believe him. I won’t pretend I know Nate inside and out after a few weeks, but I know what it’s like to tell yourself a lie so often that it becomes the truth. I did it, and I haven’t had to muddle through life almost completely on my own.”
“Well.” I’m quiet for a few seconds, weighing whether I’m about to make a giant mistake. Probably, but I plow ahead anyway. “I’d like to try. If you want to. Not because we’re thrown together in this weird situation and I think you’re hot, although I do. But because you’re smart, and funny, and you do the right thing more often than you give yourself credit for. I like your horrible taste in movies and the way you never sugarcoat anything and the fact that you have an actual lizard. I’d be proud to be your girlfriend, even in a nonofficial capacity while we’re, you know, being investigated for murder. Plus, I can’t go more than a few minutes without wanting to kiss you, so—there’s that.”
“Lies. The great human weapon. Pathetic.
I'd say "pathetic" would be falling for them. Especially Kitty's.”
“And finally - he was neither able nor willing to prevent it - the self-loathing dammed up inside him spilled over and gushed out, gushed out of glaring eyes that grew ever grimmer, angrier, beneath the rim of his cap, flooding the outside world as perfect, vulgar hate.”
“If you give people enough time, eventually they’ll do the most heartbreaking stuff in the world.”
“She offered a timid smile, lifted the bottle slowly to her lips, tried the beer, spat it out, laughed about it, and damn near crushed my whore heart.”
“Nick Hopkins, the Guardian’s investigations editor, had liaison with the intelligence agencies as one of his regular tasks. After the TEMPORA disclosures, Hopkins suggested a peace meeting with a GCHQ official to clear the air. He replied: ‘I would rather gouge my eyes out than be seen with you.’ Hopkins responded: ‘If you do that you won’t be able to read our next scoop.’ Another GCHQ staffer suggested – with tongue in cheek – that he should consider emigration to Australia. The”
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