Quotes from Lean Mean Thirteen

“Babe, you've destroyed a car, burned down two buildings, stapled a guy's nuts, and you have sixteen stitches in your leg. Take a night off. Have a glass of wine, watch some television, and go to bed early."
-Ranger”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“When I was six years old I sprinkled sugar on my head, convinced myself it was pixie dust, wished myself invisible, and walked into the boys' bathroom at school.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“He's a good man," Ranger said.
"And you?"
"I'm better.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“Did you take Joyce's engine?'
'My instructions were to disable the car, but one of the men bet Hal a burger he couldn't get the engine out. So Hal removed the engine.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“Am I to assume you would rather not have us as clients?"

"Let me think about that for a nanosecond," Dickie said. "Yes! Last time you were in my office you tried to kill me."

"That's an exaggeration. Maim you, yes. Kill you, probably not."
”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“Ranger plays by his own set of rules, and I don't have a complete copy.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“I don't know much about cars," Joyce said, "but I think someone took my engine.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“The dancers finished thier set, and one immediately strolled over to our table and straddled Ranger.
Want a private party?" she asked.
Not tonight," Ranger said. He handed her a twenty, and she left.
What about the cat-feeding theory?" I asked him.
Out the window.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“Hey!" Lula yelled, back in Ranger's face. "You look at me when I'm having a breakdown. And don't pull that mysterio silent shit on me. I don't take that bus, you see what I'm saying?”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“He was around the desk in two strides, reaching out for me. I knocked his hand away, grabbed the staple gun, pressed it into his crotch, and bam, bam, bam, bam . . . I stapled his nuts.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“Ranger’s Cayenne pulled in behind the SUV. Ranger got out, scooped me up off the ground, and held me close.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“My instructions were to disable the car, but one of my men bet Hal a burger he couldn’t get the engine out. So Hal removed the engine.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“I swear, you're a crazy person. You go around up to your eyeballs in snakes and dead people and exploding beavers. It's just not normal. Even when I was a 'ho, my life wasn't that freaky.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“You don’t look like a cop,” I told him. “All the other guys wear suits.” “I’ve been asked by the chief not to wear a suit. I look like a casino pit boss when I wear a suit. I don’t inspire trust.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“Women grow up wary, and men grow up thinking they’re immortal.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“When I was young, I got a lot of tattoos, and now they don’t look so good. One time, I got drunk and got Eisenhower tattooed on my balls, but now he looks like Orville Redenbacher.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“Babe, nothing’s been happening in my bed, and no one’s going to see your underpants in this meeting unless you go goofy.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“Babe, you’ve destroyed a car, burned down two buildings, stapled a guy’s nuts, and you have sixteen stitches in your leg. Take a night off. Have a glass of wine, watch some television, and go to bed early.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“I could use some lunch.” “Do you have any money?” “No,” Lula said. “Do you?” “No.” “There’s only one thing to do then. Senior buffet.” Ten minutes later, I pulled into the Costco parking lot.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“knees and your shirt caught in your zipper.” “I don’t remember that part,” Dickie said. “Did I used to do that?” “Yes.” Dickie started laughing. “I wasn’t making a lot of money back then. I couldn’t afford a hotel room.” “It’s not funny!” I said. “Sure it is. Grass stains and rug burns are always funny.” He looked over at Morelli. “She didn’t like to do doggy.” Morelli slid a look at me and smiled. There wasn’t much I didn’t like”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“Okay, so this had all the makings of a cluster fuck, but there was a Dairy Queen Oreo Cheese-Quake Blizzard waiting for me somewhere.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

“The doorbell rang and Grandma ran to get it. “It’s him,” she said to me. “It’s my honey.” My father got out of his chair in the living room and took his seat at the table. “I don’t care if he craps in a bag,” he said to Ranger. “I’ll give you a hundred bucks if you can scare him into marrying her and moving her into his room at the old people’s home.”
― Janet Evanovich, quote from Lean Mean Thirteen

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“Baggy and the boys were in the Bar Room on the third floor, not directly under the cupola, but not far from it. In fact, they were probably the closest humans to the sniper when he began his target practice. After the shooting resumed for the ninth or tenth time, they evidently became even more frightened and, convinced they were about to be slaughtered, decided they had to take matters into their own hands. Somehow they managed to pry open the intractable window of their little hideaway. We watched as an electrical cord was thrown out and fell almost to the ground, forty feet below. Baggy’s right leg appeared next as he flung it over the brick sill and wiggled his portly body through the opening. Not surprisingly, Baggy had insisted on going first. “Oh my God,” Wiley said, somewhat gleefully, and raised his camera. “They’re drunk as skunks.” Clutching the electrical cord with all the grit he could muster, Baggy sprung free from the window and began his descent to safety. His strategy was not apparent. He appeared to give no slack on the cord, his hands frozen to it just above his head. Evidently there was plenty of cord left in the Bar Room, and his cohorts were supposed to ease him down. As his hands rose higher above his head, his pants became shorter. Soon they were just below his knees, leaving a long gap of pale white skin before his black socks bunched around his ankles. Baggy wasn’t concerned about appearances—before, during, or after the sniper incident. The shooting stopped, and for a while Baggy just hung there, slowly twisting against the building, about three feet below the window. Major could be seen inside, clinging fiercely to the cord. He had only one leg though, and I worried that it would quickly give out. Behind him I could see two figures, probably Wobble Tackett and Chick Elliot, the usual poker gang. Wiley began laughing, a low suppressed laugh that shook his entire body. With each lull in the shooting, the town took a breath, peeked around, and hoped it was over. And each new round scared us more than the last. Two shots rang out. Baggy lurched as if he’d been hit—though in reality there was no possible way the sniper could even see him, and the suddenness evidently put too much pressure on Major’s leg. It collapsed, the cord sprang free, and Baggy screamed as he dropped like a cinder block into a row of thick boxwoods that had been planted by the Daughters of the Confederacy. The boxwoods absorbed the load, and, much like a trampoline, recoiled and sent Baggy to the sidewalk, where he landed like a melon and became the only casualty of the entire episode. I heard laughter in the distance. Without a trace of mercy, Wiley recorded the entire spectacle. The photos would be furtively passed around Clanton for years to come. For a long time Baggy didn’t move. “Leave the sumbitch out there,” I heard a cop yell below us. “You can’t hurt a drunk,” Wiley said as he caught his breath. Eventually, Baggy rose to all fours. Slowly and painfully, he crawled, like a dog hit by a truck, into the boxwoods that had saved his life, and there he rode out the storm.”
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