Quotes from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“The theologian Paul Tillich wrote that "loneliness can be conquered only by those who can bear solitude." Because the borderline finds solitude so difficult to tolerate, she is trapped in a relentless metaphysical loneliness from which the the only relief comes from of the physical presence of others. So she will often rush to singles bars or with crowded haunts, often with disappointing--or even violent--results.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“For many borderlines, “out of sight, out of mind” is an excruciatingly real truism. Panic sets in when the borderline is separated from a loved one because the separation feels permanent.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“Everything looked and sounded unreal. Nothing was what it is. That’s what I wanted—to be alone with myself in another world where truth is untrue and life can hide from itself. —From Long Day’s Journey into Night, by Eugene O’Neill”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“Because memory cannot be adequately utilized to retain an image, the borderline forgets what the object of his concern looks like, sounds like, feels like. To escape the panicky sensation of abandonment and loneliness, the borderline tries to cling desperately—calling, writing, using any means to maintain contact.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering.”1”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“Although the borderline may not be consciously aware of this dilemma, he frequently places a friend or relation in a no-win situation in which the other person is condemned no matter which way he goes.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“circumstances, the borderline bases his attitude toward another person on the most recent encounter, rather than on a more stable and enduring perception grounded in a consistent, connected series of experiences.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“All is caprice. They love without measure those whom they will soon hate without reason. —Thomas Sydenham, seventeenth-century English physician, on “hystericks,” the equivalent of today’s borderline personality”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“The borderline’s split view of himself includes a special, entitled part and an angry, unworthy part that masochistically deserves punishment, although he may not be consciously aware of one side or the other. In fact, a pattern of this type of “invited” victimization is often a solid indication of BPD pathology. Although”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“Fifty years ago in his novel Cat’s Cradle, Kurt Vonnegut playfully (but prophetically) called these “connections” a “granfalloon”—a group of people who choose, or claim to have, a shared identity or purpose, but whose mutual association is actually meaningless. The author offered two examples, Daughters of the American Revolution and the General Electric Company; if Vonnegut wrote the novel today, the examples could just as easily be Facebook or Twitter.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“Technically defined, splitting is the rigid separation of positive and negative thoughts and feelings about oneself and others; that is, the inability to synthesize these feelings.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“The borderline’s endless quest is to find a perfect caregiver who will be all-giving and omnipresent. The search often leads to partners with complementary pathology: both lack insight into their mutual destructiveness. For”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“Adjusting to a world that is continually inconsistent and untrustworthy is a major problem for the borderline. The borderline’s universe lacks pattern and predictability. Friends, jobs, and skills can never be relied upon. The borderline must keep testing and retesting all of these aspects of his life; he is in constant fear that a trusted person or situation will change into the total opposite—absolute betrayal. A hero becomes a devil; the perfect job becomes the bane of his existence. The borderline cannot conceive that individual or situational object constancy can endure. He has no laurels on which to rest. Every day he must begin anew trying desperately to prove to himself that the world can be trusted. Just because the sun has risen in the East for thousands of years does not mean it will happen today. He must see it for himself each and every day. CASE”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“Borderline rage is often terrifying in its unpredictability and intensity. It may be sparked by relatively insignificant events and explode without warning. It may be directed at previously valued people. The threat of violence frequently accompanies this anger. All of these features make borderline rage much different from typical anger. In”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“All these attempts to impose order and fairness on a naturally random and unfair universe endorse the borderline’s futile struggle to choose only black or white, right or wrong, good or bad. But the world is neither intrinsically fair nor exact; it is composed of subtleties that require less simplistic approaches. A healthy civilization can accept the uncomfortable ambiguities. Attempts to eradicate or ignore uncertainty tend only to encourage a borderline society.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“Periods of relaxed social-sexual mores and less structured romantic relationships (such as in the late 1960s and 1970s) are more difficult for borderlines to handle; increased freedom and lack of structure paradoxically imprison the borderline, who is severely handicapped in devising his own individual system of values. Conversely, the sexual withdrawal period of the late 1980s (due in part to the AIDS epidemic) can be ironically therapeutic for borderline personalities. Social fears enforce strict boundaries that can be crossed only at the risk of great physical harm; impulsivity and promiscuity now have severe penalties in the form of STDs, violent sexual deviants, and so on. This external structure can help protect the borderline from his own self-destructiveness.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“If you suffered from neglect in childhood, it may cause you to go from one person to another, hoping that someone will supply whatever is missing. You may not be able to care much about yourself, and think marriage will end this, and then find yourself in the alarming situation of being married but emotionally unattached. . . . Moreover, the person who [has] neglect in his background is always restless and anxious because he cannot obtain emotional satisfaction. . . . These restless, impulsive moves help to create the illusion of living emotionally. . . . Such a person may, for example, be engaged to be married to one person and simultaneously be maintaining sexual relationships with two or three others. Anyone who offers admiration and respect has appeal to them—and because their need for affection is so great, their ability to discriminate is severely impaired.21”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“Also, Empathy should be expressed in a neutral way with minimal personal reference to the speaker’s own feelings. The emphasis here is on the borderline’s painful experience, not the speaker’s. A statement like “I know just how bad you are feeling” invites a mocking rejoinder that, indeed, you do not know, and only aggravates conflict.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“Intended to shield the borderline from a barrage of contradictory feelings and images—and from the anxiety of trying to reconcile those images—the splitting mechanism often and ironically achieves the opposite effect: the frays in the personality fabric become full-fledged rips; the sense of her own identity and the identities of others shift even more dramatically and frequently.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“Unwilling to play the hand that is dealt [to] him, the borderline keeps folding every time, losing his ante, waiting to be dealt four aces. If he cannot be assured of winning, he won't play out the hand. Improvement comes when he learns to accept the hand for what it is, and recognize that, skillfully played, he can still win.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“A continual tug-of-war develops between the wish to merge and be taken care of, on the one hand, and the fear of engulfment, on the other. For”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“Much of the borderline’s dramatic behavior is related to his interminable search for something to fill the emptiness that continually haunts him. Relationships and drugs are two of the mechanisms the borderline uses to combat the loneliness and to capture a sense of existing in a world that feels real. CASE”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“Indeed, the preoccupation—some would say obsession—with computers and other digital gadgetry, especially among the young in what is commonly called “social media” (Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, YouTube, etc.), may be resulting ironically in more self-absorption and less physical interaction; texting, blogging, posting, and tweeting all avoid eye contact. Increasing divorce rates, expanding use of day care, and greater geographical mobility have all contributed to a society that lacks constancy and reliability. Personal, intimate, lasting relationships become difficult or even impossible to achieve, and deep-seated loneliness, self-absorption, emptiness, anxiety, depression, and loss of self-esteem ensue.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“Each culture probably needs its own scapegoats as expressions of society’s ills. Just as the hysterics of Freud’s day exemplified the sexual repression of that era, the borderline, whose identity is split into many pieces, represents the fracturing of stable units in our society.2”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“When the accoutrements of custom disappear, they may be replaced by a sense of abandonment, of being adrift in unchartered waters. Our children lack a sense of history and belonging—of an anchored presence in the world. To establish a sense of control and comforting familiarity in an alienating society, the individual may resort to a wide range of pathological behavior—substance addiction, eating disorders, criminal behaviors, and so on.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“Little by little, Elizabeth started to heal. She felt “the curtains raising.” She compared the feeling to looking for a valuable antique in a dark attic filled with junk—she knew that it was in there somewhere but couldn’t see it because of all the clutter. When she finally did spot it, she couldn’t get to it because it was “buried under a pile of useless garbage.” But now and then she could see a clear path to the object, as if a flash of lightning had illuminated the room for a brief instant.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“The SET-UP system evolved as a structured framework of communication with the borderline in crisis. During such times, communication with the borderline is hindered by his impenetrable, chaotic internal force field, characterized by three major feeling states: terrifying aloneness, feeling misunderstood, and overwhelming helplessness. As a result, concerned individuals are often unable to reason calmly with the borderline and instead are forced to confront outbursts of rage, impulsive destructiveness, self-harming threats or gestures, and unreasonable demands for caretaking. SET-UP responses can serve to address the underlying fears, dilute the borderline conflagration, and prevent a “meltdown” into greater conflict.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“A match between the helpless waif and one who feels a strong need to rescue and take care of others satisfies needs for both parties. The borderline finds a “kind stranger” who promises complete and total protection. And the partner fulfills his own desire to feel strong, protective, important, and needed—to be the one to “take her away from all this.” CASE”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“Concept of Others As “identity diffusion” describes the borderline’s lack of a stable concept of self, “object inconstancy” describes the lack of a stable concept of others. Just as his own self-esteem depends on current”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

“Shifting role patterns over the last twenty-five years are central to theories on why BPD is identified more commonly in women. In the past, a woman had essentially one life course—getting married (usually in her late teens or early twenties), having children, staying in the home to raise those children, and repressing any career ambitions. Today, in contrast, a young woman is faced with a bewildering array of role models and expectations—from the single career woman, to the married career woman, to the traditional nurturing mother, to the “supermom,” who strives to combine marriage, career, and children successfully.”
― Jerold J. Kreisman, quote from I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

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