Camp Half-Blood Confidential

First thing I'd do is make sure the poor newbie demigods don't have to suffer through the orientation film." All conversation stopped. "What orientation film?" Will Solace asked. Nico looked puzzled. "You know ..." He glanced side to side, clearly uncomfortable with everybody watching him. Finally he cleared his throat and sang in a warbly voice to the tune of "The Hokey Cokey": "It lets the demigods in! It shuts the monsters out! It keeps the half-bloods safe, but turns mortals all about! It's Misty, and it's magic, and it makes me want to shout: the border is all about!" He punctuated the last line of the song with some half-hearted claps. We stared at him in stunned silence. "Nico." Will patted his boyfriend's arm. "You're scaring the other campers." "More than usual," Julia Feingold muttered under her breath. "Oh, come on," Nico protested. "You've all heard that annoying song, right? It's from Welcome to Camp Half-Blood." Nobody responded. "The orientation film," Nico added. We shared a group shrug. Nico groaned. "You mean I just sang in public and ... I'm the only one who's ever seen that stupid film?" "So far, anyway," said Connor Stoll.

SCENE: Apollo jogs along the beachfront, shooting arrows backwards from his golden bow. He's followed by campers dressed in combat gear, jogging in military formation. APOLLO: I don't know but I've been told! CAMPERS: We don't know but we've been told! APOLLO: The sun god's got a bow of gold! CAMPERS: The sun god's got a bow of gold! APOLLO: He's the best shot in the land! CAMPERS: He's the best shot in the land! APOLLO: Augh! [Apollo trips and lands on his backside] I've fallen in the sand! CAMPERS [jogging circles around him]: Augh! He's fallen in the sand! APOLLO: I meant to do that, so don't laugh! CAMPERS: He meant to do that, so don't laugh! APOLLO [tries to get up but falls back again]: Ow! I hurt my godly calf! CAMPERS: Ow! He hurt his godly calf! APOLLO [glowering and starting to glow]: If you want to live another day ... CAMPERS: If we want to live another day ... APOLLO [radiating brighter]: STOP REPEATING WHAT I SAY! CAMPERS: STOP - um... - Military cadence written, chanted and abruptly ended by Apollo Best. Scene. Ever. - P. J.

The discussion was escalating into an argument when the Demeter head counselor offered one last suggestion. "What about this?" He held out a small red object. "Miniature explosive!" the Ares boy bellowed. "Duck!" "It's not an explosive or a duck," the Demeter boy said. "It's a berry native to this land. Grows all over the place here." The Aphrodite girl wrinkled her nose. "Excuse me, but ew! There are seeds all over the outside! So unattractive. And red? That colour is so overdone, fruit-wise." "Yes, but it's tasty," the Demeter counselor said. "I call it a strawberry. "Why?" the Athena girl wanted to know. "Because blueberry, raspberry, blackberry, and cranberry were taken.

A quest? Do I have to go on a quest? AC: You may not believe it now, because this is all so new to you, but getting picked for a quest is every demigod's dream. It's what we train for. It's what we're born to do. PJ: You might not get picked right away. I mean, sure, I did - I was here, what, less than a week before I headed out to face death? AC: You were a special case, Seaweed Brain. PJ: Aw, you called me special! NDA: She also called you Seaweed Brain.

Praise me, demigods! I made you this helpful film. Trust me. It's awesome. - Haiku by Apollo introducing his orientation film Welcome to Camp Half-Blood Trust me. The film was more awful than awesome. - P. J.

Don't destroy Half-Blood while we're gone," was Chiron's parting instruction. Argus pointed two fingers at his eyes and then at us. This took a few minutes since he has one hundred eyes, but we got the message - be good, or else.

We went about our usual routines - combat practice, volleyball practice, archery practice, strawberry-picking practice (don't ask), lava-wall-climbing practice ... You'll find we practice a lot here.

FYI: Mother and daughter constellations are very close to each other. So close, in fact, that if you listen in on a moonless night you can hear Andromeda telling Cassiopeia to "back off and give her some space already".

Surviving is all about beating the odds. Also the evens. Those evens can be sneaky, so don’t take your eyes off them !

'Face death'? Am I going to die? NDA: I'll take this one. Yes, you will die - some day. When you do, you'll go to live, er, to exist in the Underworld. PJ: Leo didn't. NDA: Leo cheated death with a potion that he shouldn't have had. Without it, he'd have stayed dead. Like he was supposed to. PJ: Hazel came back too. NDA: That's totally different! I brought her back on purpose. PJ: Just saying that not everyone who dies stays dead. NDA: Next question.

If you can read this, then surprise! You're probably a demigod too. That's because only demigods - and a few special mortals, like my mom and Rachel Elizabeth Dare - can read what's actually written here. To everyone else, this book is called The Complete History of Pavement and it's about ... well, that should be obvious. You can thank the Mist for that choice of topic.

Last question: will I really get zapped by lightning if I call Zeus's Fist the 'Poop Pile'? PJ: Only one way to find out! NDA: Go ahead, kid! I'm sure my dad would love to meet you. AC: Percy! Nico! PJ and NDA: Anna-be-eth!

He turned to Harley, the oddly muscular eight-year-old son of Hephaestus. "Want to come with? I might need help with the projector." "A projectile! Yes!" Harley pumped his fist. "A projector," Connor corrected. "And you can't make it do anything but show the movie. No exploding upgrades. No turning it into a killer robot." "Aww ..." Harley scowled in disappointment, but he followed Connor to the Big House.

Uh-oh," Will muttered. "This is going to be ... interesting." It turned out the creative genius behind the movie was Will's dad - the god Apollo, which meant this was not going to be a typical orientation flick. No, as we soon found out, Apollo had written, directed, produced, hosted and starred in ... a variety show. For those of you who don't know what a variety show is, imagine a talent show on steroids, complete with canned laughter, pre-recorded applause, and an extra-large helping of hokeyness. For the next hour, we cringe-watched as Apollo and our demigod predecessors performed in song-and-dance numbers, recited poetry, acted in comedy sketches and harmonized in a musical group called the Lyre Choir. Naturally, Apollo featured prominently in most of the acts. The one of him hula-hooping shirtless while satyrs capered around with long rainbow ribbons on sticks ... you can't unsee that kind of thing.

Scene: Darkness. Suddenly, a single spotlight illuminates Apollo standing on the front porch of the Big House. The house is a bold red colour, a stark contrast to the short white chiton Apollo wears. He clears his throat and speaks. Apollo:<\b> A poem by Apollo, recited dramatically by ... Apollo: O Immortal Chiron, Centaur wise and true, Trainer of our heroes, Just remember who taught you. - The opening scene of Welcome to Camp Half-Blood Apollo's chiton was so short, I held my breath throughout this scene, praying he didn't bend over. - P. J.

Scene: Darkness. Suddenly, a single spotlight illuminates Apollo standing on the front porch of the Big House. The house is a bold red colour, a stark contrast to the short white chiton Apollo wears. He clears his throat and speaks. Apollo: A poem by Apollo, recited dramatically by ... Apollo: O Immortal Chiron, Centaur wise and true, Trainer of our heroes, Just remember who taught you. - The opening scene of Welcome to Camp Half-Blood Apollo's chiton was so short, I held my breath throughout this scene, praying he didn't bend over. - P. J.

Suddenly he jumped from his boulder as if he'd had a marvellous idea. "But that's not important! I remember what I came down here to ask you. I've never ridden a centaur before. Mind taking me for a spin around the block?" "Um ..." He put his fingers to his temples and intoned, "I predict you're going to say yes." FYI, centaurs hate being taken for a ride, either literally or metaphorically. Nevertheless, I managed a forced smile. "I would be ... delighted. Yes." "Oh yeah!" Apollo crowed triumphantly. "Who has two thumbs and the gift of prophecy?" He jerked his thumbs at himself. "This god!

Laurel: Check it - we're in charge of the volleyball court. Holly: We keep it ready to go. Laurel: Makes me sick. Holly:The court? Laurel: No, that campers play for fun, as in - Holly: Don't say it! Laurel: - recreationally. Holly: Gross! Pointless! Laurel: Totally goes against our heritage.

Laurel: Hello, ever hear of the Olympics? Holly: Or the Panathenaia? Laurel: Sand courts were everywhere back then. Ancient Greeks wrestled and boxed in them. Holly: Called them palaestrae. Singular: palaestra Laurel: After Palaestra, the goddess who invented wrestling. Holly: Hear that, boys? The goddess of wrestling. Laurel: Girl power! Holly: They wrestled naked. Laurel: So no place to hide weapons. Holly: Palaestra ruled the ring Laurel: Like we ruled the court.

We need a way to supply the camp," Chiron said. "Any ideas?" "Yes! We take what we need by force!" bellowed the leader of the Ares cabin. "Or we could just, you know, steal it," suggested the Hermes representative. "No, no!" The son of Apollo whipped out his lyre. "We should sing for our supper, as did the minstrels of yore!" "Of your what?" asked the Dionysus counselor." "What?" "'The minstrels of your'", the Dionysus girl said impatiently. "Of your what?" A representative of the visiting Hunters intervened. "Not your. Yore." The Dionysus girl gave up.

Will my conversations stay private, or will Iris stay on the line? PJ: You know, I never thought about that. AC: I'm sure Iris hits mute.

The butts of many powerful women have rested here. - Apollo I'm honored to be adding my derriere to the list. - Rachel

Cassiopeia, queen of Ethiopia, bragged that she and her daughter, Andromeda, were more beautiful than Poseidon's girls, the Nereids. 'Gods, mother, embarrass me much?' groaned Andromeda.