“Merlin, if you don't stop whining, I'm going to take Gwen's sword and beat you to death with it," said Arthur, evenly.
"It's plastic."
"So it will take me a long time. I'm still game.”
“I wouldn't want to fuck you if you had a ten inch knob made of gold and your arsehole was the gate to Nirvana. I can't be friends with you because you're a gibbering twatwaffle, not because I would ever, in a million years, want to shag you. Get over yourself!”
“Good grief," said Merlin. "You look like the bastard child of
Dumbledore and David Bowie. No, sorry, Dumbledore and Ziggy
Stardust.”
“No' seems such a flimsy and inadequate little word to express how very little interest I have in hearing you rambling on about that particular topic.”
“I've created a monster, haven't I?" said Merlin, staring at the animated figure incredulously.
"I think that, technically, I was already a monster," the dragon replied. "Now I am a monster with social networking skills. Or I would be, if I had a Twitter account. And possibly a Facebook. Do I want a Facebook? Is it a book of faces? Is it the same as MySpace? Which of course begs the question: what is MySpace?”
“You know you're having a crappy morning when the best that can be said for it is that at least you're not a Smurf.”
“You're just jealous of my beard."
"No. No, really not. It makes you look like you've got a ferret trying to shag your chin.”
“[Arthur to Merlin]
I'm the Prince of Wales, and you're Welsh. I can do whatever I bloody well like to you.”
“You – you don't really want to hear me
talking about my love life, do you?"
"'No' seems such a flimsy and inadequate little word to express how very little interest I have in
hearing you rambling on about that particular topic," said the dragon. "Your mating rituals are
roughly as fascinating to me as the eating habits of snails."
"Right," said Merlin. "Fair enough.”
“It turned out that it was difficult to stay cross with a man when you could see his nipples.”
“Second star to the right, and straight on till morning. Another stupid adventure. Come and be king of the world?”
“[Arthur]
"Er... Just how much did you have to drink?"
Merlin frowned at Arthur... Both of him.”
“There – that was the awkward 'I think you're lovely and I do hope we can be friends but, oh, by the way, please don't get flirty because I'm not really in the vagina business' bit over and done with”
“Arthur shook his head. "You'd be an appalling mother, Morgana. You're a terrible example, you
know," he said, handing her the bottle. "God help any actual children you do find yourself
having."
"They'd be adorable," she said, sticking her chin out. "I would make fabulous babies. They'd be
born swearing and clutching packets of Benson and Hedges, bless their hypothetical little hearts,
and railing against the patriarchy, and they'd very quickly rule the world.”
“It's a stage name," said Arthur, impatiently. "Like Madonna."
"No, Madonna's actual name is Madonna," pointed out Merlin.
"Oh my God, stop flaunting your Big Gay Knowledge Of Pop,”
“Its like Mrs Fitzherbert all over again, or that bloody Simpson woman! I do not believe it!"
"Sorry," said Merlin, wondering who the blazes Mrs Fitzherbert and that bloody Simpson woman
were. He had a feeling Gaius didn't mean Marge.”
“[Merlin - on realizing the he'd killed a man with his magic.]
It was easy. It shouldn't have been so easy to do something so big. ... So final...
[Gaius] ...Oh Merlin! With magic or without it is always dreadfully easy to do something so big. And bigger. This is the terrible terrible lesson which we never learn from history. Hurting other people is never hard, even though it should be..”
“You are totally Cinderella," Gwen said, undeterred. "You're a big-eared, trouser-wearing, penis-having, magic-wielding Cinderella, if ever there was one." "I – you – what are you like ? I'm not Cinderella!"
"You're Cinder-fella.”
“His libido,distressingly,didn't seem at all worried about little things like Arthur being an arrogant dick.(Or, to be perfectly,horrifyingly honest,which he had no intention of being, ever, his libido might just possibly rather like Arthur being an arrogant dick. And Merlin might just possibly have had some rather vivid fantasies about Arthur demanding, in that lazily imperious tone, that Merlin get down on his knees and swallow the royal cock. Just possibly.)”
“The who with the what now?"The dragon cocked its head to one side and gave this utterance careful consideration. "I'm afraid that I don't quite follow you, young warlock," it admitted, sounding rather testy."Your young
language does change so swiftly."
"Sorry! I just meant – I meant: 'bloody hell'!”
“Come on, tick tock – Chuck, Fuck or Marry: Arthur, Lance, Brad Pitt."
"Chuck Arthur, Fuck Brad, Marry Lance," she said, without hesitating.”
“He didn't want to have to be the Gay Best Friend providing life lessons for liberal straight people. He just wanted to get laid.”
“And then an endless instant later Arthur was kissing him back, like this was perfectly normal, like this was exactly what Arthur had been hoping for most in all the world, his large hands closing over Merlin's shoulders and sliding down over his back, strong and warm even through the fabric of his sweater, one hand pausing on his waist and the other sliding around to cup his arse and pull him in closer. Merlin made a surprised, enthusiastic sound and stopped holding back; let himself cling to Arthur and kiss him more fiercely; and then they were kissing like it was their last day on earth and they had to cram every possible moment of passion into this tiny slice of time, hands clutching at fabric, mouths pressing hungry bites onto bare skin as if they would somehow devour one another, trying to touch and taste everything at once, frantic and needy and bursting with urgent desire and the inescapable knowledge that this was finite, was stolen, was not supposed to be.”
“Look, it's all right for you. You don't have to walk along pulling the damned bin while you're
wearing a bloody great dress that keeps tripping you up."Arthur made an impatient noise. "Have you seen my outfit? The only difference between what we're wearing is that yours shows more cleavage and mine comes with a beard.""It does not show cleavage!" Merlin exclaimed, temporarily distracted. He squinted down at his chest. "I haven't got any cleavage for it to show!”
“I don't think you're going to pull the wool over anyone's eyes with all this macrame talk.”
“Merlin smiled. "Thank you, sir! It was just Game Theory."
"It was just – is this a Maths thing?"
"Well, Maths and Philosophy, and..."
"Stop! Stop right there – I really have no wish to hear you expound upon either Mathematics or
Philosophy, Merlin. Just take the compliment”
“The Sultan tapped his tented fingers, staring into the distance. Suddenly, he lunged toward me, took hold of my wrist, and pulled me roughly down to sit on the cushion beside him. “This . . . mermaid,” he said through clenched teeth, leaning in so close to me that I could smell the mint on his breath. “The one who sang to the king at night.” His voice was fierce, but quiet. I couldn’t tell if anyone but me could hear. “How . . .” he began. “How did she think of the king . . . in her heart?”
I glanced quickly up at his face and saw there a look that took me by surprise. An oddly soft, vulnerable, hurting look. The look of a man who might cry out in his sleep at night, like a child. But then the stony mask slid back.
“Did she despise him,” the Sultan asked, “for making her sing for her life each night? Did she only pretend affection to save her own skin? Did she . . . loathe him for what he had done before, to his other wives? For his . . . sins?”
“No, my lord,” I said softly. “She loved him.”
“Do you swear it?” He gripped my wrist harder, until it hurt.
“Yes, my lord. She told me—” I stopped, corrected myself. “She told the mermaid with the broken fin. She said the king—the merman king, my lord—she said that he had a deep hurting inside him. She said that she wanted to soothe him. And when the mermaid with the broken fin . . . questioned how the queen could love him—because of the things you just said, my lord—the queen said, ‘I’m not ashamed of loving him. There’s nothing wrong with loving someone. It’s hating—that’s what’s wrong.”
“To be alive today is to have a story to tell. To be alive is precisely to be the hero, the center of a life story. When you can be nothing more than a minor character in somebody else's tale, it means that you are truly dead.”
“He looked over the counter to see Christopher standing at the bottom of the stairs, stark naked, book under one arm, Bear under the other. Preacher lifted one bushy brow. “Forget something there, pardner?” he asked. Chris picked at his left butt cheek while hanging on to the bear. “You read to me now?” “Um... Have you had your bath?” Preacher asked. The boy shook his head. “You look like you’re ready for your bath.” He listened upward to the running water. Chris nodded, then said again, “You read it?” “C’mere,” Preacher said. Chris ran around the counter, happy, raising his arms to be lifted up. “Wait a second,” Preacher said. “I don’t want little boy butt on my clean counter. Just a sec.” He pulled a clean dish towel out of the drawer, spread it on the counter, then lifted him up, sitting him on it. He looked down at the little boy, frowned slightly, then pulled another dish towel out of the drawer. He shook it out and draped it across Chris’s naked lap. “There. Better. Now, what you got here?” “Horton,” he said, presenting the book. “There’s a good chance your mother isn’t going to go for this idea,” he said. But he opened the book and began to read. They hadn’t gotten far when he heard the water stop, heard heavy footfalls racing around the upstairs bedroom, heard Paige yell, “Christopher!” “We better get our story straight,” Preacher said to him. “Our story,” Chris said, pointing at the page in front of him. Momentarily there were feet coming down the stairs, fast. When she got to the bottom, she stopped suddenly. “He got away from me while I was running the tub,” she said. “Yeah. In fact, he’s dressed like he barely escaped.” “I’m sorry, John. Christopher, get over here. We’ll read after your bath.” He started to whine and wiggle. “I want John!” Paige came impatiently around the counter and plucked him, squirming, into her arms. “I want John,” he complained. “John’s busy, Chris. Now, you behave.” “Uh—Paige? I’m not all that busy. If you’ll tell Jack I’m not in the kitchen for a bit, I could do the bath. Tell Jack, so he knows to lock up if everyone leaves.” She turned around at the foot of the stairs. “You know how to give a child a bath?” she asked. “Well, no. But is it hard? Harder than scrubbing up a broiler?” She chuckled in spite of herself. She put Chris down on his feet. “You might want to go a little easier than that. No Brillo pads, no scraping. No soap in the eyes, if you can help it.” “I can do that,” Preacher said, coming around the counter. “How many times you dunk him?” She gasped and Preacher showed her a smile. “Kidding. I know you only dunk him twice.” She smirked.”
“But I really wanted to believe that there were these magic celestial bodies that would direct my life, tell me what to do, and it turns out it's not stars, it's some bits of screwy DNA. I'm just meat with faulty programming.”
“Why is it that voices break hearts?”
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