“Um...is that thing tame?" Frank said.
The horse whinnied angrily.
"I don't think so," Percy guessed. "He just said, 'I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man'.”
“Now, come over here so I can pat you down."
"But you don't have-" Percy stopped. "Uh, sure."
He stood next to the armless statue. Terminus conducted a rigorous mental pat down.
"You seem to be clean," Terminus decided. "Do you have anything to declare?"
"Yes," Percy said. "I declare that this is stupid.”
“Life is only precious because it ends, kid.”
“Hey!" said the guy in the video. "Greetings from your friends at Camp Half-Blood, et cetera. This is Leo. I'm the..." He looked off screen and yelled: "What's my title? Am I like admiral, or captain, or-"
A girl's voice yelled back, "Repair boy."
"Very funny, Piper," Leo grumbled. He turned back to the parchment screen. "So yeah, I'm...ah..supreme commander of the Argo II. Yeah, I like that! Anyway, we're gonna be sailing towards you in about, I dunno, an hour in this big mother warship. We'd appreciate it if you'd not, like, blow us out of the sky or anything. So okay! If you could tell the Romans that. See you soon. Yours in demigodishness, and all that. Peace out!”
“Jeez, Hazel," Percy said, "tell your horse to watch his language."
Hazel tried not to laugh. "What did he say?"
"With the cussing removed? He said he can get us to the top."
Frank looked incredulous. "I thought the horse couldn't fly!"
This time Arion whinnied so angrily, even Hazel could guess he was cursing.
"Dude," Percy told the horse, "I've gotten suspended for saying less than that...”
“There!" Mars finished writing and threw the scroll at Octavian. "A prophecy. You can add it to your books, engrave it on the floor, whatever."
Octavian read the scroll. "This says, 'Go to Alaska. Find Thanatos and free him. Come back by sundown on June twenty-fourth or die'."
"Yes," Mars said. "Is that not clear?"
"Well, my lord...usually prophecies are unclear. They're wrapped in riddles. They rhyme, and..."
Mars casually popped another grenade off his belt. "Yes?"
"The prophecy is clear!" Octavian announced. "A quest!”
“Two hundred Romans, and no one’s got a pen? Never mind!"
He slung his M16 onto his back and pulled out a hand grenade. There were many screaming Romans. Then the hand grenade morphed into a ballpoint pen, and Mars began to write.
Frank looked at Percy with wide eyes. He mouthed: Can your sword do grenade form?
Percy mouthed back, No. Shut up.”
“Annabeth's face, her blond hair and gray eyes, the way she laughed, threw her arms around him, and gave him a kiss whenever he did something stupid.
She must have kissed me a lot, Percy thought.”
“Percy scowled. "I-I know you."
Nico raised his eyebrows. "Do you?”
“Reyna sent me to get Percy," Frank said. "Did Octavian accept you?"
"Yeah," Percy said. "He slaughtered my panda.”
“This is Leo. I'm the... What's my title? Am I like, admiral, or captain, or..."
"Repair boy."
"Very funny, Piper.”
“Percy smiled. He knew the stakes were high. He knew this day could go horribly wrong. But he also knew that Annabeth was on that ship.If things went right, this would be the best day of his life.
He threw one arm around Hazel and one arm around Frank.
"Come on," he said. "Let me introduce you to my other family.”
“Hazel squinted. "How far?"
"Just over the river and through the woods."
Percy raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? To Grandmother's house we go?"
Frank cleared his throat. "Yeah, anyway.”
“I'm fine!" Percy yelled out as he ran by, followed by a giant screaming bloody murder.”
“They're Lares. House gods."
"House gods," Percy said. "Like...smaller than real gods, but larger than apartment gods?”
“Frank stared at him. "Unfair? You can breathe underwater and blow up glaciers and summon freaking hurricanes-and it's unfair that I can be an elephant?"
Percy considered. "Okay. I guess you got a point. But the next time I say you're totally beast-"
"Just shut up," Frank said. "Please."
Percy cracked a smile.”
“You speak horse?" Hazel asked.
"Speaking to horses is a Poseidon thing," Percy said. "Uh, I mean a Neptune thing."
"Then you and Arion should get along fine," Hazel said. "He's a son of Neptune too."
Percy turned pale. "Excuse me?”
“Elections only happen in two ways," Reyna said. "Either the legion raises someone on a shield after a major success on the battlefield-and we haven't had any major battles-or we hold a ballot on the evening of June 24, at the Feast of Fortuna. That's in five days."
Percy frowned. "You have a feast for tuna?”
“Tyson, Frank is a descendant of Poseidon."
"Brother!" Tyson crushed Frank in a hug.
Percy stifled a laugh. "Actually he's more like a great-great-...Oh, never mind. Yeah, he's your brother."
"Thanks." Frank mumbled through a mouthful of flannel.”
“Percy tried to remember. He really did. For some reason, Annabeth and he had visited a spa and decided to destroy it. He couldn't imagine why. Maybe they hadn't like the deep-tissue massage? Maybe they'd gotten bad manicures?”
“That's because we keep weapons in the attic, silly boy. Do you think this is the first time monsters have attacked our family?"
"Weapons," Frank grumbled. "Right. I've never handled weapons before."
Grandmother's nostrils flared. "Was that sarcasm, Fai Zhang?"
"Yes, Grandmother."
"Good. There may be hope for you yet.”
“They all ordered massive plates of eggs, pancakes, and reindeer sausage, though Frank looked a little worried about the reindeer. "You think it's okay that we're eating Rudolph?"
"Dude," Percy said, "I could eat Prancer and Blitzen, too. I'm hungry.”
“THAT'S IT!" Terminus cried. "That's AGAINST THE RULES!"
Polybotes frowned, obviously confused that he was being told off by a statue. "What are you?" he growled. "Shut up!"
He pushed the statue over and turned back to Percy.
"Now I'm MAD!" Terminus shrieked. "I'm strangling you. Feel that? Those are my hands around your neck, you big bully. Get over here! I'm going to head-butt you so hard--”
“Juno: "All roads lead there child. You should know that."
Percy: "Detention?”
“Part of their problem was Percy. He fought like a demon, whirling through the defender's ranks in a completely unorthodox style, rolling under their feet, slashing with his sword instead of stabbing like a Roman would, whacking campers with the flat of his blade, and generally causing mass panic.”
“Look," Percy continued, "I know I'm new here. I know you guys don't like to mention the massacre in the nineteen eighties-"
"He mentioned it!" one of the ghosts whimpered.”
“Just his luck he was related to this grubby old dude. He hoped all sons of Neptune didn't share the same fate. First, you start carrying a man satchel. Next thing you know, you're running around in a bathrobe and pink bunny slippers, chasing chickens with a weed whacker.”
“He [Death] pulled a pure-black iPad from thin air. Death tapped the screen a few times and all Frank could think was: Please don't let there be an app for reading souls”
“Frank imitated the voice of Vitellius: 'They're wimps! Back in my day, we died all the time, and we liked it!”
“Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tyson pounding the Earthborn into the ground like a game of whack-a-mole. Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: "The groin. The Earthborn's groin is sensitive."
SMASH!
"Good. Yes. Tyson found its groin.”
“Sex was absolutely not allowed to be scheduled, at least not by explicit discussion, but I had become familiar with the sequence of events likely to precipitate it: a blueberry muffin from Blue Sky Bakery, a triple shot of espresso from Otha’s, removal of my shirt, and my impersonation of Gregory Peck in the role of Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird.”
“Or, what does a poor man have, a rich man need, and you would die if you ate it?”
“No matter what happens, I'll always come back to you."
"Promise?" I asked in a shaky voice.
Logan's eyes burned with icy determination. "Promise.”
“He raised his wine for a toast. “To the Exquisite Nightmare.”
“All the strangest things are true.”
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